You Don't Have to Live Like This

When Josh and I were engaged we drove to Dallas to hear Rob Bell speak on his "The God's Aren't Angry" tour.  It was so, so, so good and moving.  A BASIC synopsis of the message is that in all of history there have been gods among all the people and all these gods require sacrifice but when Jesus came, He flipped the switch and was the first god who didn't want to take; He was a God who wanted to give.  To the extent, obviously, He gave Himself and became the sacrifice so that we could receive salvation.

At the end of the message, Rob says he was talking with a friend about all that was happening in the friend's life.  His to do list.  Expectations put on him.  His own personal standard.  The general crushing weight of being human and living life and feeling like we could always be doing better.  And Rob just reminds his friend over and over, "You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this…"

And we don't have to live like this, you know?  Because we're free.  We're set free.  We were in bondage to sin and now we are made free in Him.

I posted this picture to my Instagram this morning and as soon as I saw it that phrase just came into my head and has been living there all day, "You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this…"  The thing about my journey is that I was in bondage and a slave to food.  You know that if you've read awhile or maybe now you're hearing it for the first time, but it's the truth.  Although life was very good for the many years I spent as a morbidly obese woman (loving husband, healthy and beautiful kids…), I was not my best and I was addicted to food and using it cope with feelings I couldn't face in a healthy normal way.  Food was my drug.  Food was my salvation.  Food was my destruction.

And now it's been 11 months of being the same weight.  11 months of maintenance and only going up a few pounds and then seeing myself go back down those same few pounds.  Never climbing back up and up and up into the 200s and that's good.  But BETTER is that it's been over a year since I sat in my bedroom sobbing and crying and broken because I was trying to cope with an emotion without food and couldn't.  Those early scenes of learning to be mentally healthy in my relationship with food remind me of a film strip where an addict is trying to get clean.  Cranky. Irritable.  Irrational.  Exhausted.  Sweating.  Hopeless.  Sobbing.

…You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to live like this…

Everyone's struggle is different.  Everyone has a different vice.  For me, it was food.  For you it could be food.  Or something else.  Anything.  But the truth is there is freedom in breaking the chains of addiction.  We weren't made to be these half shells of ourselves roaming the world broken and wishing we could be better, unable to be better.  We were made for thriving and freedom and glory.  Am I perfect now?  No.  Do I still fail?  Occasionally.  But I know now that I am worth more than my feelings.  I am worth more than who I become when I lose control.  I wanted to get better because I didn't want to live like that.  I wanted to get better because I craved freedom (more than I craved food). I wanted to get better because I didn't want to raise my kids in a home where a parent faced addiction and an inability to properly cope.  I wanted to get better because I wanted a marriage where I KNEW I was attractive to my husband and didn't doubt it.  I wanted to get better because I wanted to feel confident being around other women.  I wanted to get better because I wanted to wear clothes that were cute.  I wanted to get better because my body is a temple.  I wanted to get better because the Voice inside me whispered softly day after day, year after year, "You don't have to live like this. I've set you free."

You can be better.   You don't have to live like this.  You are set free.