Grace & An Easy Bake Oven

When I was seven I got an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas.  I've always loved cooking, but when you're a seven-year-old your freedom in the kitchen is limited (especially with all things that get hot). So, this little gizmo seemed like my ticket to cooking independently bliss.

I remembered after the wrapping paper was picked up and the parts of various toys were appropriately scattered about our living room I took (or probably my Dad took because hello, heavy!) that Easy Bake Oven to the kitchen table and unpacked it with glee.

It either came with or I was gifted a cake making set.  Right away I knew what I would do.  I would bake up eggs for my family as Christmas breakfast and then make a little cake for myself (and for them too... if they wanted it -- maybe).

So I unpacked and studied instructions and got to work.  I turned on the oven (which had a bulb to do the cooking... a BULB) and waited for it to warm up.  It took forever, but I was a happy camper so I waited.  Then I cooked an egg.  FOREVER.  Or so it seemed, but when you're seven five minutes can feel like days.  I remember finally giving up on the egg and moving on to the cake.  (Because really it was always all about the cake!)  And guess what?  It took FOREVER!!! And right when I thought it was done and pulled it out (most likely against my Mom's advice) I beamed with pride because I had made a cake!  By myself!  With my oven!  And then it collapsed in on itself because the center wasn't cooked.  ...After like, 1 hour of baking!

I'm pretty sure I never used that Easy Bake Oven again.  Sorry, Mom & Dad.

Parenting is a lot like cooking with an Easy Bake Oven when you're seven especially when you're in the thick of the toddler years and the disciplining.

With my oldest, we've been disciplining awhile.  But he's a few months shy of 3 now and independent and he understands things.  He understands that not taking a nap is more fun than taking a nap.  He understands that if he lays on the floor of a grocery store and screams and cries because he doesn't want to be there will get him attention and might make us leave.  He understands that if he pushes his brother, his brother will no longer be in the way; problem solved!  And right now parenting feels like that cake.

Things felt so good and we were making progress in all kinds of areas.  We transitioned them from co-sleeping to their own rooms.  J learned to count to 10.  E learned to walk.  Success was abounding!  And in my mind I felt like we'd made it through the twos without too much terrible.  So mentally, I pulled the cake and beamed and cheered and patted husband and myself on the back and of course the cake went flat in the middle.

And after all that waiting and work!!!

With E, we're just beginning disciplining more now that he's 18 months and saying "no" every 5 minutes and testing his boundaries.  But when you can see one year out and you watch that cake go flat after so much work you get so discouraged.  And you feel like...

I'm the worst Mom.
I'm failing.
I can't do this.
I'm horrible at this.
They'll never obey.
It's all out of control.

And so on and so forth.

The difference is that unlike my Easy Bake Oven, I can't give up.  I can't box it all back up and shove it to the back of my Mom's pots and pans cabinet.  This is my work and my job and unlike any other job in the whole wide world it's Eternal and it matters.  I've been assigned the task of bringing up two humans.  They'll be two men someday!  And sometimes, after days like today, that thought terrifies me as I picture grown-man-J lying on the grocery store floor kicking and screaming and crying about whatever.

I'm just keeping it real here tonight.  I don't have the answer or great wisdom to share if you feel in the thick of it parenting through these little years and are flustered and floundering.  I can just tell you you're not alone.  This is hard.  And friends with older kids say it gets better and that they are hearing the discipline and the correction and they will grow out of this fight-you-on-everything stage.  And I believe them, I do, and I try not to will time to speed up, I do, but some days I just want to fast forward to five and six and see what kind of little boys they are and how I did it.  How I got from here to there (hopefully) successfully.

But that's not possible.  And that's where grace comes in.  So much grace.  Daily grace.  Begging for grace.  And asking God to show me His grace to show them and His mercy and His patience and understanding time and time again.

Because you know what?  To Him, I'm probably a lot like an Easy Bake Oven cake.  I'm doing so great and feeling positive and seeking Him in this parenting role and I pull myself out too soon and I fall flat as I flounder and kick and scream and cry my way through the trenches of parenting.

I'm really no different than my 2.5 year old; at least not to Him.

And thus, grace.  Endless grace.  That's all I need.

Made New

A few months ago, many bloggers were talking about "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst.  I bought the book hoping it'd help me journey through the murky, unpleasant waters of Motherhood and help me when I lose it and yell at my kids.  I thought maybe the book would give me a magic potion to make me suddenly better and the perfect, non-yelling Mom all the time.  After all, raising children is more about raising great adults than good kids and the last thing I want is creating a yelling, explode-when-angry cycle when it comes to my boys.  So, naturally, after buying the book and feeling great about how much it would help me, I waited a few months to read it.  First world problems.

I picked it up again this weekend and delved in.  I'm 5 chapters deep and have learned a lot about dealing with those moments when I come "Unglued" and angry not only with my children (who I explode on) but also with my husband and friends and other family and strangers (who I tend to internalize frustration with).  So, yah, great book to help with that!

BUT before I got to the good stuff where we journey into what kind of unglued we are and how to get past it and find grace in Christ's redemption, I read this whole chapter about how we are prisoners to ourselves and our labels and in light of this journey I'm on with my bondage to food and finding freedom from the chains of being overweight and seeking refuge in a cheeseburger this chapter meant a lot to me.

One portion that particularly stood out to me was this quote, "I'd resigned myself to the lie that I would forever be enslaved to my emotions.  And I spoke to myself in ways I'd never let another person speak to me." (Unglued, pg 34)

Smack in the face!  As someone who struggles with binge eating, I believed before I decided to try to loose these chains that I'd forever and always be a slave to eating when emotional.  Bad day?  Stay up later than everyone to eat all the things in secret.  Yelling at the kids?  Eat a handful of flavorless goldfish for the momentary comfort they provided.  And then after a binge?  There's shame.  Such shame.  And depression and sadness and hurtful thoughts and words and failure and brokenness and I spoke to myself in ways I wouldn't let others speak to me indeed.

A few paragraphs later Lysa says, "I labeled myself as a mess and resigned myself to forever being a mess." (Unglued, pg 34)

I did too.  After being successful on Weight Watchers for a season, I felt crippled under the weight of this binge eating.  That I couldn't get past it.  That this was me.  And that was me forever.  That no matter how thin I could get eventually, I'd always have hang ups when things got rough or sad because I would go back to these ways.  As Lysa so eloquently states, "A soul who believes she can't leave... doesn't." (Unglued, pg 34) And so for 4 months I sat there binging and believing I couldn't change.  That this was my sad life I didn't want but it was who I was.  And there was hurt in my soul and sadness and brokenness inside me.

And then there was a breakthrough.  I started this new diet that would require intensity and strip me of my ability to use food as a coping mechanism for 12 weeks.  I knew that 12 weeks would go quickly and the goal would be quickly achieved, but in the end I would still have work to do inside.  That desire to binge eat and seek food would always live deep in my rotten places and rear it's ugly head.  And I've been scared and prayerful and desperately seeking God throughout this journey as I try to analyze myself and the WHY do I do this and HOW can I stop and slowly, but surely change myself on the inside while I'm being changed on the outside.

The nail was hit on the head for me once more in this chapter when Lysa said, "God is chiseling us, making us new, releasing us from our hard places - those places that make us feel so stinkin' defeated - so we can do good works." (Unglued, pg 39)

After reading that passage I felt differently.  Yes, I know my struggle to binge eat will be there.  It's my greatest sin and my sin nature will never go away while I live here on this earth, BUT GOD can make me new.  He is making me new now.  He is refining me in this process and helping me through the hard places so I can be made new in Him and no longer feel the defeat of binging and eating and seeking comfort in these places.  And it's not for me.  It's not so I feel better inside about how I've changed mentally or externally, it's for Him and His glory.  My story is one about overcoming addiction because of His grace and mercy and leading me through the hard place and making me new.

...And just as I look as Motherhood and parenting as a role given to me by God for His glory, so is my life.  It's all for His glory even something that seems trivial like weight and body image and not binge eating anymore.

Because of these new revelations, I feel a weight lifted knowing that through this journey God is working on me.  How could I forget that?  I also feel a new burden to use this journey and these experiences and lessoned learned to glorify and honor Him.  My story (and your story -- all our stories!) is relevant and matters and I was put here for a reason.  I don't know if my journey will help 1 person or 10 people or 100 people.  I don't know if it will just help me and my family for the new life and chance I've been given as I've been released by grace from bondage or it will extend beyond that... but I know it matters.  It all matters because I matter to Him.  And even that -- remembering that I matter to HIM - He who created me from dust... that's enough to muscle on and dig deeper and believe that the chains are breaking daily and it's all because of Him.

Spicy tuna that will change your life!

Today I'm sharing SUCH an easy recipe that's a total game changer.  ...At least, for me it was a game changer!

Tuna is one of the proteins I can have on my diet and a can is 5oz so it's perfect and has become my lunch on the go or speedy lunch.  Plain, the stuff is awful.  Just last Friday I was at the park with our friends and I had to eat it from the can with my hand (forgot a fork!) and it was like choking down wood chips it was so dry.  Disgusting.  After loathing tuna but needing it in my life, I came up with this super simple recipe to make it amazing and delicious and when I eat it I just picture myself indulging in a spicy tuna roll.  Mmmm!

Ingredients
1/8-1/4 tsp cayenne pepper (depending on your level of bold and daring, of course)
1/8-1/4 tsp chili powder
garlic powder
black pepper
1 can tuna in water

So, dump your can of tuna in a pan cooking on medium high.  No need for Pam or oil because the water is going in with it.  Now sprinkle on your powders (I'd start with 1/8th tsp of cayenne pepper and chili powder and work up from there) and add a few shakes of garlic powder and pepper and give it a good stir.  Let it simmer.  It takes about 5 minutes to cook (so meanwhile I'm steaming a bag of broccoli in the microwave usually) and tastes great hot off the oven!

Dump it onto your plate with some broccoli and maybe some brown rice if you can eat carbs and want the extra calories and you have a delicious, salt-free, high flavor protein packed lunch!  100 calories for that delicious tuna!

And believe me it's GOOD (even though it looks like cat food).  Just talking about it has made me decide I'm making it for dinner because I haven't cooked it since Saturday and that is just too long!

Enjoy!