One year ago, I was a mess of emotion. I was overwhelmed and so very excited to be ushering in a new son, but I was horrified at how it would effect J. I was so very afraid he'd change. I thought when he met his brother and had to deal with the divided attention from me (and others) without being old enough to comprehend it, he'd just really... well, I'm not sure what exactly I thought would happen, I just knew it'd be awful and it'd be all my fault. And I just knew it'd translate into hatred of me and of his brother and sadness and a change in his overall happy, spirited, adventurous personality. There were so many nights I spent worrying over him. That worry combined with the normal worry a pregnant woman has for the baby inside of her lead me to having an anxiety attack one night in the second trimester. It was an attack complete with hyperventilating and an inability to regain control of my emotions that landed me in the ER with my husband. That was a low.
Looking back I understand a lot of those extreme feelings were hormones. Some natural, some not, but mostly the hormones were the route of the worry and the fear. But honestly they were not 100% of the cause. I'm that way naturally. I worry. I fear. I think of the worst thing and dwell on it mentally while outwardly portraying myself as the most positive person ever (this is not a lie, per say, it's more my attempt at tricking myself into being a very optimistic person! lol). It's a major flaw of mine. And while I've had life experiences that justify certain types of worry, and while I'm a "clued in" enough person to know it's good to be a little worried because it keeps you cautious and ever-present in the happenings in and around your child's life, I know deep down worry to an extreme extent is not right. And it's not healthy.
So while I sit here a year later, literally typing this post with J on my back, arms wrapped around my neck and nose smashed into my ear so I can hear him breathing while down below us E is playing with a balloon... I have perspective. We've survived a year as a family of four. I lived a year as a Mom to two little boys. I braved hurdles like actually going to sleep, taking a shower while being the only adult in the house, taking both of my children out with other adults, taking my children out by myself, figuring out how to spend one-on-one time with each boy at some point during the day while still taking time for myself... I don't have it all figured it out perfectly, but I've figured it out in a way that works and guess what? We're all happy.
We're all giving and getting attention and working together and loving each other and there are fights. Yes. There is jealousy. Yes. There were very hard moments in the beginning were J did look at E like, "You're ruining my life!" and were I sat sobbing in a hospital room overwhelmed with the baby crying for me besides me while I could hear my toddler screaming, "Mom! Mommy!" over the phone as my husband explained to me J was walking around the house looking for me... But now MOST days they get along. Now, MOST days I find them playing together at some point. And although there's constant correcting (..."Don't ride E like a horse!" "Don't talk to E like a dog!" "Don't take his toy!" "E, don't pull his hair!" "E, you spilled his milk!") there's a bond. There's a precious brother bond I dreamed of and hoped for and it's in it's very early stages of development, but it exists and in it I'm reminded that I didn't ruin J's life and that as a result of a brother 14 months younger than him he did not change. He's still happy. He's still brave. He's still adventurous. And now he's more things... he's mature and kind and he shares well and he cares about people - especially little people. He is good and he's made better for having his little brother.
I know there will be moments J might feel like E ruins his life. Especially when they're teenagers and life gets so dramatic, but I know something now I wasn't sure of a year ago. By having a brother only 14 months younger than him, we've enhanced J's life. My dream is that it's always enhanced in that he has a forever best friend (maybe he and E can even been the next "Property Brothers" or like Owen and Luke Wilson...) he stays close to throughout adulthood, but if that doesn't happen, I realize that at least he has someone to teach him more about character and being a better more loving person.
I should really worry less. The things I obsess and freak out over tend to work out in ways that are so far beyond my comprehension of the thing in the moment, and often, they work out to be really, really great things that didn't need so much worry and overanalyzing in the first place.
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*31 days will resume tomorrow where I'll talk about actual costs of a Disney World trip.
4 comments:
Wow. What a journey you have chronicled in this post! So sweet to see all our fears were really just ghosts, isn't it? Turn on the light of perspective and they flee to the shadows.
Congrats on a beautiful family and such a cute blog, too!
I totally feel/felt this way. I worried so much for my little man before his sister was born. That kid went through a lot when she was born. He slept in 5 different places(moving AND vacation)in the first 5 weeks of her life. I was soooo worried about how he would react. He took it like a champ and LOVES "his baby" sister. I still worry that they will grow up to play together, that I am doing the balance thing as a family of 4 AND a working mom the right way. Thanks for the sweet reminder!
Also, we are only a hour-ish from Hemet and Temecula. We are in the Palm Springs area which means we have HORRIBLE summers (yesterday was the 1st day not in triple digits since May)However, from now until March/April we will have BEAUTIFUL weather. It is pretty nice, I could do without the horrid gas prices right now $4.60ish per gal depending on where you go. I grew up out here, met my hubby at college (Biola University) and then moved back here before we got married. It is nice because the housing market right now was perfect for us to buy, (cheaper than rent!) If we lived anywhere else in So Cal, we would NEVER be able to buy a house. :)
Ashley, this post was so raw and vulnerable and it brought tears to my eyes. Just having so much concern and care for your babies shows how great of a mother you really are. Thanks for sharing and setting a great example for those if us "hope to be future moms".
My boyfriend is about 16 months older than his brother and they were best friends growing up. They were himescooled and only had each other as playmates and it made them really close. Also, they shared a bed as kids and stayed up way into the night just talking and goofing off. As adults they had a falling out, but they've worked through it in the last couple years and asked forgiveness from one another. Now they are best friends as adults and I love seeing them banter with one another. They know each other better than anyone and it's a beautiful bond to me.
I know this is getting long, but he also has a brother 10 years younger and they are super close too. I love seeing them interact and get excited about all nighter video game marathons, building pig pens, shooting guns, or just sitting outside smoking cigars and talking.
Keep up the good work on this blog...I've loved it! :-)
I love this post! Beautifully written, I just felt like I was right there with you. To me, the outsider, sure looks like you've got this family of 4 thing nailed down just right ... but I know the fears you speak of (even tho we are just 3), there's a worry and fear almost daily. You my friend are doing an excellent job of mama-ing!
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