What's next?

My scale broke a few weeks ago.  I was addicted to weighing myself at home before that.  Every. Single. Morning. And often throughout the day.  It wasn't a lifelong addiction, but rather one that came from this 12 week diet.  So this last week when I went to my Doctor's office not knowing how the scale would read I was 10x more exhilarated with my number than I would have been otherwise.  Which is great because... it was 179lbs.

My first Weight Watchers weigh in of doom and destiny in December 2011 was 249lbs.  It stung, but it also had a ring of hope and "I can do this."  And my first weigh in on this diet in March 2013 was 223lbs.  I've come a long way.  70lbs.  Holy cow, 70lbs!

It's always hardest to start, you know?  Those first few days of limitation and rigidness and embracing a new lifestyle while standing in the shadow of an old one suck.  You start at -0 and that is tough because you want to see the fruit of your labor right now and know it'll all work out and be great.

(Parenting is that same way sometimes!)

But now, here I am with 9 days to go on this program.  Single digits.  82 days done, 9 to go.  Has it been 82 days?  82 days since I've had anything aside from lean protein, fresh veggies and fruit?  I guess that means I'm detoxed from the carbs and sugar...

But in 10 days, I get to have carbs and sugar.  In small quantities but it becomes allowed and recommended as I move from a rigid program to a stabilizing program that will help my body and metabolism adjust to being "normal" and then I transition back to Weight Watchers to lose these last 24lbs along the way.

And honestly, I'm very terrified.  When one goes from eating 800 calories to 1000 calories and then 1300 calories, the concern is, "Even though I'm eating less than a normal woman, I'm still eating more than my body is used to... how will I not gain weight or plateau?"

And all this learning along the way?  The learning about my addiction and inability to cope and finding new ways to cope and break addiction and not lean on food... that's all been easier because I'm boxed in.  I have these strict guidelines of "eat this, not that, no other options."  And that makes it easier.

But in 10 days, I can have a small piece of chocolate.  I can eat a piece of cheese.  And in 24 days, I can eat a slice of pizza or have a cupcake as long as I track it... How do I maintain control?

I know I can do it.  I know the will power and mentality I've developed in this process can last and take me through this new chapter in the journey to lose the last 20 or so pounds, but in a lot of ways, it feels like day 1, -0.  I feel like I'm standing in the shadow of a rigid lifestyle and I'm anxious because a whole new realm is opened to me and I don't know what it will all look like in another 12 weeks.  What mental battles will I engage in?  Will I be tempted and fail?  What will I have lost?

My feelings are unresolved which seems to make this post unresolved and very much fall into the "just write" category, but I guess I'm holding on to these lessons I've learned and clinging to a strong voice yelling inside of me, "YOU'VE CHANGED.  You're different now!  You run.  You like it.  You eat healthy.  You like it.  You say you don't ever want more than 1 slice of pizza with your veggies; embrace that!"  And I believe that voice can lead the way.

...And this is probably what it feels like to have any addiction and leave rehab.  Empowered, but terrified.

victorious moments

With only two weeks left to go on my 84 days of 800 calories and extremely limited eating options, I've to a place of reflection on the journey.

My greatest hope and desire in this was to do more than lose weight and help push myself closer to my goal at an accelerated and more intense "you-are-doing-this!" rate.  My hope was to overcome and breakdown myself and my psychological problems in relation to food.  The binge eating.  The using food to cope.  The addiction...

And I've been happy to chronicle bits and pieces here.  It's refreshing to be honest and admitting to my demons actually makes the whole thing less shameful and more liberating and elevates me to a place that makes me feel in control and powerful to stand up against myself and my weaknesses.

So in light of sharing, I want to share a victory.

I had a very bad weekend a few weeks ago. I wrote about it a bit.  It was when I realized I couldn't cope without using food to self-medicate.  I was left in a fit of tears and frustration and confusion wondering where I needed to go from here.  Did I need to see someone?  Take something?  Was I forever chained to this way of life?  To being overweight?

It had been weeks since I really had a bad, bad moment where I would need to breakdown (which is something in and of itself), but Monday night was difficult.  It had been a great, fantastic day with the kids but the bedtime routine took two hours and toward the end the frustration and the ending a great day with yelling and unpleasantries and frustration on everyone's part instead of on the high note of a good day got to me.  I told Josh I needed to walk away and went to our bathroom and cried.  It was a good 10 minute cry and time spent alone that I desperately needed in the moment.  When I was collected, I rejoined my husband and we finally got our youngest to sleep.  When we left the room I let myself get lost in a great book until I finished.

The next day I realized I had coped on my own and I had never once thought about food.  My escape route was solitude and tears and then I powered through until I could be in solitude once again and then unplug and check out.  I don't believe that was the end all moment of the struggle but it was a very defining moment in my life.  I coped like a normal person without addiction and I was ok and better because of it.  And I DID NOT THINK OF USING FOOD.  Huge.

Also in the last several weeks I've started running.  I always said I'd never run.  I hated it.  Hated sweating.  Hated being beat red.  Felt bored during the process and always had the opposite of endorphins and got extremely angry and irritable when hitting the pavement.  But not now.  Now I feel empowered by how I can stretch myself and what I can do and that time of solitude to think and pray and resolve how to be the best Mom and wife I can be that day is invaluable.  I look forward to my 5 days a week I run and the 2 days I do a long, full body work out.  I mentioned above it had been many weeks since I'd had an emotional meltdown and I think running is largely contributed.  In fact, between break downs we got some potentially terrible news that was extremely worrisome (all is fine now) and instead of it breaking me, I just ran and thought and prayed.

14 days isn't long, but 14 days doesn't signify the end of this.  It really just marks the beginning.  As foods are slowly reintroduced and calories are increased so is temptation and old demons on my shoulder whispering temptation into my ear.  My prayer is that all this work and soul searching and leaning on God to heal me of this addiction and brokenness will last and last and He will sustain me through it all, forevermore.

0 Point Pasta

Well in the last 61 days I haven't posted many recipes because let's be honest, when you eat 10oz of lean protein, 7oz of veggies, 2 pieces of fruit, and an egg every day there's just not a lot to write home about in your cooking.  BUT after 61 days you get bored with your food and there are days you're desperate to find delicious.  In the last few weeks I feel I've mastered two DELICIOUS 0 point vegetables.  Later this week I'll give you my mushroom recipe, but today I want to share this delicious 0 point pasta.

Now I want to disclaimer this before I dive into the recipe... I haven't eaten pasta in 61 days (or any carbs aside from two very delicious times I took communion) so my tastebuds are very much like, "HEY THIS IS DELICIOUS!" To be fair, I was expecting to make something fresh and full of flavor NOT creamy and heavy, so my expectations were satisfied.  This recipe is husband approved as having a lot of great flavor and not leaving you feeling sleepy and heavy like you would be after eating buttery pasta.  The toddlers, however, did not approve this recipe and were NOT fooled by spaghetti squash.  I found this very disappointing as I'm trying all sorts of trickery in getting them on board the healthy train too (But flax seed sprinkled all over things?  THAT works!).

Ingredients
Spaghetti squash
Fat Free/Low Sodium Chicken Broth
Dried parsley
Dried basil
Dried oregano
Garlic powder
Pepper
Mushrooms
Roma tomato

Start by preheating your oven to 375* and quarter your spaghetti squash while you're waiting (it will be a light arm work out cutting the thing).  Scrape out the seeds and pulp and place quarters on a baking sheet.  Bake 30 minutes.  Once the spaghetti squash are done baking, take a spoon and scrape with mild-moderate pressure going lengthwise down the quarter squash.  Place noodles into a bowl.

Next, pour 1/3 cup fat free chicken broth into a skillet over medium heat.  Let broth come to a simmer.  While waiting chop up some mushrooms and a roma tomato (cherry tomatoes were tested and proved to be too sweet and they're what you're seeing in most of these photos FYI) and toss them into the simmering broth.  Sprinkle with garlic powder, pepper, basil, oregano and parsley.  ...When it comes to veggies and seasonings, use what you like.  Everyone is different when it comes to flavor.  For me, I use very few mushrooms and tomatoes because I can only use 3.5oz of vegetables total in the whole pasta.  When I end this diet and switch to back to Weight Watchers, I'd make a BIG bowl of this stuff.  I also use a healthy amount of garlic powder, pepper, basil and oregano when sprinkling the veggies but not very much parsley.

Let the veggies simmer about 5 minutes or until the liquid is absorbed.  Add another 1/3-1/2 cup chicken broth depending on how many of the noodles you decide to cook.  Dump in your desired amount of noodles, sprinkle again with garlic powder and stir.  Let simmer on medium heat about 10 minutes (or until liquid is absorbed - whatever comes first).

And that's it!  I've eaten this pasta with grilled steak and grilled chicken.  It was delicious with both and both tasted great mixed in with it too.  This dish is completely guilt free (you can eat the whole spaghetti squash!), packed with flavor, fresh, and delicious!

If you don't eat the whole spaghetti squash, I recommend making a little "grab bag" with your measured noodles, tomato and mushrooms (tomato and mushrooms on top!).  The next day when you want more you can just do the same process by grabbing the tomatoes and mushrooms to throw them into the broth and repeat the whole recipe.  I've tested this and it works great.  I did not test cooking it all and reheating the final product, but I can't imagine that would taste as fresh and delicious when microwaved.

So there you have it! If you try this, please comment and let me know what you think! :)

I have an addiction (that I am overcoming).

It was a doozy of a Tuesday.  My husband was home sick and I took it upon myself to leave him the house for three hours while I went out with the kids.  We had a nice time at Target and picnicking at the park, but my boys are trouble and some parks with giant ravines and cliffs beyond the playground seem to beckon them to run away from Mommy and explore.  And that's fine enough except for when they're on opposite sides of the playground and I can't see if the 18 month old is about to go through a playground opening while the 2.5 year old is attempting to scale a 12' rock (seriously).  Stressful.

We got home and Josh was feeling better and more stable and agreed to watch J while E napped and I had some treadmill time.  I typically work out during naps now but the door is always open, only one earbud is ever in, and I'm racing the clock deciding if I should go longer or shower before my time is up.  I felt empowered by closing the doors and putting in both buds and opting for music instead of Netflix.

And in the empowerment I shifted the scales.  After a good 10 minutes of walking at a brisk pace I found my fingers sliding over to the increase button and I increased the pace to a 4.2.  I can't walk at a 4.2.  It was time to jog.

So I set about it.  One foot up, one foot down, and Matt Kearney singing, "Hey, Mama, don't want no drama..." into my brain as I figured the jogging thing out.  As it was happening, I began to breathe deeper.  I began to sweat.  Really sweat.  I began to feel my heart beat faster and my lungs both tighten and expand all at one time.  And it was liberating!

Friends, in my previous life before this life change I was 249lbs.  When I started Weight Watchers I walked BARELY at a 2.5 pace for 20-30 minutes and felt like I was dying.  As time went on I would burst out of the room when finished beaming with pride to my husband saying things like, "I just jogged for TWO minutes!"  And back then, that was something!  That mattered!  Those were my days 0 and 1 and 2 and 15 of a very, very long and hard journey.  And when I see that big 'ole girl on in my head jogging 2 minutes and beaming with pride I'm so very proud of her.

But now I see what's in front of me.  I see a 181lb woman who has worked and cried and wrestled with food addiction and weight and fought tooth and nail to get to this place.  And I thought about this as I ran.  I thought about being the person who hated sweat and exercise and was embarrassed about how my face turns beet red as I work  hard.  I thought about how I still feel like the fat 249lb woman when I'm out and about and then I see photos of myself and double take.

...I thought about the mental struggles and wars and darkness that comes from overcoming addiction.  I remembered the night all too recently where I was overcome with emotion and stress and wanted a burrito so badly I was crying and literally shutting down emotionally.  I thought about the long talk my husband and I had in post about where I said the deepest, darkest fears and truths in my soul regarding weightloss...

...I use food to cope with emotions.
...I always have.
...Is this normal?
...How can I learn to cope in other ways without food?
...Am I a depressed person who should look into counseling and medication since I've been self medicating all this time?
...I am in bondage to food and I am winning, but sometimes it haunts me and gets me and makes me feel so small and weak.
...I have an addiction.

And so I ran.  And ran.  For 21 minutes.  And I thought of all these thoughts initially and then like a music video my mind flipped a switch and I pictured myself not sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing because the day was bad and I didn't know how to cope without self-medicating on chips or chocolate or toast or anything I could get my hands on... I saw myself RUNNING.  Running for 15 minutes!  Longer than I ever had run!  I saw strong legs and a woman who had worked hard and made good decisions.  I saw bondage and chains of silence and fear and shame in the eating alone and in secret shattered by the truth I shared about my shortcomings and pain and addiction.

I felt like Samson.

I haven't reached my goal.  I need to weigh 155lbs to be a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers and being a Lifetime member is so important to me.  I'll always have the tools to track and I'll always NEED the tools to track.  I'll be able to go to meetings which are almost like AA meetings for this kind of addiction and that boost and comradary is invaluable. I also have more fitness goals.  Someday I'd like to run a half marathon but mostly I'd like to know I can jog a good 3 miles at any given point.  And I'd like to get faster and tighten up the tummy being pregnant for 18 months in 23 months gave me.  But I'm progressing.  Bit by piece, piece by piece.  I'm finding peace where I previously felt chaos.  I'm learning to cope without stuffing my face.  I'm finding the value in a healthy lifestyle and in choosing that.

If you're here reading it's maybe just because you support me and my journey and I thank you for that.  But you also might be reading because you're on a journey.  I don't know where you are.  Maybe you're jogging 2 minutes and doing a celebratory happy dance.  If so, keep on keeping on!  Two minutes is better than no minutes and I'm proud of you for trying!  Maybe you are here because you're addicted to food and binge eat to cope with your problems.  If so, I feel you, I really, truly do.  It's so hard to have an addiction that is both shamefully private and blatantly public since you wear your shame in your dress size.  If that is your struggle, I encourage you to help yourself in whatever way you can.  For me that's become writing and getting out of the house and talking to my husband.  Eventually I may need more.  Eventually I may need counseling or medication and that's ok!  Just take one step in helping yourself wether it's a letter to you about how you're hurting yourself or if it's telling your spouse or a friend the hard truths and the pain deep inside.  Whoever loves you will help you.  And you should love yourself and get help too.

Grace & An Easy Bake Oven

When I was seven I got an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas.  I've always loved cooking, but when you're a seven-year-old your freedom in the kitchen is limited (especially with all things that get hot). So, this little gizmo seemed like my ticket to cooking independently bliss.

I remembered after the wrapping paper was picked up and the parts of various toys were appropriately scattered about our living room I took (or probably my Dad took because hello, heavy!) that Easy Bake Oven to the kitchen table and unpacked it with glee.

It either came with or I was gifted a cake making set.  Right away I knew what I would do.  I would bake up eggs for my family as Christmas breakfast and then make a little cake for myself (and for them too... if they wanted it -- maybe).

So I unpacked and studied instructions and got to work.  I turned on the oven (which had a bulb to do the cooking... a BULB) and waited for it to warm up.  It took forever, but I was a happy camper so I waited.  Then I cooked an egg.  FOREVER.  Or so it seemed, but when you're seven five minutes can feel like days.  I remember finally giving up on the egg and moving on to the cake.  (Because really it was always all about the cake!)  And guess what?  It took FOREVER!!! And right when I thought it was done and pulled it out (most likely against my Mom's advice) I beamed with pride because I had made a cake!  By myself!  With my oven!  And then it collapsed in on itself because the center wasn't cooked.  ...After like, 1 hour of baking!

I'm pretty sure I never used that Easy Bake Oven again.  Sorry, Mom & Dad.

Parenting is a lot like cooking with an Easy Bake Oven when you're seven especially when you're in the thick of the toddler years and the disciplining.

With my oldest, we've been disciplining awhile.  But he's a few months shy of 3 now and independent and he understands things.  He understands that not taking a nap is more fun than taking a nap.  He understands that if he lays on the floor of a grocery store and screams and cries because he doesn't want to be there will get him attention and might make us leave.  He understands that if he pushes his brother, his brother will no longer be in the way; problem solved!  And right now parenting feels like that cake.

Things felt so good and we were making progress in all kinds of areas.  We transitioned them from co-sleeping to their own rooms.  J learned to count to 10.  E learned to walk.  Success was abounding!  And in my mind I felt like we'd made it through the twos without too much terrible.  So mentally, I pulled the cake and beamed and cheered and patted husband and myself on the back and of course the cake went flat in the middle.

And after all that waiting and work!!!

With E, we're just beginning disciplining more now that he's 18 months and saying "no" every 5 minutes and testing his boundaries.  But when you can see one year out and you watch that cake go flat after so much work you get so discouraged.  And you feel like...

I'm the worst Mom.
I'm failing.
I can't do this.
I'm horrible at this.
They'll never obey.
It's all out of control.

And so on and so forth.

The difference is that unlike my Easy Bake Oven, I can't give up.  I can't box it all back up and shove it to the back of my Mom's pots and pans cabinet.  This is my work and my job and unlike any other job in the whole wide world it's Eternal and it matters.  I've been assigned the task of bringing up two humans.  They'll be two men someday!  And sometimes, after days like today, that thought terrifies me as I picture grown-man-J lying on the grocery store floor kicking and screaming and crying about whatever.

I'm just keeping it real here tonight.  I don't have the answer or great wisdom to share if you feel in the thick of it parenting through these little years and are flustered and floundering.  I can just tell you you're not alone.  This is hard.  And friends with older kids say it gets better and that they are hearing the discipline and the correction and they will grow out of this fight-you-on-everything stage.  And I believe them, I do, and I try not to will time to speed up, I do, but some days I just want to fast forward to five and six and see what kind of little boys they are and how I did it.  How I got from here to there (hopefully) successfully.

But that's not possible.  And that's where grace comes in.  So much grace.  Daily grace.  Begging for grace.  And asking God to show me His grace to show them and His mercy and His patience and understanding time and time again.

Because you know what?  To Him, I'm probably a lot like an Easy Bake Oven cake.  I'm doing so great and feeling positive and seeking Him in this parenting role and I pull myself out too soon and I fall flat as I flounder and kick and scream and cry my way through the trenches of parenting.

I'm really no different than my 2.5 year old; at least not to Him.

And thus, grace.  Endless grace.  That's all I need.

Made New

A few months ago, many bloggers were talking about "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst.  I bought the book hoping it'd help me journey through the murky, unpleasant waters of Motherhood and help me when I lose it and yell at my kids.  I thought maybe the book would give me a magic potion to make me suddenly better and the perfect, non-yelling Mom all the time.  After all, raising children is more about raising great adults than good kids and the last thing I want is creating a yelling, explode-when-angry cycle when it comes to my boys.  So, naturally, after buying the book and feeling great about how much it would help me, I waited a few months to read it.  First world problems.

I picked it up again this weekend and delved in.  I'm 5 chapters deep and have learned a lot about dealing with those moments when I come "Unglued" and angry not only with my children (who I explode on) but also with my husband and friends and other family and strangers (who I tend to internalize frustration with).  So, yah, great book to help with that!

BUT before I got to the good stuff where we journey into what kind of unglued we are and how to get past it and find grace in Christ's redemption, I read this whole chapter about how we are prisoners to ourselves and our labels and in light of this journey I'm on with my bondage to food and finding freedom from the chains of being overweight and seeking refuge in a cheeseburger this chapter meant a lot to me.

One portion that particularly stood out to me was this quote, "I'd resigned myself to the lie that I would forever be enslaved to my emotions.  And I spoke to myself in ways I'd never let another person speak to me." (Unglued, pg 34)

Smack in the face!  As someone who struggles with binge eating, I believed before I decided to try to loose these chains that I'd forever and always be a slave to eating when emotional.  Bad day?  Stay up later than everyone to eat all the things in secret.  Yelling at the kids?  Eat a handful of flavorless goldfish for the momentary comfort they provided.  And then after a binge?  There's shame.  Such shame.  And depression and sadness and hurtful thoughts and words and failure and brokenness and I spoke to myself in ways I wouldn't let others speak to me indeed.

A few paragraphs later Lysa says, "I labeled myself as a mess and resigned myself to forever being a mess." (Unglued, pg 34)

I did too.  After being successful on Weight Watchers for a season, I felt crippled under the weight of this binge eating.  That I couldn't get past it.  That this was me.  And that was me forever.  That no matter how thin I could get eventually, I'd always have hang ups when things got rough or sad because I would go back to these ways.  As Lysa so eloquently states, "A soul who believes she can't leave... doesn't." (Unglued, pg 34) And so for 4 months I sat there binging and believing I couldn't change.  That this was my sad life I didn't want but it was who I was.  And there was hurt in my soul and sadness and brokenness inside me.

And then there was a breakthrough.  I started this new diet that would require intensity and strip me of my ability to use food as a coping mechanism for 12 weeks.  I knew that 12 weeks would go quickly and the goal would be quickly achieved, but in the end I would still have work to do inside.  That desire to binge eat and seek food would always live deep in my rotten places and rear it's ugly head.  And I've been scared and prayerful and desperately seeking God throughout this journey as I try to analyze myself and the WHY do I do this and HOW can I stop and slowly, but surely change myself on the inside while I'm being changed on the outside.

The nail was hit on the head for me once more in this chapter when Lysa said, "God is chiseling us, making us new, releasing us from our hard places - those places that make us feel so stinkin' defeated - so we can do good works." (Unglued, pg 39)

After reading that passage I felt differently.  Yes, I know my struggle to binge eat will be there.  It's my greatest sin and my sin nature will never go away while I live here on this earth, BUT GOD can make me new.  He is making me new now.  He is refining me in this process and helping me through the hard places so I can be made new in Him and no longer feel the defeat of binging and eating and seeking comfort in these places.  And it's not for me.  It's not so I feel better inside about how I've changed mentally or externally, it's for Him and His glory.  My story is one about overcoming addiction because of His grace and mercy and leading me through the hard place and making me new.

...And just as I look as Motherhood and parenting as a role given to me by God for His glory, so is my life.  It's all for His glory even something that seems trivial like weight and body image and not binge eating anymore.

Because of these new revelations, I feel a weight lifted knowing that through this journey God is working on me.  How could I forget that?  I also feel a new burden to use this journey and these experiences and lessoned learned to glorify and honor Him.  My story (and your story -- all our stories!) is relevant and matters and I was put here for a reason.  I don't know if my journey will help 1 person or 10 people or 100 people.  I don't know if it will just help me and my family for the new life and chance I've been given as I've been released by grace from bondage or it will extend beyond that... but I know it matters.  It all matters because I matter to Him.  And even that -- remembering that I matter to HIM - He who created me from dust... that's enough to muscle on and dig deeper and believe that the chains are breaking daily and it's all because of Him.

Spicy tuna that will change your life!

Today I'm sharing SUCH an easy recipe that's a total game changer.  ...At least, for me it was a game changer!

Tuna is one of the proteins I can have on my diet and a can is 5oz so it's perfect and has become my lunch on the go or speedy lunch.  Plain, the stuff is awful.  Just last Friday I was at the park with our friends and I had to eat it from the can with my hand (forgot a fork!) and it was like choking down wood chips it was so dry.  Disgusting.  After loathing tuna but needing it in my life, I came up with this super simple recipe to make it amazing and delicious and when I eat it I just picture myself indulging in a spicy tuna roll.  Mmmm!

Ingredients
1/8-1/4 tsp cayenne pepper (depending on your level of bold and daring, of course)
1/8-1/4 tsp chili powder
garlic powder
black pepper
1 can tuna in water

So, dump your can of tuna in a pan cooking on medium high.  No need for Pam or oil because the water is going in with it.  Now sprinkle on your powders (I'd start with 1/8th tsp of cayenne pepper and chili powder and work up from there) and add a few shakes of garlic powder and pepper and give it a good stir.  Let it simmer.  It takes about 5 minutes to cook (so meanwhile I'm steaming a bag of broccoli in the microwave usually) and tastes great hot off the oven!

Dump it onto your plate with some broccoli and maybe some brown rice if you can eat carbs and want the extra calories and you have a delicious, salt-free, high flavor protein packed lunch!  100 calories for that delicious tuna!

And believe me it's GOOD (even though it looks like cat food).  Just talking about it has made me decide I'm making it for dinner because I haven't cooked it since Saturday and that is just too long!

Enjoy!