A Continual Pursuit of Mental Wellness

Just earlier this year I was a 223lb woman who took to nap time like a bear preparing for a long hibernation.  My cubs were down, I was alone and I shoveled everything I could find in our pantry, fridge and freezer into my mouth.  I was numb in these moments.  I sometimes consumed an easy 1000 calories without ever achieving a feeling of full and I was honestly not even fully present and aware of what I was doing until it was done.  And then, when my sense returned to me, there was deep, deep shame.  I didn't plug what I had done into my Weight Watchers app and I buried wrappers deep in the trash so no one would see my shame.  Then I'd gain weight at a weigh in and 'fess up in a round about way, "Well, there was this one time I didn't track, but I didn't think my weigh in would be this bad..." I was sitting on the couch eating all the things, crying and begging to be changed.  Begging to be thin.

And then, as y'all know, I turned my life around.  I spent 100+ days doing a rigid diet and a lot of soul searching.  I changed.  I was made new.  I felt different.  I forgave myself (and others) for things I felt had an iron grip on my soul before this new me and felt release from having to cope with those feelings with food in my future.  But I knew I'd always struggle.  I knew I was addicted to food and I was terrified of leaving the rigidness of my program to go back to Weight Watchers where I could eat anything as long as I tracked.  Suddenly the chips I kept in the pantry to pack in Josh's lunches no longer seemed off limits and like something deliciously able to help me out of a dark, sad day. (Read more about this here.)

Today hasn't been bad, but there have been moments.  I found a family of black widows nesting outside our dining room window, my kids broke my favorite mug, and although it looks pretty cute they colored all over themselves with markers while I was on the phone with pest control.  By the time they went down for naps I knew I had two choices: 1) eat my feelings or 2) work out.  I had already worked out today, but I knew I could do it again and get positive endorphins and have time to think, be alone and decompress without shame and regret.

So onto the treadmill I went for 2 miles.  And in my 2 mile run I thought about this whole addiction thing.  I thought about how really, I still struggled and mostly what I was doing in that very moment was replacing addiction with another addiction.  I wasn't a fat woman sitting on her couch wishing to be thin, I was a healthy woman crying on her treadmill to not struggle with this anymore.  I thought back to sick days and how I sought comfort in things like a bowl of cereal (ok, two bowls) when I was out of points and asked Josh to bring me a burrito the size of my face.  I thought about how I'd pay for those decisions and the 6 days I couldn't exercise (not my choice) on the treadmill tomorrow and how much that sucked.

And it SEEMS like there are women in the world who just have it together in this.  They know what to eat, how to cope with things, how to exercise and they are happy and confident in their bodies.  And maybe I'll be there someday and I HOPE I can be, but right now I can be quite insecure in this body of mine because there's still all this struggle and the devil on my shoulder telling me "eat this, it will help!" and I feel the pull in my soul to the comfort of food.  And now, on my other shoulder, there's an advocate for a new addiction; a healthier addiction, but addiction no less.  They're saying "Work out! Obsess with your weight!  Weigh multiple times every day!"  And although I'm healthier in every way, I haven't achieved full mental health.

Knowing I haven't achieved full mental health is made clearer when I look in the mirror and still see 250lb Ashley.  Those days I often request people to take photos of me because it takes a photo to see I am not that person.

I'm at the point in my journey where I know it would behoove me greatly to see a Psychologist but that just isn't in our budget.  And I know for many of you who have the same struggles and have followed mine -- it's not in your budget either.

So, here I am.  Just working through things as always.  And always I know the route of all the things is to seek solace in Christ.  I know that I can turn to food or exercise or taking a photo of my body at every angle or yelling at my kids because I'm frustrated or a large Diet Coke from Sonic as a treat, but no matter what I turn to, if it's not Christ it's temporary.  A temporary runner's high.  A temporary satisfaction on my taste buds.  A VERY temporary solution to my kids fighting that just leads to deep regret and hurt feelings.  A temporary chemical treatment that is terrible for my body.  A temporary fix that just leads to more obsession and self absorption... None of it is eternal or lasting help.

So this is where I am.  I'm still working hard in what I eat and how active I am, but more than anything I'm still working VERY VERY VERY hard on the mental struggle.

As always, I'd love your thoughts and appreciate how supportive all of my online friends, real life friends and family has been.  I pray this isn't your struggle, but if it is, I hope I can help.

Consistency in Routine

So I thought I'd talk a little bit today about my routine.  I read once when I was 250lbs that people who tend to eat the same things often are thinner.  This makes a lot of sense to me because it seems like when I am presented with different options I am more likely to make the wrong decision... especially since I'm a) so close to my goal weight (166lbs!!!) and b) still learning to maintain a thinner weight!  The best weeks I've had with weightloss, good decision making, and feeling great has come from consistency and I just can't recommend it enough!

So here's my day's routine as far as eating/working out.

Morning - 

The first thing I do when I get into the kitchen every morning is fill my 32oz jug with ice and water.  I make it a rule that I must drink half that jug before exercising and the whole jug before my coffee.  Then while I'm drinking I cook 2 eggs.  I always try to have eggs in the morning because the protein keeps me full.  Sometimes I'll have one egg and a piece of 45 calorie bread toasted with a little light margarine or I'll make some bacon.  I used to always put cheese on my eggs.  I no longer do this because eggs are delicious when well seasoned so why waste the calories?  A few times a week I might eat 1 cup of Special K cereal or half a bagel, but never on days I'm running.  Those days I just want my protein fix!

If I'm running, I like to head out the door soon after breakfast so I don't lose my motivation.  I usually decide beforehand if I'm running distance or time.  These days I'm doing a 5 day a week cardio program with Josh so my runs are shorter just more as a way to keep at running and start my day off right.  I like to always go at least 15 minutes which is around 1.5 miles for me.

After runs or at some point in the morning I'll usually eat a banana or orange or if I'm cutting up a melon for the boys some melon.

Afternoon -

Pretty much every day I eat a turkey sandwich for lunch.  I love sandwiches and so does my family.  As a foursome we eat about 2lbs of lunchmeat a week and go through a whole bag of sliced cheese in that same amount of time.  I build my sandwich with two pieces of toasted 45 calorie bread, 2 oz of turkey, 1 slice of sharp cheddar and add mustard, spinach, tomato, pickles and red onion.  I like to do it up right.  I can't break the mentality that I need to eat something with my sandwich but I've learned it should NOT be chips.  Instead I eat baked cauliflower or fresh fruit (usually melon) alongside my sandwich.

Sometimes the kids and I are out running errands or hit the park around lunchtime.  If we eat lunch out, I try to always get a grilled chicken salad and a light vinegar based dressing which I try to only use half of.  I NEVER eat any croutons, nuts, or granola that comes with the salad as it can usually be more points than the whole salad!

If Josh and I are off on our days for our cardio DVD, I do my work out while the kids nap.  It's only 25 minutes so I can plow through it and still have some time to shower, clean, or unwind after.

Snack -

I love an apple in the afternoon.  Often my boys steal my apple so we usually end up cutting two.  Sometimes I eat Better 'N Peanut Butter with my apple.  Sometimes I also make a spinach smoothie in the afternoon especially after a workout.

Dinner -

Dinner is the most inconsistent time in my day, but I control what we eat because I cook.  I try to stick with the basic principles: lean protein, lots of veggies, limited carbs/starches.  I like to eat mostly produce, 3-5oz of protein, and I always make a pasta, mashed potatoes, or rice for my husband and kids which I sometimes eat in small quantities (like 1/4 - 1/3 cup) even though I should pass.

Snack -

After the kids are in bed I'll either watch TV with Josh and eat grapes or an orange or if we work out I'll probably also make a spinach smoothie if I haven't already.  Sometimes before bed if my family goes swimming or to play outside I'll have a low calorie popscicle.

And sometimes I do eat pizza or our family will go out to eat and the option I choose isn't salad.  When this happens I can usually plan ahead and make sure I eat very light and healthfully all day and then I still try to pump up produce.  For example, we went out for dinner with my in-laws last Friday and my husband and I decided to order a medium salad to share and a 10" pizza for our family to share instead of something bigger.  I filled up on salad and then let myself eat some pizza, but didn't overeat because I had already started the meal off right.  :)

So there you have it!  My day in eating.  I feel like I eat a lot, but mostly I try to keep all my snacking healthy and fresh.  I also should mention I try to drink 3 of those 32 oz jugs total in the day and allow myself 1-2 cans of Diet Coke a day (my vice I still let myself have).

So I'm curious, do you stay consistent in your eating routine?  What about your work outs?  Can you control yourself when you have many options at every meal?

Little (life) Updates

Hello, friends! No recipes (but did you see my 0 point spinach smoothie and 1 point cauliflower posts below?) today.  No dieting and personal health mental breakthroughs to share.  Just the marrow of life.

My oldest son was sick with strep throat two weeks ago.  It was a rough time!  I was squeezing in runs when I could and trying to make healthy choices while also requesting my husband bring home dinner every night because I could barely put my boy down to go to the bathroom let alone cook!  That is when I upped my spinach smoothie intake.  It left me full and knowing I had eaten my proper portions of healthy things when I got a cheeseburger or chicken noodle soup for dinner.

J's strep wore off but by the middle of last week I was feeling pretty bad.  I chalked it up to allergies and kept moving.  Josh and I started doing a cardio plan with DVDs last week and we powered through and it felt great!  I had Wednesday and Thursday off which was enjoyable!  I also lost 2.8lbs last week which was awesome!  That put me at 166lbs which is 1lb shy of my highest weight ever - when I was in my second pregnancy with E and 265lbs.  So even though there was a baby in me, I can almost say I've lost 100lbs!  And I'm 11lbs from Lifetime at Weight Watchers - yay!

Anyway, Friday night we went out for pizza with Josh's parents.  We planned to work out after, but I just felt too tired.  The next day we were busy all day and by the time I finished the kids' baths at 7pm I was spent.  I asked Josh if he cared if I laid down and he put on a movie for the kids.  He woke me up at 8 to help with bedtime and I had a 100* fever and a raw throat.  I took myself straight to the weekend clinic in our city the next morning and sure enough! Strep throat! I was happy to have Sunday to rest and have Josh take care of the kids and prayed my antibiotic would kick in by today (so far it's kicked in a bit, but I still don't feel great or 100%).

I haven't worked out since Tuesday which feels SO weird!  I miss working out so much and am so ready to feel better and get started again tomorrow!

Aside from all this sickness, my big guy has a 3rd birthday in a few weeks and a birthday party in less than 2!  I've been pinning away for a robot themed party and sent my invitations to family and friends last week.  I can't wait to blog about his party because I think it's all going to be so cute!  Once I'm feeling better we'll be hitting up Hobby Lobby and aside from working out my free time during naps will be spent crafting banners and robots and streamers galore!

And the weekend before last we did a little update to our guys' room!  We moved out the crib for good and put in a twin bed for J.  He picked Jake & the Neverland Pirates bedding.  Our boys coslept so even though E is 21 months, he sleeps in a toddler bed already.  It was a much easier transition than to a crib which I would really recommend!  Actually, I've been thinking lately I should write a whole post on how we coslept and how we transitioned because it was hard finding information and I've love to help you if that's where you are!

Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

Baked Cauliflower "Chips"

Just sharing a quick go to recipe I've been using lately (and by lately I mean 3-4 times a week) for baked cauliflower!  I conjured this up during my early "reentry" days when I knew I still wanted something salty alongside a sandwich but not chips (since then chips have become the devil to me and the treadmill and I have been getting cozy to counter my indulgence of them... and now the chips are in the trash can, btw).  I once claimed on Twitter this cauliflower tasted like popcorn.  I was kind of crazy when I said that as I hadn't had popcorn in, like, 4 months.  I've since had popcorn and no.  No, this is not popcorn.  But it's good!  And to me, it's better than a chip because it's actually filling, full of flavor, and great for my body!

Baked Cauliflower "chip" Florets:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Cut half a head of cauliflower into small floret pieces (think bite size).

Toss in 1-2tsp EVOO.

Toss in 1 tsp kosher salt

Toss in 1 tsp black pepper

Toss in 1 Tbs garlic powder

Toss in 1-2 Tbs paprika 

Bake for 5-7 minutes and then turn and bake another 5-7 minutes.

And that's it!  You may want to add more salt to the finished product (the raw salt tastes more chip like anyway) and possibly more pepper.

1tsp of EVOO is 1 Weight Watcher point so if you eat half a head of cauliflower with 2 tsp of EVOO you've had 2 points and your plate would have been full of yummy cauliflower as oppose to the 9 potato chips you counted out just sitting there looking dinky and unsatisfying.

Hope you enjoy this!  If you do or don't, I always love your feedback!

0 Point Fruit Smoothie & 0 Point Popsicles

So I see all these awesome spinach smoothies all over Pinterest.  And they look great and refreshing and like an awesome way to pump your body full of good things while enjoying a seemingly naughty, cold beverage.  The problem is they usually have yogurt or milk or almond milk or all kinds of things that have calories and points.  And while milk and yogurt are excellent sources of calcium, so is spinach and I don't want to waste 2-4 points on this snack.

So I found a solution!  Apple juice that is 1 point per serving!  It's Healthy Balance apple juice and I found it in a normal grocery store (with a great coupon no less).  A serving is 1 cup but unless you drink a whole lot of smoothie, you won't drink that!  Half a serving (1/2 cup) is 0 points!  Hallelujah!  We've found our liquid base for a 0 point smoothie!

Yesterday I mixed this same mix up in a small hand mixer.  I only used 1/2 a cup of the apple juice and drank all 14 oz of delicious goodness guilt free.  Today I used a full cup of the apple juice and took it to the big blender to mix up a great smoothie as a morning treat and make up some Popsicles for later.

Ingredients 
(For a doubled recipe - enough to make a smoothie & Popsicles.  Half this if you want to just have a 0 point smoothie or make Popsicles only!)
1 cup Healthy Balance apple juice
1/4 cup blueberries
10 strawberries
2 bananas
3-4 cups spinach leaves
4-5 cubes of ice

Pour apple juice into your blender.  Then toss in your raw ingredients.  Blend and pulse until smooth.  Add in your ice.  Blend until you don't hear the racket of the ice.  Pour into your Popsicle molds and enjoy the rest!

Let popsicles freeze 4-5 hours and enjoy in the hot sun while your kids play.  And MAYBE your kids will eat this too.  Mine didn't.  It's like they know the spinach is in there.  It's probably the color.  ;)

As always, I'd love your feedback if you tried this and liked it!  Have a happy, refreshing weekend!

Nesting: Chalkboard Menu

With all the weightloss going on lately, most of my free money has gone to a completely new wardrobe (an expensive, but good problem to have).  I haven't bought much for my home lately or even given it much consideration.

Well, last week when I took the kids to Hobby Lobby for markers and paper machete treasure chests for a "color-your-own-treasure-chest-while-Mommy-cleans-all-the-things" craft I got the nesting itch.  There were so many cute things!  I needed it all!

Lucky for me, I had some store credit I had been saving.  While it might have been thriftier to use the credit on these craft supplies, I opted for the more selfish route (and yet, was it selfish? Because everyone wins, really) and filled cart with, like, 4 things.

(paper chain is our Disney World countdown- yay!)

Then I came to my sense and put 3/4 things back and stuck with this red chalkboard.  Our dining room wall is still needing more and I knew it'd be perfect with the red accents in our other art and it would look good near our red dresser we keep in the dining room (as a catch all - bleh).

It was $25, but half off so for $12.50 I felt like a winner.

I brought that baby home, hung it up, and voila!  A little change that goes a long way.  My husband loves it because he's obsessed with knowing ahead of time what we're eating and now he has the menu!  Although, wives be warned: husbands can be quite disappointed if your veer off schedule when they were looking forward to something else all day (unless the change is you're ordering a pizza... they never mind that).

I love it and I love having made a little change towards homeyness.  The downside?  Now the nesting bug has got me in a choke hold and I'm looking around and everything I need to do project-wise and I want to do it all right now!  Hopefully this means more blog posts are forthcoming.

...More than anything else I'm DYING to break out the sewing machine and tackle making a King sized duvet (my husband and I have had a king bed 2 years now and STILL use our queen duvet!).  Anthropologie hack? Yes, please!  Found HERE.

Happy Monday!

Reentry (after an extreme, fast weightloss).

There's a lot of posts about what I've been doing you can go back and read but the quick synopsis is...

I did Weight Watchers for 14 months and lost 34lbs.  Then I gained some back.  I was 249.9 when I started Weight Watchers (3 months post partum with baby #2).  In March of this year I started a 14 week program where I received HCG/B vitamin injections and was on an 800 calorie a day diet of specific foods for 12 weeks.  I was under Doctor and Nutritionist supervision and met with a nurse at the weightloss clinic I went to weekly.  I lost 53lbs in 14 weeks.  I started weighing 222.9 (seriously with all the .9s!) and ended around 171.

Two weeks ago I rejoined Weight Watchers after ending my time on the HCG program.  Joining WW to get to 155lbs (my goal weight) and to lose these last 16lbs was always the plan.  I want to hit Lifetime there and I think Weight Watchers is the only diet you can do in real life and for the rest of your life.  I also love the support you get from real people be it the staff or other members.

SO... How have the last two weeks been?  I'm getting this question a lot and thought I'd answer here.

I was VERY anxiety ridden last week with my first week on Weight Watchers (although I had had one last HCG injection).  I was very careful my first week to follow the stabilization phase 2 plan my nutritionist laid out for me and limited carbs/starches to less than 15g a day (IE 2 pieces of 45 calorie bread).  I continued to eat mostly fruits and vegetables.  I enjoyed the reintroduction of olive oil to my foods and was thankful for cheese, yogurt, and sugar free popsicles.  With the change in diet, I upped my activity level from running 4-5 days a week for 1-2 miles to running 5-6 days a week from 1.5-3.5 miles.  I also increased day-to-day activities... getting out with the kids even more, swimming more, going places that demanded fitness on days I didn't run (the zoo, etc)... And that first week I lost 1lb on Weight Watchers and hit 169lbs!  I was thrilled as 169 was my 80lb mark and HEY I was in the ONE-SIXTIES.  It felt good.

I honestly had expected to gain that week, but I didn't and I was on top of the world!  Then this week happened...

I increased my carb intake slightly (following point counting more and being concerned with quality of food less).  I let myself eat a few ounces of red potatoes the same day I had bread on a sandwich but then I also started eating a few chips or rice cakes here and there.  I also let myself have two slices of pizza instead of one slice.  But that aside, I followed the Weight Watchers program.  I tracked all the things and only used 1 of my 49 extra points in the week.  I also earned activity points almost every day I used a few days, but not all of them and not every day.  I ran harder last week than I did in weeks past and I felt good aside from a bloated stomach (increased carbs).  I also took measurements and was down an inch in both legs and 1/2" in my arms.  But then I weighed today and I was up 1.4lbs!

I had expected that last week and it didn't happen so I had warm fuzzies about losing 1lb a week and the irony that it'd take me 14 weeks to lose the last 14lbs which is hilarious since it took me 14 weeks to get to a place to be able to say "I only have to lose 14 more pounds!"

I don't think my gain was true.  I weighed mid day after eating and drinking.  I also think my body is still figuring it all out in post.  My metabolism is firing up and trying to remember how to process the processed food.  I am still filling it with mostly good things (like 80-90%!) but now there's a few junky things here and there it's working to process... AND AND AND it was my first week without HCG.

But where did that leave me?  It left me a little bummed.  It left me disappointed.  I never wanted to see a gain again!  And instead of being strong and running out feelings or talking them out I ate a few too many rice cake chips tonight to take the edge off.  And although that's a former habit returning in the worst way, it didn't leave me with any kind of satisfaction but rather extreme frustration with myself and a new resolve for tomorrow.  Because I DID NOT go backwards, I just had a weird week.  That was something I expected.  I expected a month of maintaining while I figured it out.  SO WHY was I freaking out over it?  Why was I eating these rice cake chips?

The thing about coming off the diet is that there's a little of a invincibility complex.  You just shed 53lbs because you were awesome and had the will power of a beast and you did this thing!  And you changed so much outside and inside so maybe you're just changed alltogether, right?  Maybe you can now eat all the things and just stay skinny?!  And then you have a moment like this and you remember "I cannot lose my will ever.  This is an every day for the rest of my life journey and I have to take control EVERY SINGLE DAY."

And although that's a little exhausting, it's just reality.  Every single day a former smoker or alcoholic decides not to smoke or drink knowing one drink will cause another and another and another and you'll be drunk on the floor by day's end completely relapsed.  And maybe it won't be a full relapse... maybe it'll just be that one night, but still... you'll suffer the consequences and feel like crap inside and outside.

So what have a learned in this reentry season?

1) Processed food is hard on the body.  I've literally had a stomach ache every single day I've been not eating the healthful diet I had before (lean protein, fruits, vegetables).  Some days the stomach ache is mild like pregnancy and some days it's horrible and I feel like I'll throw up.  That's been a hard, hard thing and I hope it goes away soon.  And if you're like, "then why do it?!" ...I'm doing it (in small quantities USUALLY) because in life I'll have the option to eat things and I always want to know I have a choice.  There will be birthday cakes and vacations and all these things and I want to know I can eat a salted caramel when we go to Disney World in September without having a stomach ache.  Do I need the whole square?  No.  I should split it with my family and will.  But do I want it and is something like that ok in moderation?  YES.

2) Working out daily matters.  Days I don't work out in any form I am weakest.  I want to eat more; I choose worse things (I only ate chips the two days I didn't run last week and then today which I also didn't run on).  Even if it's push ups at nap time it'll motivate me to do better.

3) Eliminating chaos still matters.  I realized this early on in the diet.  Chaos was a trigger that caused me to want to cope with my drug of choice: food.  Right now my home is in extreme disarray and instead of cleaning I've tried to keep getting out of the house which is good, but always a little stressful with toddlers and the problem is we're always coming home to a messy house they make messier.  Tomorrow we planned to be at the zoo, but I have decided we will spend the morning home cleaning and just doing one quick grocery trip before Josh's parents come into town.  I'll feel better having done it!

4) I have to be obsessed.  Josh asked me lately what consumed me now that food didn't; what was my "drug" now that I didn't have food.  I answered a few days later saying the success of it all... the accomplishing weight goals, the seeing before and after pics, the measuring, the rush of trying on a size small top and size 8 shorts and those things fitting... the buying size 10s at J Crew... all of that is a rush. And to stay there I do things like weigh daily multiple times and still measure food and try to be so aware and so careful.  I also make my running a priority.  I take the me time now in that way.  It is vital and no longer do I feel awkward asking for time; I expect it.  And I know that sounds kind of bad, but my husband is so supportive and all in all it's good he has that 20-40 minutes in the mornings with just the kids while I do my thing to clear my head and start the day on the best possible note.

5) Your resolve will weaken.  My didn't the first week, but week 2, I started to weaken.  And that sucked.  Seeing myself make a bad choice tonight makes me know I am still a person who struggles with this.  Do I believe I'll ever let myself get back to 250 or 220 or 200 or 180?  NO.  I don't believe I'll ever be that person again, but I know that I'll always struggle with abusing food and that I'm not immune to failure in this capacity.  

So that's kind of how I'm doing.  After the great rice cake chip debacle tonight and in preparations for July 4th (which is mostly grilling and fruit so that's not too worrisome!) I've already pre determined tomorrow I'll start the day running and I'll follow a strict regiment of healthier food options.  Lean protein, fruits, veggies.  I plan to skip the carbs and the sugar and maybe even the dairy.  I may even just have to spend my weekend doing this little detox too.

Bottom line?  There is SO much learning.  Learning about my body and what I can and cannot eat and how to handle emotions and food and what to not buy as a snack because I might abuse it (ahem, rice cake chips).  I'll get the hang of it and I'm still crossing my fingers I can be down 2lbs next week and get back to the .5lb-1lb a week average!  My greatest hope is to hit lifetime by E's birthday which is 10/15.  I was 265lbs the day he was born and I'd love to be 155lbs the day he turns 2!  Two years and 110lbs later.

I can still do this!