You Don't Have to Live Like This

When Josh and I were engaged we drove to Dallas to hear Rob Bell speak on his "The God's Aren't Angry" tour.  It was so, so, so good and moving.  A BASIC synopsis of the message is that in all of history there have been gods among all the people and all these gods require sacrifice but when Jesus came, He flipped the switch and was the first god who didn't want to take; He was a God who wanted to give.  To the extent, obviously, He gave Himself and became the sacrifice so that we could receive salvation.

At the end of the message, Rob says he was talking with a friend about all that was happening in the friend's life.  His to do list.  Expectations put on him.  His own personal standard.  The general crushing weight of being human and living life and feeling like we could always be doing better.  And Rob just reminds his friend over and over, "You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this…"

And we don't have to live like this, you know?  Because we're free.  We're set free.  We were in bondage to sin and now we are made free in Him.

I posted this picture to my Instagram this morning and as soon as I saw it that phrase just came into my head and has been living there all day, "You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this…"  The thing about my journey is that I was in bondage and a slave to food.  You know that if you've read awhile or maybe now you're hearing it for the first time, but it's the truth.  Although life was very good for the many years I spent as a morbidly obese woman (loving husband, healthy and beautiful kids…), I was not my best and I was addicted to food and using it cope with feelings I couldn't face in a healthy normal way.  Food was my drug.  Food was my salvation.  Food was my destruction.

And now it's been 11 months of being the same weight.  11 months of maintenance and only going up a few pounds and then seeing myself go back down those same few pounds.  Never climbing back up and up and up into the 200s and that's good.  But BETTER is that it's been over a year since I sat in my bedroom sobbing and crying and broken because I was trying to cope with an emotion without food and couldn't.  Those early scenes of learning to be mentally healthy in my relationship with food remind me of a film strip where an addict is trying to get clean.  Cranky. Irritable.  Irrational.  Exhausted.  Sweating.  Hopeless.  Sobbing.

…You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this…

Everyone's struggle is different.  Everyone has a different vice.  For me, it was food.  For you it could be food.  Or something else.  Anything.  But the truth is there is freedom in breaking the chains of addiction.  We weren't made to be these half shells of ourselves roaming the world broken and wishing we could be better, unable to be better.  We were made for thriving and freedom and glory.  Am I perfect now?  No.  Do I still fail?  Occasionally.  But I know now that I am worth more than my feelings.  I am worth more than who I become when I lose control.  I wanted to get better because I didn't want to live like that.  I wanted to get better because I craved freedom (more than I craved food). I wanted to get better because I didn't want to raise my kids in a home where a parent faced addiction and an inability to properly cope.  I wanted to get better because I wanted a marriage where I KNEW I was attractive to my husband and didn't doubt it.  I wanted to get better because I wanted to feel confident being around other women.  I wanted to get better because I wanted to wear clothes that were cute.  I wanted to get better because my body is a temple.  I wanted to get better because the Voice inside me whispered softly day after day, year after year, "You don't have to live like this. I've set you free."

You can be better.   You don't have to live like this.  You are set free.

Whole 30 & my Diet Plan for May

After spending all of April carb loading (IE, enjoying carbs as often as possible), I can't tell you how ready and excited my body is to start Whole 30 tomorrow (read more about Whole 30 HERE). I love my good friend carby carbs and I will miss having that in my life, but I know firsthand how good it feels to have your "gut" melt away when you stop eating carbs or limit carbs to a minimal part of your day and not the bulk of your day.

What I'll really miss and what will be hardest for me to part with in this 30 days is my best buddy Diet Coke.  Even when I did HCG last spring, I let myself have Diet Coke.  It was my one treat and thing to look forward to and I've loved having it in my life this last year as an alternative to ice cream or candy or a drive thru burrito (not kidding) to pick up when I'm out and about. But Whole 30 asks you stay pure and whole and nutritious and don't consume anything that's not real food.  And, alas, my Diet Coke is nothing real at all.

There's always emotional struggle these first few days of detox and I'm prepared for that this time around.  Food is comforting.  Sugar and carbs do things for my brain that I cannot do for my brain in the way of pep talks.  But I know now exercise can also do good things for my brain!  So despite looking forward to this, yes, I know it will be hard -- especially on Mother's Day and Memorial Day -- but it will be worth it.

• So what exactly is my May plan?  To do Whole 30.  To detox.  The prepare myself for a summer of eating the occasional sugar and a small daily amount of carbs, but mostly staying highly nutritious.  
• To track calories.  I weigh 178lbs and am 5'6" and athletic.  I eat 1800 calories a day when I'm tracking and trying to lose weight.  I used to eat less, but eating more seems to help me lose better especially when those 1800 calories are really, really good foods.
• To focus on short, quality exercise.  After spending April devoted to 4-5 hours of running a week, I'm happy to change up my game.  I still want to run but I also want to get back into T25 and HIIT.  My thought process now is to do 5 cardio days a week where I work at least 20 minutes and no more than 45 minutes.  This still allows me to go for a faster paced 5 mile run if I want to, but takes the pressure off of doing so much work every day.  I could do a 20 minute jog or a T25… whatever.  And if all 5 days are just 20 minutes one week?  That's fine.  The goal is to not burn out.  Exercise is always important and being athletic this month is important to me, but the primary focus is nutrition.  I also want to lift at least 4 days a week.  Ideally the lifts should be 2 days of each focus area… shoulders/back, arms/chest, legs/glutes.  That would be 6 technical days of lifting but sometimes things can be combined into a longer lifting session (full upper body) and leg day being once a week is ok with my since I'm so active with my cardio.

So that's my plan for May! Nutrition primary, athleticism in an easy to maintain way.  My husband has asked how much I hope to lose and I don't really have an answer.  When you do literally everything you can it's kind of just up to your body doing what it's going to do.  I'd love to lose 10lbs, but realistically I'll probably lose 5-7lbs.  I do expect to lose 2 or so inches around my waist though and I think results will be noticeable even if the scale doesn't move much.

And it's not to late to join my DietBet game if you want to!  http://dietbetter.com/mynestinginstincts  It's a small game, but I think it'll be fun and good accountability to have a small group of dieters.  I'd love to see everyone win, recoup their money, and be down 4% of their body weight.  That's truly an all around win right there!

So what about you?  What's your May plan?

My Diet Bet

Well hey! I ran a half marathon yesterday! I'm excited to post about it, but I have a more time sensitive post to write up for you today!

I've been approached by www.dietbetter.com about creating a Diet Bet game and I've accepted!  If you follow me on Instagram you know in April my SOLE focus was athleticism and marathon training.  I have NO regrets about that.  But I did spend most of the month maintaining my weight by going up and down 3lbs.  And I still need to shake the 5lbs I gained over Christmas and the 5lbs I gained at Disney World and the last 5-10lbs I have to lose after that too!  SO for May, I need to reset mentally and get back into a weightloss mindset.

I decided in April I'd do Whole 30 (read more at www.whole30.com) for the month of May as a sugar carb detox/flush and a way to get me mentally back into making the best choices and get to shedding inches (because if I've learned anything this last year it's that carbs and sugar = lots of inches).  Whole 30 is MY diet plan and has nothing to do with what Diet Bet requires or what you should consider if you're doing Diet Bet.  I never recommend specific diets (except Weight Watchers) to people because everyone is different.  When I first cut carbs, sugar, and dairy out of my diet I did so under weekly Doctor and Nutritionist supervision.  If this is something you're considering, make sure you research it and get your Doctor's thoughts on the matter too!

So the Diet Bet!  Basically you go to THIS LINK to see my game.  I've set the buy in VERY low because I know I would NEVER do anything like this if the buy in was high.  And the buy ins are usually high.  So after consulting Diet Bet and my followers on Instagram, I set the buy in at $10.

Basically, you pay $10 and submit your start weight and photos by April 30th.  Then for 28 days (4 weeks) you submit your weighs in and at the end the people in the bet who have lost 4% of their start weight will split the pot! It could be 1 person, it could be 5 people so I can't say how much percent you'll get of the pot, but Diet Better does a good job of keeping everyone in the game really aware of their and everyone else's standings.

I think this can be so fun and such a great accountability!  I know last year when I chose to go to a Nutritionist for weightloss, knowing how much of a financial stank I had put into my weightloss efforts really motivated me!  If you're considering it, please check out my game HERE and be SURE to read the rules HERE so you really understand the game (I would try to explain more, but the company and their rules are so much better at explaining, of course!)  As the host of the game I'll be there supporting you and encouraging you and of course posting yummy food pics and my workouts on Instagram! :)

And if you're like me, you're probably wondering… what if people lie?  Well read the rules.  I did and I realized, "Oh, ok! That's basically impossible."  Throughout this process there will be referees with the Diet Better website and we'll be uploading photos of ourselves and our scales and a daily "word of the day" along with our scales to prove our weight really happened on the day it should have.  I really, really appreciate that accountability system!

So here's to our Diet Bet!  I hope a lot of you play! It'll be super fun and encouraging I think!  :)

Feelings on Running Almost a Year Later

Inhale. Exhale. Focus on the beat. Adjust pace to the beat. Inhale. Exhale.

It's been almost a year since I ran my first mile.  It took 16 minutes but that didn't matter. I was so proud.  So accomplished.  So elated.  In fact, I'd take the measure of that moment and put it in the top 10 most proud moments of my life.

And now, almost a year later, I'm chained to a running schedule.  I remember when I did my first 5k on the treadmill.  It took me something like 41 minutes or so, but again I just was so proud and couldn't believe I finished.  I did what any rational person shouldn't do upon finishing such a feat while being riddled with endorphins and took to social media declaring I decided to run the OKC Memorial Half Marathon.  I'm glad I did this because HELLO accountability.  And hello goal.  I knew I'd need a goal that would require pushing myself especially once the weightloss process was concluded (or stale) and I needed to keep pushing for fitness and health and weight maintenance.

So bit by bit I've trained.  In the summer I pushed myself with my distance.  I got comfortable running 3 miles and then when fall rolled around I started adding in some long run days and doing some distance. 4 miles. 5 miles. 6 miles.  I felt incredible.  Before Thanksgiving I set a record and ran 8 miles and then before Christmas I ran 10.  It felt awesome.  Then I spent the winter months attempting one long run every week but taking the rest of the week to cross train.  It was too cold or not light enough in my available hours to hit the pavement and run.  I fell in love with weight lifting and HIIT work outs and even doing intervals on the treadmill.  But I really, really started hating my running.  I hated that my only run day was long run day and I felt full of anxiety in the 12 hours before the run knowing I was setting out to do daunting work - 8 miles, 9 miles, 10 miles… inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. It's all mental. Don't stop.  But this is SO MUCH.

I started talking to runners about how I felt.  Runners like my father-in-law who'd done one half marathon himself (and not necessarily runners like my sister-in-law who does Iron Man and Ultra training).  Everyone I talked to said because I was at 10 I'd do fine!  Not to stress and not to let myself burn out.  Because I was burning out.  I was hating run.  So I took a few weeks off and just focused on diet.

Then I realized I was 6 weeks to the race.  Six weeks to this goal I had set for myself in regards to what I wanted to accomplish.  And I wanted to do it well and I wanted to do it right and more than speed or anything else I wanted to feel comfortable.  So, two weeks ago I woke up and Googled training schedules and settled into a plan.  I ran 7 miles that day and spent my first week ever focused only on running and not just running for the sake of release or exercise but running x amount of miles on certain days with certain intention and no wavering.  By my last run of the week (4 miles) before my big run I just really felt like I was hating running again.  I felt chained to the schedule and set out that evening for my run just wondering how it would feel to be done with this and not have all these miles to reach before race day.

This last weekend I ran 9 miles with  my sister-in-law.  It was our first time to run together and when my distance pace is more like 11 minute miles and she can run 16 miles at an 8 and a half mile pace you feel a little nervous going into it.  But the run turned out really great.  I didn't have to stop in all 9 miles to walk and my pace was 10:35 which was made sweeter by the fact my pace in mile 8 was 10:02 and in mile 9 was 9:49.  It was a good run.  And sometimes it takes a good run to make you remember why you love running.  Why you do this.

So while I do still feel overwhelmed with all the miles left to run... and how in the world can I get 5 miles in today and take an hour for myself for running 2 different days this week PLUS another hour and a half on Saturday, I know I can do it.  It helps to have a supportive husband and kids who think I'm so cool for running.  It helps knowing I am fulfilling a goal.  A BIG goal.  To know I'm pushing myself to do something most people don't.

But honestly, I won't race again (with the exception of one day hopefully running in a run disney half or full marathon).  I am looking forward to this race and finishing but the distance has been hard on my body and the schedule has taken a lot of pleasure out of the running and I don't want to burn out.  After this race I look forward to knowing I can go run 4 days a week for 2-4 miles no problem and still run 5-6 on days I have more time (like Saturday) and not have pain the next day.  It feels good to know I have this and after the race I can run what I want.  And I will keep running.  But the days of starting a Saturday attempting to run 8+ miles will be behind me (you know, unless there's like cake planned for the day or something ;).) for now.

I love stretching myself and fulfilling goals, but I also love knowing myself.  And I know myself now well enough to know that I do love running but I also love weight lifting and cross training and moving forward from this race I look forward to approaching life in a well-rounded way.  And I look forward to dieting a bit again.  With all this training I don't have energy to detox.  My body is adjusted to what kinds of foods I'm eating so if I were to cut carbs or sugar it would take my body at least a month to pull from fat stores instead of energy stores during the detox period and I've seen my pace really suffer from that.  So in May it'll be nice to still work out but also be able to focus on diet again and hopefully shake these last 10-15lbs.

I know it's been awhile since I've updated and that this update is really all about running and my feelings, but now you know!  This is where I am, this is life.

What I want to tell Her

This is what I want to tell her.  [The her who is me, then.]

I know your heart because it's my heart.  I know that you are full of personality and confident socially.  I know you do well meeting new people and that you are not shy.  I know that you are funny and smart and capable of carrying a good conversation.  I know you want friends and community because you're a new Mom and you're lonely (and so is every other Mom, just so you know) and that if you really tried to get out there (and you did) and just be yourself, people would like you!  They'd enjoy a conversation with you.

….But you don't want to go out.  You don't want to socialize.  You can and you will because you have to.  It's polite to talk because with the Mom next to you at the Chick Fil A playground, but you are shy (even though you're not) because you've lost your confidence.  All you see in you is how you are 250lbs.  Sure you have two babies on your hip (literally, both practically BABIES since they're so close in age), but you know you just KNOW deep down that you're still being judged.  Your a bad person because you're fat.  You're a bad Mother because you're fat.  You were cruel to them in utero because you wanted to eat ice cream and jalepeno chips to your heart's content.  So you clam up and you isolate yourself and you're lonely and so you turn to that good old friend.  Food.

I know you're not happy with your inability to be active.  I know it embarrasses you when you come out from a walk on the treadmill for only 20 minutes at a 2.5 pace with no incline caked in sweat.  I know you don't want your husband (who's worked out as long as you've known him) watch you work out because you're jiggly and awkward and it's embarrassing.  It shouldn't be because he chose you, he loves you, but it is.  You think you HATE running.  You've tried it before and clam up and get so angry.  You hate being sweaty because your face turns bright red and kids in Elementary school (when you were kind of chubby) asked "ARE YOU DYING!?" because your wee bit of Irish blood is routed in the veins of your face and lights up when you work out.  So you don't.  You hate sweat, you hate your red face, you hate it all.  You HATE working out.

…But it will become your lifeline.  When you stop turning to food when you feel sad or lonely or depressed or bored, you will start turning to fitness.  One day when you are strong in your resolve in dieting you will decide to try to jog awhile on the treadmill.  And you'll jog more and more and more until you are BEAT RED and sweaty but you just ran your first full mile! Sure it took you 16 minutes, but you did and you are PROUD.  You run out to tell your husband who celebrates with you.  There's no more shame in being seen by him on the treadmill or doing burpees or lunges or planks or squats because this is FUN and the sweat feels good and your body is changing. And a good run?  A good run clears your head and turns around your attitude more than the numb, mindless eating that came with a binge ever did.  You love working out.  YOU ARE A RUNNER.  (You ran 8.5 miles just today!) And you run in public where everyone can see!  There's no more shame or embarrassment least of all over a little (LOT) of sweat and a red face.

I know you think you're pretty.  You have nice hair and a pretty face.  But you don't really think you're attractive.  You are intimidated by all the other women.  It shouldn't matter.  It should matter who you are on the inside not the outside, but you don't always feel pretty on the inside either.  You feel like a liar when you go on a binge and hide the secret shame of what you've eaten deep in the trash can and don't speak a word and then are "surprised" when you gain weight that week because "I just don't know what happened!"  You feel trapped in a war with yourself you can't win.  You have a problem.  A psychological problem.  You need help.  You know this and your husband knows this and your excuses don't matter anymore because even though "it's expensive" or "it's time away from the kids and my family" the reality is you are not healthy.  Mentally or physically.  You're under the false pretense that every other woman has it together.  Especially the skinny ones.  You never assume they lost copious amounts of weight and have their own battles.  You just want to be them, but you can't.  And you feel like you'll never get there.  You feel HOPELESS.

…You made it!  You got there!  You're 10lbs away from losing 100lbs.  You are confident in your appearance.  You are more than just a pretty hair and a nice face.  You enjoy shopping for clothes!  You love shopping and all the girly things you hated before because you worked hard to get here!

…And you feel good on the inside.  That's what's most important.  You don't feel like a liar.  You feel raw and honest and it hurts sometimes to say things like, "I can't run for 3 days because I'm in a bad head space and I know I'll have a break down emotionally that will probably lead to me eating all of the things," but the thing is that's ok!  You have succeeded so much just in that you know yourself.  You know your triggers.  You are HONEST with yourself and others.  You don't binge and when you do (because you will always struggle with this mental problem of needing food to cope) you don't hide and you bounce right back.  You've found other ways (healthy ways!) to deal with grief or depression or loneliness or boredom and you are not at war with yourself 95% of the time.  It took a lot of work.  It takes work almost every day and sometimes it requires you to leave your kids and family for an hour and a half so you can run or to let the kids play by themselves so you can clean every surface but you are BETTER FOR THEM.  You are a GOOD Mom.  You are a GOOD wife.  Because you take care of yourself.  That matters.  It matters a lot.

So to the Ashley who I know from Christmas 2011 post-baby and just getting started.  The Ashley overwhelmed at the daunting 100lbs she has to lose.  I know it seems daunting.  I know you know it'll take a while.  I know you're embarrassed to walk and you hate to sweat and you'll NEVER be a runner, but don't give up.  Keep going.  You are going to make it and you are going to love who you become.

And to the Ashley who I know from Christmas 2012.  Don't lose heart because you "only" lost 30lbs this year (and are starting to gain it back because you feel down).  Those 30lbs are very important.  They're you're start.  You worked hard to kiss those 30lbs away and learn important lessons about yourself.  Don't give up just because weight isn't coming off as quickly as you'd like.  It takes time to reach our goals and you WILL.  I know you will.  In just a few short months you'll make a decision to leave Weight Watchers and see a Nutrionist and it will change everything.  You'll become a runner.  I know you don't believe me, but it happens.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.

And Ashley of now, Christmas 2013.  Don't give up.  Don't give in.  You're so close.  SO CLOSE.  You know so much and you've come so far and you will make it.  You can taste it.  You're a runner and you're almost to a point of learning to MAINTAIN weight for the first time maybe ever instead of being someone trying to lose weight.  Don't go backwards.  Maintain and maintain well and keep challenging yourself and enjoying the physical outlet of exercise.  Keep being honest and raw and open even if it feels awkward and less pivotal now that you're not 250lbs confessing how you binge eat (because Lord knows and you know you can still put food away now like you did back then).

And to YOU.  To you, whoever you are reading this post.  Wether you're beginning or in your middle or almost to the end of whatever goal… don't give up.  Don't think you can't.  Don't underestimate yourself.  Don't limit yourself.  Be honest with yourself.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.  Keep working.  Take setbacks in stride and then pick up and start again.  Find friends or family to hold you accountable.  Journal privately your thoughts and feelings in regards to your relationship with food and try to figure out why you aren't who you want to be and how you got there.  That work -- the mental work -- it matters as much as all the eating and activity, I promise.  You can do this.  It may take 6 months or a year or two years or three years, and that may seem daunting; I understand that!  But you can do it.  You really can.  Just start.

Paleo: Week 2 - An Update on my Relationship with Binge Eating

Honestly, week 2 was fine.  Until Saturday.  Saturday is the marker for a continued "un-doing" for me if you will, so I suppose I should start this there!

I had spent all week looking forward to my Saturday run and that morning I decided to revamp my playlist.  I love Fun's first album and "The Gambler" is a favorite song.  It's not a good running song, but it holds heavy sentiment and I thought that'd be motivating while I ran.  EH, wrong.  The song came on shuffle in mile 2 and I got so emotional and misty and frustrating by ALL MY FEELINGS I had to stop and walk.  I never walk in my distance runs so I knew this was going to make things rough and unless I walked a lot more I wasn't going to hit my goal of 8 miles.

Listening to that song reminded me of Josh's aFib episode in February and it took me straight back to all those feelings I felt that night I found him unresponsive on the bathroom floor and didn't know if I'd be a widow come morning.  It was so terrifying and I felt it all over again in this run. I tried to push through the feelings and use them to motivate me.  After all, in hindsight I truly believe this scare with his health is what turned my own life around and pushed me to work harder to lose weight and get active, so I wanted desperately to channel that thinking.  But I couldn't.  I ran feeling fearful and feeling the heaviness of the situation and then I had to stop after 2 laps and at 5.6 miles because I just was spent physically and emotionally.  And then I was frustrated I didn't do my 8.

And honestly?  Honestly that bad run has left me crippled.  I cannot get motivated to work out this week since that run and I know that is why.  I know deep down I'm afraid a solid run or being pushed physically doing T25 is time I could become overly emotional and reflective again and I could walk away from the work out feeling discouraged or defeated instead of empowered.


But why does that matter?  Shouldn't I embrace emotion?  Shouldn't I embrace the avalanche of feelings, work through them, and push on?  The problem is I've worked through these feelings.  There's no more work to be done.  The remembering now is just remembering the fear and how it all felt.  It's reliving the emotions.

The truth is I don't struggle with binge eating very much right now.  I still had my days or moments between mid June and the beginning of November when I was maintaining weight and just doing my own thing, but it wasn't like before and if I did binge, I'd find control the next day (or days) and I'd "recover" calorically from the heavy load the day before.

When my diet is extremely rigid I don't binge at all.  I can't.  In this process of losing weight this year I've learned an important thing… I binge eat to cope with what I cannot control: feelings and emotional reactions to situations outside of my control.  When I am on a strict diet, I am in control.  When I feel myself slipping or I feel temptation, I've learned it helps to go clean something because that is controlling my environment.  And speaking of controlled environment, I've learned I'm not as easily triggered to binge when my environment is within my control and predictable: a schedule, a clean(ish) house, a menu, a plan… When things are "play it by ear" or the house is in chaos I struggle more.  It's all mental.

The problem with feeling so emotional on a run is that the emotion cannot be controlled.  I cannot stop feeling this way no matter how hard I try.  And that makes me feel really terrible.  And while it didn't make me want to binge Saturday, I worry about falling apart a different day.  What if I run during nap time tomorrow, for example, and the emotions are still raw and out of control and I lose my mind and go crazy and undo all the work I've put in this month?

The thing about any psychological disorder, binge eating or otherwise, is that once you've learned all your triggers it's easy to become fearful of going anywhere close to the gun when you know it's loaded.  Most days now it's empty and locked away in a drawer, but after Saturday… it's loaded, baby, and I feel that.  And the CONTROLLING part of me hate how it's dictating my life right now, but the victorious part of me is saying, "wait, just wait… wait until your mind tells you you're ready."

And I think that's what I'm taking away from this week.  The key to a healthy lifestyle is diet and exercise.  And that's often the key to weightloss too.  BUT weightloss can still be achieved by a change in your diet OR a change in your activity.  So going into this week I know I'm being less active and while that bothers me and I do miss working out, I know I can make right decisions in my eating and still feel great and have success next week.  I think it's easy to get caught up in how you HAVE to exercise to lose weight.  You don't.  I didn't really for the first year of my dieting and I lost SLOWLY but I did still lose.  If you struggle like I struggle and you are hitting the gym or the pavement and you just feel awful mentally or emotionally and psychologically after your work out my (non-expert) advice is to just stop.  Maybe just like your muscles need days to rest your brain needs time to rest because IF you are like me, every day is more choice after choice in a mental-type battle than it is anything else when it comes to diet.

So having said all that, I'll share the official result.  I was down 0lbs.  This ate me more than it probably should have Sunday morning.  I obsessed about it literally all morning.  I felt bad for my husband because we'd talk about other things awhile and then I'd start talking about my weight again like a crazy obsessed person.  So after giving it a lot of thought I decided to stop Paleo and switch to the slow-carb diet which is basically like Paleo but you don't get to eat fruit or nuts but you DO eat beans.  Yay, sweet beans!  I missed them!  You also get a full cheat day with the diet which I took Sunday before getting started since I'd been strict Paleo to that point.  It's not that I didn't like Paleo, but I wasn't in it for the lifestyle and it wasn't helping me lose anymore.  I probably would have lost this next week, but I needed something new.  I also needed beans back and although I am MISSING fruit a whole lot I feel like the carbs and mass amount of protein I'm getting from the beans is helping me a lot with energy levels.  I'm anxious to see if it improves the quality of my NEXT workout.

So there it is.  All my feelings is a giant-sized post.  It helps me to come here (or more often to a journal and type it all out because I work through it in ways I can't when I talk to people or just sit and think.  I also like to believe I'm somehow helping someone else out there who struggles with emotional eating or binge eating or the need to control or anything like what I mentioned.  There's definitely a need for privacy in the Internet, but there's also a need for those of us who like to share how we lost 90lbs to be honest and real and open to the people around us who are just starting or maybe right where we are but struggling with all the same things.  Talking helps.

Thanks for listening.

Weightloss Update: Where I Am

It's been awhile since I've been here talking about weight, dieting, my mentality in it all... It's been mostly Disney World this and Disney World that which is great, but I'm taking a break today to just talk about weightier things (hilarious, right?).

found on interest

Weightloss has been REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me since I stopped HCG.  I regret (yes, REGRET) not tacking 4 more weeks onto my plan to lose the last 10lbs I needed to to reach my goal.  I wanted to finish with Weight Watchers.  I was ready to go at it on my own.  I couldn't pay another chunk of money to keep going.  The timing worked out to finish since I started the stabalizing plan the day after Josh's Grandpa passed away and we left for California and that was SIGNIFICANTLY easier to do than the HCG program would have been while traveling.  SO I shouldn't regret it.  The decision was right.  But losing these 10, no, now 15lbs in post has been so hard!!!

The first few weeks I pretty much maintained and gained a little.  I expected that because I immediately started eating more Weight Watchers and less clean.  Then I lost.  I started Weight Watchers at 170 and got down to 164 within a few months (just in time for our anniversary).  9lbs to go!  And then at 16 weeks into Weight Watchers when I finished my first book, I was 170.  So in the course of 16 weeks I basically lost and gained 6lbs thus becoming great at maintaining 170lbs.  That sucked.  And guess what?  After 16 weeks I could have afforded that last 4 weeks of HCG.  I was paying the same amount and not hitting lifetime as quickly as I thought I would.  SUPER disappointing. 

 So last week I was more intentional in my workouts.  I had done running and T25 until we bought a coffee table on our anniversary trip.  Since stopping T25 I upped my running game a ton, but my arms and stomach are flabbier because they're not being faithfully worked.  It felt good to work up a plan in my head to target these areas in addition to daily running.  I also stopped eating carbs 2 days in the week to balance out 2 days I didn't track points in the week.  It worked and I got back to 169lbs.

There's still SO many good and positive changes in my life because of what I did.  I have to remember that.  I'm a runner now.  I'm running a 5k in 30 days with my sister and I'm running a half in the OKC Memorial marathon.  I've learned I LOVE distance running and each week I look forward to a long Saturday run (I'm training for the half by adding a half mile each Saturday to my distance - I hit 7 this last week!).  I used to hate running and couldn't do it and didn't try.  Now I can run without stopping 1 hour and 17 minutes.  That blows my mind!

I've learned to make healthier eating decisions.  I've learned balance.  If I spend a day eating junk, I need to spend the next two days eating well.  I've learned how to maintain a weight for a long period of time.  These are all good, good, good things!  These are all things that indicate I've changed and even though I "held" 170lbs, I did HOLD 170lbs and then start going back down and I'm not on my way back to 250lbs.

And yet... I'm still 15lbs from my goal.  I'd like to lose 20 more pounds.  Then I will have lost 100lbs!  I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my current mental hang ups are with all of this.  Why am I content to maintain and not lose?  Because I am really, really content.  Except for feeling devastated when I hit 170 (my panic weight), I've been fine with the little gains and losses the last several months.  I think there are a lot of reasons...

We're talking about if we should try for baby 3 this next year (my IUD "expires" next December) and at this point I know I could reach a goal and not have a long time to sit there before I get pregnant.  The same applies to goals.  If I reached mine I'd be a size 8/S and would need another new wardrobe again and I feel bad spending more money on clothes and then outgrowing them when pregnant... Just a lot of hypothetical mental talk.  I also feel if I can master maintaining this weight, I'll do better gaining less weight while pregnant.  My Mom pointed out though that if I gain 30lbs at 150, I'll end at 180, but if I gain 30lbs at 170 I'll end at 200.  Well I NEVER want to see 200 again even when pregnant!!!

I'm also telling myself I'm enjoying this phase.  And I am! I worked hard to get here!  I feel pretty confident in my body (aside from my stomach flab) and am just enjoying shopping and that 10s fit and Mediums fit... I feel good!  When you feel good about yourself and have peace in who you are and not in the number, it's hard to find motivation to keep going.

At this weight, I can maintain and pretty much still enjoy eating.  I can have big meals or slurge and recover and just enjoy eating without thinking too much.  I'm honestly not utilizing Weight Watchers AT ALL except to weigh in each week.  I'm rarely tracking and I'm not going to meetings.  That's the truth.  So I know at this weight I just have it figured out.  Losing requires being restrictive again and I'm just enjoying for once eating how I want to while still being "small."

And speaking of Weight Watchers... I've learned an important thing about my relationship with diets.  When I'm on HCG or when I'm with a Nutritionist or doing something extremely rigid with strong accountability and financial commitment, I am great at thriving.  My money is on the line.  My options are few.  I'm in this thing.  Because I've been on Weight Watchers so many times and failed or because I know I can eat technically whatever I want as long as I track and the focus is more on points tracking than healthy choices (in my mind), I just don't succeed as much. ...Or those are my excuses to not succeed as much.  I'd really like to try Advocare but don't have the money to shell out for that right now.

So where does that leave me?  I DO want to lose.  I want to achieve my goal.  I've come SO far so why the mental hang ups?  Why stop.  I've lost EIGHTY POUNDS!!!! EIGHTY!  But I'm only 20lbs away from losing ONE HUNDRED POUNDS.  And that was the goal.  So I'm doing my very best to mentally engage back into a losing mentality.  I'm trying to make good decisions.  I'm trying to balance out clean eating days number for number with bad eating days (3 for this week).  I'm debating doing clean eating the next 30 days so I can detox and shrink and lose before the 5k/Thanksgiving/the holidays.  And I'm working out.  There was a short season I had a hard time finding any motivation (after vacation), but now I'm back at it.  I've ran the last four days.  Today I only had 15 minutes but I laced up and did it because I knew it would help me mentally as I worked through the rest of my day.  I'm engaging.  I'm trying.  I WANT to do this.  I want to want to do this.

Are you here?  Have you lost weight, but you're stuck?  Are you mentally content with maintaining a great weight, but know you have more to lose to reach your ultimate goal.  My friend, we are selling ourselves short.  We might be great and feel great, but we could be better.  20lbs on me will make a huge difference.  It didn't from 250 to 230, but it will from 169 to 149.  I hope you can find new motivation too!  Especially now before the holidays since it's the American way to gain!  Thanks for listening!

5 Tips for Maintaining (continuing to lose) after Rapid Weightloss

So here I am at 84.8lbs down with 10.2 to go to hit Lifetime at Weight Watchers and 15.2 to go to lose 100 (because let's face, who doesn't want to say, "I lost 100lbs!"... It just sounds better than "I lost 95!")  As most of you know I lost my first 25lbs fairly slowly through over a year at Weight Watchers.  Then, over the course of 14 weeks I lost about 55lbs doing a rapid weightloss/healthy eating program with a Nutritionist.  And now I'm back at Weight Watchers and down 5 more pounds from the last 10 weeks (boy did everything slow back down!).

When you lose a lot of weight quickly it's mental.  When you lose ANY weight it's mental because it goes a little something like this:  At one point, I was 250lb woman.  I ate like a 250lb woman.  I thought like a 250lb woman.  Now I'm a 165lb woman.  But I can still eat like a 250lb woman.  Just stick a bowl of queso in front of me and watch me put the food away.  I'll ALWAYS be able to eat like that.  It's just the sad reality because my mind has been there, my stomach has been stretched that far... it's possible!  And a lot of people - wether they do rapid weightloss or not - gain weight back at some point.  It happens.  Christmas rolls around and it's no longer appealing to eat like the weight you are or want to be, you want to eat like you used to be because hello! Fudge! Cookies! Rich, salty food galore!  I completely, completely, completely understand!  

And so today, I'm sharing with you my tips for maintaining your loss and still losing when you transition out of a program (or just switch to a program that's more of "what real life looks like now") and into learning to eat like you want to eat the rest of your life to look how you want to look the rest of your life!

Plan Ahead

The last two weeks I've posted on Instagram my plunder of fruits (and one time) veggies after I had chopped everything up for the week.  This is something I started doing recently, but oh it is so vital!

A typical week in produce for my family of four (a man, a woman, and two toddler boys who want to eat every hour) looks like this: 1 watermelon, 1-2 canteloupes, 1-2lbs strawberries, 8 apples, about 20 bananas (purchased throughout the week), 2-3lbs of grapes, 2-4 oranges, 2 bunches of romaine lettuce or 1 2-3lb bag of salad, 1 head of cauliflower, 1lb fresh green beans, 1lb bag baby carrots, 2 cloves of garlic, red onion, pickles, 4-6 tomatoes, 2 sweet potatoes, 2-5lb bag of potatoes (lasts 2-3 weeks).  We eat a LOT of produce.  Produce, milk, and meat is where we spend the bulk of our grocery budget.

Anyway, usually the day after I shop or the night I shop after I've recovered, I go on a chopping frenzy.  It always starts with the strawberries and ends with the watermelon.  Typically my kids are awake when I do this and are watching TV or playing and my baby E (who's not a baby -- he's almost 2) figures out what I'm doing and gets about 4 bowls of the various fruit as it's chopped.  He's my fruit loving kid!  I chop, bag or box the cold stuff, put the room temperature fruit in the fruit bowl and walk away.  

The BEAUTY in this is that is now easier to go get watermelon than it is to make a bowl of popcorn.  It takes me as much effort to give my kids a bowl of strawberries pieces as it does to pour them a bowl of goldfish.  It makes choosing to throw together cauliflower chips almost as easy as eating potato chips.  It makes salad so easy.  It's just a good decision.  My "stock pile" usually lasts 5-6 days and by the end of it I'm ready to do it all again.

Keep Moving

Most people fall in love with exercising.  I did!  It's addictive now.  And no, it's not addictive like I need to train hours a day.  I still max out around an hour and spend an hour of my day working out only 1-2 days a week, but when I'm in my rhythm, I need that 20-30 minute run or that 25 minute workout video every day.  And right now, that's what my body expects!  It needs that to feel better and healthier.  And it pays off!  Even in weeks I'm up in my weight, I'm down or the same in my measurements.  And even though I've only lost 5lbs in the last 10 weeks, I've seen my stomach develop definition and 10 weeks ago it was still quite flabby!  Moving also continues to motivate you to eat well.  I make better choices because I've already chosen to put all this effort in work in so reaching for popcorn is less appealing.  And if you're a Mom, it's SUCH a great break!  I love starting my day running because it's doing something for me.  It makes the demands of the rest of the day easier to take.

Don't Buy What You Can't Deny Yourself

Chips! Cookies!  Popcorn!  About 2 weeks after my big results diet, I had free reign and so I bought rice cake chips.  They were delicious.  So delicious in fact I waited until my husband and kids were in bed one night and ate the WHOLE BAG.  It felt terrible and I felt again like I was just a 250lb person living in a 165lb body waiting to become a 250lb person again.  So I don't buy those anymore!  Recently my grocery store had Pop Chips for 99 cents and people love those things so I bought a bag!  Same problem.  I know I need to buy chips.  My husband who has weight management down loves them in his lunches and my kids get them a couple times a week so I buy chips I don't like they do.  IE salt & vinegar or dill pickle flavor (ew!).  I also try not to buy goldfish for the kids and instead get pretzels because I don't like pretzels very much.  And as far as desserts, it's strictly graham crackers, marshmallows, vanilla wafers, and animal cookies - nothing I like much so I'm not tempted to dive in!  Popcorn I bought again lately and while I've controlled myself with it, I see it as a problem.  I'm trying to decide now if it's a treat or a bad influence.  I'm tracking it and controlling myself but those 7 points of buttery goodness are not good for me at all!

Be Consistent 

I've said this before.  Eat the same things.  This is what skinny people do.  My best friend Reagan literally eats a half of sandwich with a few chips or a cup of soup for lunch every single day.  Even at a lunch out she'll order this.  It's her thing.  And she loves it!  I see this in a lot of slimmer friends and I've tried to adopt the habit.  Today my Mom brought us McDonalds to the park.  She and I always get the Southwestern Grilled Chicken salad.  While I was tempted to stray and enjoy a burger, I knew I'd have a better burger later this week at home and I needed to stick to my guns.  I also eat a turkey sandwich for lunch most days.  I eat an apple every day.  I eat eggs or Special K for breakfast.  I drink the same creamer.  My family eats most of the same dinners and when I am low in points those dinners always become a salad for me.  Being consistent is SO key to me because I know what I'm doing.  The days Josh makes waffles and we order pizza for dinner and I decided to get a burger for lunch are the worst days on me and I always, always, always go over in points, drink less water, feel unmotivated to work out, and feel awful!

Reward Yourself

This looks different for everyone!  Josh and I have "allowances" we get in our budget every pay check.  It's not much to most people, but it's something!  It's enough for me to buy a new top at Forever 21 or a pair of jeans during a great sale at Kohls.  Now that I've lost weight shopping is a really enjoyable experience and getting a size 10 and a medium or a small and consistently fitting in those sizes is very motivating!  But sometimes there isn't much money and I still need a reward.  Those days a reward can come in some time to myself.  I skip cleaning or working out at naptime and take a nap or watch TV or read.  We go to my Mom's house and I lay by the pool while my kids sleep.  I take a solo trip and walk around Target.... whatever makes you feel reconnected to yourself and motivated, do it!  And do it wether you're succeeding or not because sometimes your lack of success is because you feel so overwhelmed and want to EAT ALL THE THINGS! (Or maybe that's just me?)

.........

And just another note... surround yourself with positive people!  My best friends are so supportive!  My girls know I'm dieting and struggling to overcome this weight problem and they care!  Friends have made me Weight Watcher friendly meals they found on Pinterest for me during play dates, they've let me pick where we eat lunch, they text encouragement, they ask about the heart of the issues, and they listen when I say I'm failing and offer support and tough love!  My husband is encouraging and he is the best at helping me take the time to work out!  Morning work outs are my favorite and I appreciate so much how he watches the kids and takes care of breakfast so I can do that.  My family is supportive!  My Mom is also on Weight Watchers and so instead of us saying, "Let's be bad and eat Mexican food and queso today!" we buy salads and take the kids to the park.  I hope you have people in your life who can encourage you too!

And if you're failing... if you're gaining or struggling, don't lose heart!  Tomorrow is a new day and you can find new resolve!  Sometimes I get off 1-3 days.  I don't exercise and I don't track and I stop caring because all the work!  But then I think about how I want to be THIS person not who I was before and I think about how far I've come and it helps motivate me all over again!

Gains, goals & giving in.

Just doing a little diet/weightloss/mental wellness check in.  How have y'all been doing with your weightloss?  I had two weeks of gains at Weight Watchers.  They were both small gains (half a pound), but it sucked none the less.  The first week I earned the gain.  I was sick and ate a burrito the size of my face and couldn't exercise for 5 days.  The second week I got back on track and worked really hard in my work outs and to control my eating, but I still gained!  

Five weeks ago I started T25 in addition to or instead of running.  That first week I was SORE but it felt good!  The second week I felt better doing it but missed running.  The third week is when I was sick too so I missed some days.  Week 4 I tried to do running and T25 which was just a hard work!  The thing I noticed that week is that my weight was up every day despite working hard and eating well.  Everything I read made me believe my muscles were just retaining water so I thought maybe that's why I gained last week.

This week for week 5 I've abondoned the official plan and routine of T25 to do my own thing.  Every other day I'm running at least 2 miles and then on the days I'm not running I'm doing T25 ab work and if I'm up to it I'm also doing the total body circuit or cardio routine.  And then Sunday and maybe Thursday I'm doing nothing and letting my body rest and recover and rebuild.

I took this photo of my abs last week.  I know they're not all that but for me to see lines and the faintest amount of definition blows me away!  Especially when I know all that was there before was just a big 'ole gut!   It makes me feel good.

For me with working out I had to stop and think what's more important to me right now: toning or hitting Lifetime at Weight Watchers?  Hitting Lifetime is the goal now and upping my exercise game even if that means putting on a little weight initially can be the next goal.  But that doesn't mean I stop working out!

At Weight Watchers last week I finally lost and my leader worked with my to do my official setting of my Lifetime weight!  I've been a "Weight Watcher" 3 times and have NEVER done this.  It felt amazing.  If this is your first, second, or tenth time on Weight Watchers just know this can be your time!  Even if you failed before and didn't make it, you can this time!  I'm 11lbs from this goal and although I know it'll be hard, I'd love to see myself make it by the time my baby turns 2 in the middle of October.

Also lately I broke a 10 minute mile!  That felt awesome!  Remember when I ran my first mile and it was in 16 minutes?  That was HARD but I was so proud!  If you had told me then I'd be under 10 5 months later I'd be like "Whhhhhaaat?!" But here I am!  Feels so good!

And lately there have been failings.  Yes, yes, yes.  We received bad news about my Father-in-law's cancer this week and how it's back and maybe something different.  That same day was full of a lot of other hard moments like getting locked out of my house while my toddlers were in it... and y'all, I ate some feelings.  They came in the form of sugary cereal and it wasn't worth it.  It didn't help.  It just made me feel like "all this hard work in exchange for a bowl of stupid cereal?!" But overcoming that addiction and bad habit takes time.  So if you're there and failing, don't fret because you will overcome!  As always I'm still just trying to find other, better coping mechanisms.

So that's a little update on me and my weightloss journey.  How are you doing?  Have you succeeded? Have you overcome a gaining holding pattern?  Have you sought comfort in food and felt so much regret?  Have you met a work out goal?  I hope you're doing great and if you're not doing great, I hope you're remembering positive self talk and treating tomorrow like a new day and and a new chance to do better!

A Continual Pursuit of Mental Wellness

Just earlier this year I was a 223lb woman who took to nap time like a bear preparing for a long hibernation.  My cubs were down, I was alone and I shoveled everything I could find in our pantry, fridge and freezer into my mouth.  I was numb in these moments.  I sometimes consumed an easy 1000 calories without ever achieving a feeling of full and I was honestly not even fully present and aware of what I was doing until it was done.  And then, when my sense returned to me, there was deep, deep shame.  I didn't plug what I had done into my Weight Watchers app and I buried wrappers deep in the trash so no one would see my shame.  Then I'd gain weight at a weigh in and 'fess up in a round about way, "Well, there was this one time I didn't track, but I didn't think my weigh in would be this bad..." I was sitting on the couch eating all the things, crying and begging to be changed.  Begging to be thin.

And then, as y'all know, I turned my life around.  I spent 100+ days doing a rigid diet and a lot of soul searching.  I changed.  I was made new.  I felt different.  I forgave myself (and others) for things I felt had an iron grip on my soul before this new me and felt release from having to cope with those feelings with food in my future.  But I knew I'd always struggle.  I knew I was addicted to food and I was terrified of leaving the rigidness of my program to go back to Weight Watchers where I could eat anything as long as I tracked.  Suddenly the chips I kept in the pantry to pack in Josh's lunches no longer seemed off limits and like something deliciously able to help me out of a dark, sad day. (Read more about this here.)

Today hasn't been bad, but there have been moments.  I found a family of black widows nesting outside our dining room window, my kids broke my favorite mug, and although it looks pretty cute they colored all over themselves with markers while I was on the phone with pest control.  By the time they went down for naps I knew I had two choices: 1) eat my feelings or 2) work out.  I had already worked out today, but I knew I could do it again and get positive endorphins and have time to think, be alone and decompress without shame and regret.

So onto the treadmill I went for 2 miles.  And in my 2 mile run I thought about this whole addiction thing.  I thought about how really, I still struggled and mostly what I was doing in that very moment was replacing addiction with another addiction.  I wasn't a fat woman sitting on her couch wishing to be thin, I was a healthy woman crying on her treadmill to not struggle with this anymore.  I thought back to sick days and how I sought comfort in things like a bowl of cereal (ok, two bowls) when I was out of points and asked Josh to bring me a burrito the size of my face.  I thought about how I'd pay for those decisions and the 6 days I couldn't exercise (not my choice) on the treadmill tomorrow and how much that sucked.

And it SEEMS like there are women in the world who just have it together in this.  They know what to eat, how to cope with things, how to exercise and they are happy and confident in their bodies.  And maybe I'll be there someday and I HOPE I can be, but right now I can be quite insecure in this body of mine because there's still all this struggle and the devil on my shoulder telling me "eat this, it will help!" and I feel the pull in my soul to the comfort of food.  And now, on my other shoulder, there's an advocate for a new addiction; a healthier addiction, but addiction no less.  They're saying "Work out! Obsess with your weight!  Weigh multiple times every day!"  And although I'm healthier in every way, I haven't achieved full mental health.

Knowing I haven't achieved full mental health is made clearer when I look in the mirror and still see 250lb Ashley.  Those days I often request people to take photos of me because it takes a photo to see I am not that person.

I'm at the point in my journey where I know it would behoove me greatly to see a Psychologist but that just isn't in our budget.  And I know for many of you who have the same struggles and have followed mine -- it's not in your budget either.

So, here I am.  Just working through things as always.  And always I know the route of all the things is to seek solace in Christ.  I know that I can turn to food or exercise or taking a photo of my body at every angle or yelling at my kids because I'm frustrated or a large Diet Coke from Sonic as a treat, but no matter what I turn to, if it's not Christ it's temporary.  A temporary runner's high.  A temporary satisfaction on my taste buds.  A VERY temporary solution to my kids fighting that just leads to deep regret and hurt feelings.  A temporary chemical treatment that is terrible for my body.  A temporary fix that just leads to more obsession and self absorption... None of it is eternal or lasting help.

So this is where I am.  I'm still working hard in what I eat and how active I am, but more than anything I'm still working VERY VERY VERY hard on the mental struggle.

As always, I'd love your thoughts and appreciate how supportive all of my online friends, real life friends and family has been.  I pray this isn't your struggle, but if it is, I hope I can help.

Consistency in Routine

So I thought I'd talk a little bit today about my routine.  I read once when I was 250lbs that people who tend to eat the same things often are thinner.  This makes a lot of sense to me because it seems like when I am presented with different options I am more likely to make the wrong decision... especially since I'm a) so close to my goal weight (166lbs!!!) and b) still learning to maintain a thinner weight!  The best weeks I've had with weightloss, good decision making, and feeling great has come from consistency and I just can't recommend it enough!

So here's my day's routine as far as eating/working out.

Morning - 

The first thing I do when I get into the kitchen every morning is fill my 32oz jug with ice and water.  I make it a rule that I must drink half that jug before exercising and the whole jug before my coffee.  Then while I'm drinking I cook 2 eggs.  I always try to have eggs in the morning because the protein keeps me full.  Sometimes I'll have one egg and a piece of 45 calorie bread toasted with a little light margarine or I'll make some bacon.  I used to always put cheese on my eggs.  I no longer do this because eggs are delicious when well seasoned so why waste the calories?  A few times a week I might eat 1 cup of Special K cereal or half a bagel, but never on days I'm running.  Those days I just want my protein fix!

If I'm running, I like to head out the door soon after breakfast so I don't lose my motivation.  I usually decide beforehand if I'm running distance or time.  These days I'm doing a 5 day a week cardio program with Josh so my runs are shorter just more as a way to keep at running and start my day off right.  I like to always go at least 15 minutes which is around 1.5 miles for me.

After runs or at some point in the morning I'll usually eat a banana or orange or if I'm cutting up a melon for the boys some melon.

Afternoon -

Pretty much every day I eat a turkey sandwich for lunch.  I love sandwiches and so does my family.  As a foursome we eat about 2lbs of lunchmeat a week and go through a whole bag of sliced cheese in that same amount of time.  I build my sandwich with two pieces of toasted 45 calorie bread, 2 oz of turkey, 1 slice of sharp cheddar and add mustard, spinach, tomato, pickles and red onion.  I like to do it up right.  I can't break the mentality that I need to eat something with my sandwich but I've learned it should NOT be chips.  Instead I eat baked cauliflower or fresh fruit (usually melon) alongside my sandwich.

Sometimes the kids and I are out running errands or hit the park around lunchtime.  If we eat lunch out, I try to always get a grilled chicken salad and a light vinegar based dressing which I try to only use half of.  I NEVER eat any croutons, nuts, or granola that comes with the salad as it can usually be more points than the whole salad!

If Josh and I are off on our days for our cardio DVD, I do my work out while the kids nap.  It's only 25 minutes so I can plow through it and still have some time to shower, clean, or unwind after.

Snack -

I love an apple in the afternoon.  Often my boys steal my apple so we usually end up cutting two.  Sometimes I eat Better 'N Peanut Butter with my apple.  Sometimes I also make a spinach smoothie in the afternoon especially after a workout.

Dinner -

Dinner is the most inconsistent time in my day, but I control what we eat because I cook.  I try to stick with the basic principles: lean protein, lots of veggies, limited carbs/starches.  I like to eat mostly produce, 3-5oz of protein, and I always make a pasta, mashed potatoes, or rice for my husband and kids which I sometimes eat in small quantities (like 1/4 - 1/3 cup) even though I should pass.

Snack -

After the kids are in bed I'll either watch TV with Josh and eat grapes or an orange or if we work out I'll probably also make a spinach smoothie if I haven't already.  Sometimes before bed if my family goes swimming or to play outside I'll have a low calorie popscicle.

And sometimes I do eat pizza or our family will go out to eat and the option I choose isn't salad.  When this happens I can usually plan ahead and make sure I eat very light and healthfully all day and then I still try to pump up produce.  For example, we went out for dinner with my in-laws last Friday and my husband and I decided to order a medium salad to share and a 10" pizza for our family to share instead of something bigger.  I filled up on salad and then let myself eat some pizza, but didn't overeat because I had already started the meal off right.  :)

So there you have it!  My day in eating.  I feel like I eat a lot, but mostly I try to keep all my snacking healthy and fresh.  I also should mention I try to drink 3 of those 32 oz jugs total in the day and allow myself 1-2 cans of Diet Coke a day (my vice I still let myself have).

So I'm curious, do you stay consistent in your eating routine?  What about your work outs?  Can you control yourself when you have many options at every meal?