What's next?

My scale broke a few weeks ago.  I was addicted to weighing myself at home before that.  Every. Single. Morning. And often throughout the day.  It wasn't a lifelong addiction, but rather one that came from this 12 week diet.  So this last week when I went to my Doctor's office not knowing how the scale would read I was 10x more exhilarated with my number than I would have been otherwise.  Which is great because... it was 179lbs.

My first Weight Watchers weigh in of doom and destiny in December 2011 was 249lbs.  It stung, but it also had a ring of hope and "I can do this."  And my first weigh in on this diet in March 2013 was 223lbs.  I've come a long way.  70lbs.  Holy cow, 70lbs!

It's always hardest to start, you know?  Those first few days of limitation and rigidness and embracing a new lifestyle while standing in the shadow of an old one suck.  You start at -0 and that is tough because you want to see the fruit of your labor right now and know it'll all work out and be great.

(Parenting is that same way sometimes!)

But now, here I am with 9 days to go on this program.  Single digits.  82 days done, 9 to go.  Has it been 82 days?  82 days since I've had anything aside from lean protein, fresh veggies and fruit?  I guess that means I'm detoxed from the carbs and sugar...

But in 10 days, I get to have carbs and sugar.  In small quantities but it becomes allowed and recommended as I move from a rigid program to a stabilizing program that will help my body and metabolism adjust to being "normal" and then I transition back to Weight Watchers to lose these last 24lbs along the way.

And honestly, I'm very terrified.  When one goes from eating 800 calories to 1000 calories and then 1300 calories, the concern is, "Even though I'm eating less than a normal woman, I'm still eating more than my body is used to... how will I not gain weight or plateau?"

And all this learning along the way?  The learning about my addiction and inability to cope and finding new ways to cope and break addiction and not lean on food... that's all been easier because I'm boxed in.  I have these strict guidelines of "eat this, not that, no other options."  And that makes it easier.

But in 10 days, I can have a small piece of chocolate.  I can eat a piece of cheese.  And in 24 days, I can eat a slice of pizza or have a cupcake as long as I track it... How do I maintain control?

I know I can do it.  I know the will power and mentality I've developed in this process can last and take me through this new chapter in the journey to lose the last 20 or so pounds, but in a lot of ways, it feels like day 1, -0.  I feel like I'm standing in the shadow of a rigid lifestyle and I'm anxious because a whole new realm is opened to me and I don't know what it will all look like in another 12 weeks.  What mental battles will I engage in?  Will I be tempted and fail?  What will I have lost?

My feelings are unresolved which seems to make this post unresolved and very much fall into the "just write" category, but I guess I'm holding on to these lessons I've learned and clinging to a strong voice yelling inside of me, "YOU'VE CHANGED.  You're different now!  You run.  You like it.  You eat healthy.  You like it.  You say you don't ever want more than 1 slice of pizza with your veggies; embrace that!"  And I believe that voice can lead the way.

...And this is probably what it feels like to have any addiction and leave rehab.  Empowered, but terrified.

victorious moments

With only two weeks left to go on my 84 days of 800 calories and extremely limited eating options, I've to a place of reflection on the journey.

My greatest hope and desire in this was to do more than lose weight and help push myself closer to my goal at an accelerated and more intense "you-are-doing-this!" rate.  My hope was to overcome and breakdown myself and my psychological problems in relation to food.  The binge eating.  The using food to cope.  The addiction...

And I've been happy to chronicle bits and pieces here.  It's refreshing to be honest and admitting to my demons actually makes the whole thing less shameful and more liberating and elevates me to a place that makes me feel in control and powerful to stand up against myself and my weaknesses.

So in light of sharing, I want to share a victory.

I had a very bad weekend a few weeks ago. I wrote about it a bit.  It was when I realized I couldn't cope without using food to self-medicate.  I was left in a fit of tears and frustration and confusion wondering where I needed to go from here.  Did I need to see someone?  Take something?  Was I forever chained to this way of life?  To being overweight?

It had been weeks since I really had a bad, bad moment where I would need to breakdown (which is something in and of itself), but Monday night was difficult.  It had been a great, fantastic day with the kids but the bedtime routine took two hours and toward the end the frustration and the ending a great day with yelling and unpleasantries and frustration on everyone's part instead of on the high note of a good day got to me.  I told Josh I needed to walk away and went to our bathroom and cried.  It was a good 10 minute cry and time spent alone that I desperately needed in the moment.  When I was collected, I rejoined my husband and we finally got our youngest to sleep.  When we left the room I let myself get lost in a great book until I finished.

The next day I realized I had coped on my own and I had never once thought about food.  My escape route was solitude and tears and then I powered through until I could be in solitude once again and then unplug and check out.  I don't believe that was the end all moment of the struggle but it was a very defining moment in my life.  I coped like a normal person without addiction and I was ok and better because of it.  And I DID NOT THINK OF USING FOOD.  Huge.

Also in the last several weeks I've started running.  I always said I'd never run.  I hated it.  Hated sweating.  Hated being beat red.  Felt bored during the process and always had the opposite of endorphins and got extremely angry and irritable when hitting the pavement.  But not now.  Now I feel empowered by how I can stretch myself and what I can do and that time of solitude to think and pray and resolve how to be the best Mom and wife I can be that day is invaluable.  I look forward to my 5 days a week I run and the 2 days I do a long, full body work out.  I mentioned above it had been many weeks since I'd had an emotional meltdown and I think running is largely contributed.  In fact, between break downs we got some potentially terrible news that was extremely worrisome (all is fine now) and instead of it breaking me, I just ran and thought and prayed.

14 days isn't long, but 14 days doesn't signify the end of this.  It really just marks the beginning.  As foods are slowly reintroduced and calories are increased so is temptation and old demons on my shoulder whispering temptation into my ear.  My prayer is that all this work and soul searching and leaning on God to heal me of this addiction and brokenness will last and last and He will sustain me through it all, forevermore.

0 Point Pasta

Well in the last 61 days I haven't posted many recipes because let's be honest, when you eat 10oz of lean protein, 7oz of veggies, 2 pieces of fruit, and an egg every day there's just not a lot to write home about in your cooking.  BUT after 61 days you get bored with your food and there are days you're desperate to find delicious.  In the last few weeks I feel I've mastered two DELICIOUS 0 point vegetables.  Later this week I'll give you my mushroom recipe, but today I want to share this delicious 0 point pasta.

Now I want to disclaimer this before I dive into the recipe... I haven't eaten pasta in 61 days (or any carbs aside from two very delicious times I took communion) so my tastebuds are very much like, "HEY THIS IS DELICIOUS!" To be fair, I was expecting to make something fresh and full of flavor NOT creamy and heavy, so my expectations were satisfied.  This recipe is husband approved as having a lot of great flavor and not leaving you feeling sleepy and heavy like you would be after eating buttery pasta.  The toddlers, however, did not approve this recipe and were NOT fooled by spaghetti squash.  I found this very disappointing as I'm trying all sorts of trickery in getting them on board the healthy train too (But flax seed sprinkled all over things?  THAT works!).

Ingredients
Spaghetti squash
Fat Free/Low Sodium Chicken Broth
Dried parsley
Dried basil
Dried oregano
Garlic powder
Pepper
Mushrooms
Roma tomato

Start by preheating your oven to 375* and quarter your spaghetti squash while you're waiting (it will be a light arm work out cutting the thing).  Scrape out the seeds and pulp and place quarters on a baking sheet.  Bake 30 minutes.  Once the spaghetti squash are done baking, take a spoon and scrape with mild-moderate pressure going lengthwise down the quarter squash.  Place noodles into a bowl.

Next, pour 1/3 cup fat free chicken broth into a skillet over medium heat.  Let broth come to a simmer.  While waiting chop up some mushrooms and a roma tomato (cherry tomatoes were tested and proved to be too sweet and they're what you're seeing in most of these photos FYI) and toss them into the simmering broth.  Sprinkle with garlic powder, pepper, basil, oregano and parsley.  ...When it comes to veggies and seasonings, use what you like.  Everyone is different when it comes to flavor.  For me, I use very few mushrooms and tomatoes because I can only use 3.5oz of vegetables total in the whole pasta.  When I end this diet and switch to back to Weight Watchers, I'd make a BIG bowl of this stuff.  I also use a healthy amount of garlic powder, pepper, basil and oregano when sprinkling the veggies but not very much parsley.

Let the veggies simmer about 5 minutes or until the liquid is absorbed.  Add another 1/3-1/2 cup chicken broth depending on how many of the noodles you decide to cook.  Dump in your desired amount of noodles, sprinkle again with garlic powder and stir.  Let simmer on medium heat about 10 minutes (or until liquid is absorbed - whatever comes first).

And that's it!  I've eaten this pasta with grilled steak and grilled chicken.  It was delicious with both and both tasted great mixed in with it too.  This dish is completely guilt free (you can eat the whole spaghetti squash!), packed with flavor, fresh, and delicious!

If you don't eat the whole spaghetti squash, I recommend making a little "grab bag" with your measured noodles, tomato and mushrooms (tomato and mushrooms on top!).  The next day when you want more you can just do the same process by grabbing the tomatoes and mushrooms to throw them into the broth and repeat the whole recipe.  I've tested this and it works great.  I did not test cooking it all and reheating the final product, but I can't imagine that would taste as fresh and delicious when microwaved.

So there you have it! If you try this, please comment and let me know what you think! :)

I have an addiction (that I am overcoming).

It was a doozy of a Tuesday.  My husband was home sick and I took it upon myself to leave him the house for three hours while I went out with the kids.  We had a nice time at Target and picnicking at the park, but my boys are trouble and some parks with giant ravines and cliffs beyond the playground seem to beckon them to run away from Mommy and explore.  And that's fine enough except for when they're on opposite sides of the playground and I can't see if the 18 month old is about to go through a playground opening while the 2.5 year old is attempting to scale a 12' rock (seriously).  Stressful.

We got home and Josh was feeling better and more stable and agreed to watch J while E napped and I had some treadmill time.  I typically work out during naps now but the door is always open, only one earbud is ever in, and I'm racing the clock deciding if I should go longer or shower before my time is up.  I felt empowered by closing the doors and putting in both buds and opting for music instead of Netflix.

And in the empowerment I shifted the scales.  After a good 10 minutes of walking at a brisk pace I found my fingers sliding over to the increase button and I increased the pace to a 4.2.  I can't walk at a 4.2.  It was time to jog.

So I set about it.  One foot up, one foot down, and Matt Kearney singing, "Hey, Mama, don't want no drama..." into my brain as I figured the jogging thing out.  As it was happening, I began to breathe deeper.  I began to sweat.  Really sweat.  I began to feel my heart beat faster and my lungs both tighten and expand all at one time.  And it was liberating!

Friends, in my previous life before this life change I was 249lbs.  When I started Weight Watchers I walked BARELY at a 2.5 pace for 20-30 minutes and felt like I was dying.  As time went on I would burst out of the room when finished beaming with pride to my husband saying things like, "I just jogged for TWO minutes!"  And back then, that was something!  That mattered!  Those were my days 0 and 1 and 2 and 15 of a very, very long and hard journey.  And when I see that big 'ole girl on in my head jogging 2 minutes and beaming with pride I'm so very proud of her.

But now I see what's in front of me.  I see a 181lb woman who has worked and cried and wrestled with food addiction and weight and fought tooth and nail to get to this place.  And I thought about this as I ran.  I thought about being the person who hated sweat and exercise and was embarrassed about how my face turns beet red as I work  hard.  I thought about how I still feel like the fat 249lb woman when I'm out and about and then I see photos of myself and double take.

...I thought about the mental struggles and wars and darkness that comes from overcoming addiction.  I remembered the night all too recently where I was overcome with emotion and stress and wanted a burrito so badly I was crying and literally shutting down emotionally.  I thought about the long talk my husband and I had in post about where I said the deepest, darkest fears and truths in my soul regarding weightloss...

...I use food to cope with emotions.
...I always have.
...Is this normal?
...How can I learn to cope in other ways without food?
...Am I a depressed person who should look into counseling and medication since I've been self medicating all this time?
...I am in bondage to food and I am winning, but sometimes it haunts me and gets me and makes me feel so small and weak.
...I have an addiction.

And so I ran.  And ran.  For 21 minutes.  And I thought of all these thoughts initially and then like a music video my mind flipped a switch and I pictured myself not sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing because the day was bad and I didn't know how to cope without self-medicating on chips or chocolate or toast or anything I could get my hands on... I saw myself RUNNING.  Running for 15 minutes!  Longer than I ever had run!  I saw strong legs and a woman who had worked hard and made good decisions.  I saw bondage and chains of silence and fear and shame in the eating alone and in secret shattered by the truth I shared about my shortcomings and pain and addiction.

I felt like Samson.

I haven't reached my goal.  I need to weigh 155lbs to be a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers and being a Lifetime member is so important to me.  I'll always have the tools to track and I'll always NEED the tools to track.  I'll be able to go to meetings which are almost like AA meetings for this kind of addiction and that boost and comradary is invaluable. I also have more fitness goals.  Someday I'd like to run a half marathon but mostly I'd like to know I can jog a good 3 miles at any given point.  And I'd like to get faster and tighten up the tummy being pregnant for 18 months in 23 months gave me.  But I'm progressing.  Bit by piece, piece by piece.  I'm finding peace where I previously felt chaos.  I'm learning to cope without stuffing my face.  I'm finding the value in a healthy lifestyle and in choosing that.

If you're here reading it's maybe just because you support me and my journey and I thank you for that.  But you also might be reading because you're on a journey.  I don't know where you are.  Maybe you're jogging 2 minutes and doing a celebratory happy dance.  If so, keep on keeping on!  Two minutes is better than no minutes and I'm proud of you for trying!  Maybe you are here because you're addicted to food and binge eat to cope with your problems.  If so, I feel you, I really, truly do.  It's so hard to have an addiction that is both shamefully private and blatantly public since you wear your shame in your dress size.  If that is your struggle, I encourage you to help yourself in whatever way you can.  For me that's become writing and getting out of the house and talking to my husband.  Eventually I may need more.  Eventually I may need counseling or medication and that's ok!  Just take one step in helping yourself wether it's a letter to you about how you're hurting yourself or if it's telling your spouse or a friend the hard truths and the pain deep inside.  Whoever loves you will help you.  And you should love yourself and get help too.