Made New

A few months ago, many bloggers were talking about "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst.  I bought the book hoping it'd help me journey through the murky, unpleasant waters of Motherhood and help me when I lose it and yell at my kids.  I thought maybe the book would give me a magic potion to make me suddenly better and the perfect, non-yelling Mom all the time.  After all, raising children is more about raising great adults than good kids and the last thing I want is creating a yelling, explode-when-angry cycle when it comes to my boys.  So, naturally, after buying the book and feeling great about how much it would help me, I waited a few months to read it.  First world problems.

I picked it up again this weekend and delved in.  I'm 5 chapters deep and have learned a lot about dealing with those moments when I come "Unglued" and angry not only with my children (who I explode on) but also with my husband and friends and other family and strangers (who I tend to internalize frustration with).  So, yah, great book to help with that!

BUT before I got to the good stuff where we journey into what kind of unglued we are and how to get past it and find grace in Christ's redemption, I read this whole chapter about how we are prisoners to ourselves and our labels and in light of this journey I'm on with my bondage to food and finding freedom from the chains of being overweight and seeking refuge in a cheeseburger this chapter meant a lot to me.

One portion that particularly stood out to me was this quote, "I'd resigned myself to the lie that I would forever be enslaved to my emotions.  And I spoke to myself in ways I'd never let another person speak to me." (Unglued, pg 34)

Smack in the face!  As someone who struggles with binge eating, I believed before I decided to try to loose these chains that I'd forever and always be a slave to eating when emotional.  Bad day?  Stay up later than everyone to eat all the things in secret.  Yelling at the kids?  Eat a handful of flavorless goldfish for the momentary comfort they provided.  And then after a binge?  There's shame.  Such shame.  And depression and sadness and hurtful thoughts and words and failure and brokenness and I spoke to myself in ways I wouldn't let others speak to me indeed.

A few paragraphs later Lysa says, "I labeled myself as a mess and resigned myself to forever being a mess." (Unglued, pg 34)

I did too.  After being successful on Weight Watchers for a season, I felt crippled under the weight of this binge eating.  That I couldn't get past it.  That this was me.  And that was me forever.  That no matter how thin I could get eventually, I'd always have hang ups when things got rough or sad because I would go back to these ways.  As Lysa so eloquently states, "A soul who believes she can't leave... doesn't." (Unglued, pg 34) And so for 4 months I sat there binging and believing I couldn't change.  That this was my sad life I didn't want but it was who I was.  And there was hurt in my soul and sadness and brokenness inside me.

And then there was a breakthrough.  I started this new diet that would require intensity and strip me of my ability to use food as a coping mechanism for 12 weeks.  I knew that 12 weeks would go quickly and the goal would be quickly achieved, but in the end I would still have work to do inside.  That desire to binge eat and seek food would always live deep in my rotten places and rear it's ugly head.  And I've been scared and prayerful and desperately seeking God throughout this journey as I try to analyze myself and the WHY do I do this and HOW can I stop and slowly, but surely change myself on the inside while I'm being changed on the outside.

The nail was hit on the head for me once more in this chapter when Lysa said, "God is chiseling us, making us new, releasing us from our hard places - those places that make us feel so stinkin' defeated - so we can do good works." (Unglued, pg 39)

After reading that passage I felt differently.  Yes, I know my struggle to binge eat will be there.  It's my greatest sin and my sin nature will never go away while I live here on this earth, BUT GOD can make me new.  He is making me new now.  He is refining me in this process and helping me through the hard places so I can be made new in Him and no longer feel the defeat of binging and eating and seeking comfort in these places.  And it's not for me.  It's not so I feel better inside about how I've changed mentally or externally, it's for Him and His glory.  My story is one about overcoming addiction because of His grace and mercy and leading me through the hard place and making me new.

...And just as I look as Motherhood and parenting as a role given to me by God for His glory, so is my life.  It's all for His glory even something that seems trivial like weight and body image and not binge eating anymore.

Because of these new revelations, I feel a weight lifted knowing that through this journey God is working on me.  How could I forget that?  I also feel a new burden to use this journey and these experiences and lessoned learned to glorify and honor Him.  My story (and your story -- all our stories!) is relevant and matters and I was put here for a reason.  I don't know if my journey will help 1 person or 10 people or 100 people.  I don't know if it will just help me and my family for the new life and chance I've been given as I've been released by grace from bondage or it will extend beyond that... but I know it matters.  It all matters because I matter to Him.  And even that -- remembering that I matter to HIM - He who created me from dust... that's enough to muscle on and dig deeper and believe that the chains are breaking daily and it's all because of Him.