This is a hard topic to tackle for me, but something I felt should definitely be addressed so if the writing is messy and choppy and non-cohesive, I apologize. And now with that little disclaimer, let's begin.
Beginning a weightloss journey is hard for anyone no matter how much they have to lose. For someone needing to drop 10-15lbs, it's hard because maybe it's the first time in their whole life they've ever had to pay attention to nutrition labels and calories in vs. calories burned. For someone who is like me, it's overwhelming because you stand on a scale and think, "I need to lose 100lbs," and that is just overwhelming to the 10th degree. And then the diet starts and you're restricted in whatever way to certain foods or a certain amount of food and you may start an exercise regime you weren't ready for and you just want to sit on your couch and eat the popcorn and the cookies and the ice cream and the toast and anything else you can find in your house that is edible.
Not all people know this feeling. My husband, for example, has never struggled with being overweight. He's dieted twice in our marriage (and in his life for that matter) and both times it was to lose 5lbs to firm up his "love handles" and both times the weight was gone in a matter of days. He has seen me go through this journey and understands the depth of my emotions, but he'll never identify with where I've come from. Just like a husband can be extremely present at the birth of his child but he'll never know the intensity of pushing a human that's inside of you outside of you or how painful that is. And that's ok... I don't have to know what it feels like to carry the weight of supporting 3 other humans every day as I drive away from my family for 9-10 hours. We each have our own hurdles we face.
But if you're a person facing a hurdle with weight, let me tell you, I've been there. Most of my life I've been there. I was 250lbs when I started Weight Watchers 18 months ago after having my second baby, E. Before I got pregnant with my first, J, I was 205lbs (after dieting down from 215lbs). When I got married I was 185lbs. When I met Josh and graduated from high school I was 195lbs. The summer I was dating Josh I was about 160-170lbs (constantly climbing back up to 195). The smallest I ever remember being was in 6th grade. I was 125lbs and I got there from dieting for at least half the school year. And then the diet ended and I gained weight and I know in 9th grade I was 145lbs.
And there's psychology in all this weightloss stuff. Lately I've been walking around telling people that this journey has been incredible and hard but it's been harder mentally than anything else. And I don't necessarily mean it's been harder mentally because I'm willing myself out of eating one of my kids' goldfish, I mean it's harder mentally because we I was 223lbs and breaking down because Weight Watchers was working but I had plateaued and I needed a way to get moving or I was going to lose my mind and Josh and I agreed in taking this route with the HCG/AMP plan at my Nutritionist's office, I told him and everyone around me that this would NEVER work unless I got my head right.
In the course of this diet I learned so much when I peeled back layers of myself (HA, literally) and got to the heart of the problems. I learned I was addicted to food. I learned I was a binge eater... I ate under pressure or sadness or in anxiety ridden situations. I also usually ate in secret, was numb while eating, had no sense of fullness, would hide all evidences of a binge, and felt deep shame and regret in post. And I know I've done this since High School. Binge eating is an eating disorder just like anorexia because the person who struggles has both an unhealthy mind and an unhealthy relationship with food.
Around the halfway point of my 14 week diet journey I had an extreme mental breakdown where I thought I may be entering a dark depression and in those days I realized that all this time I've used food as a coping mechanism. I've self medicated emotion with food and now that I couldn't diagnose my pain or problems with my drug, I was unable to cope in a healthy, normal way. This was devastating and I wondered if I needed to see someone or take something. I talked through things A LOT with people around me hoping to stay honest in my communication and therefore honest in my heart of hearts. I also started running around this time which is something the old Ashley would admit ardently she hated and would never do.
Slowly I found that exercise and activity in any form helped alleviate pressure and emotion and did indeed release happy endorphins that helped me function more clearly. Rough morning with the kids? Spend 20 minutes working out during naps. Bad afternoon? Get outside and play. Rough early morning? Make a plan and get out of the house.
I learned quickly that there were other ways to cope besides food... structure, orderliness, getting out of the house, exercise... all these things helped me find a release from stress or anxiety outside of food. And it was important to find something else I could use.
On the night before my last day of this diet I got on the treadmill. All week I had said, "I will run 3 miles this week" and I was running out of time. This night, I said, "I will," and so I did. The whole 40 minute run I thought through my life as it relates to food and diet. I thought about how as children we are given a food when we're sad or acting out or as a peace offering (I do this with my kids too and the cycle goes on). I thought about dieting when I was so young and not that big to begin with (which isn't something I blame my parents on... I don't know how I would handle the same situation... seeing a child start to gain weight... so sensitive!). I thought about how it felt to be in middle school and done growing while my 4'11" 80lb friends ate all the cookies and ice cream and pizza at slumber parties they wanted and I knew even then I couldn't do that and how unfair that seemed. I thought about success I had with losing weight early on in high school, but how overall in high school I let myself get treated horribly. I thought about horrible relationships that left me feeling smaller than small and defiled and how in the end of all that, I gained. And I gained. And I gained. Because at a certain point in my history I no longer wanted to be thin psychologically. I needed weight as a defense and if any man wanted to like me it would be for me deep down at the core of who I was and not because I looked good.
...And all that led to a deep, rich spiritual journey at a young age that left me believing that God was enough and to stop seeking affirmation elsewhere anyway because no one else's mattered. And I fell in love with Jesus then. And then a little while later, I met Josh. And ironically, I met him when I was 195lbs but about to start an extreme (and unhealthy) diet where I'd lose 40lbs in 8 weeks. And despite me being big, he fell in love with the core of who I was and then I shrunk and shrunk and shrunk. And then it changed. I got skinny and was dating this great guy and we had the best summer of FUN. We went out every night and got dinner and walked around the lake or went to bookstores or found swings to swing on or walked around the mall... but I was more focused on that than dieting and I honestly believed because I had changed so much outside I was just changed. I wasn't a fat girl inside anymore and so I could just do what I wanted. I did an extreme thing like I've done now, but I didn't do any of the inside work to prepare me for how to be that skinny woman then. And when I got married and gained 30lbs within 8 months? That was just being comfortable. And selfish.
So I thought through this story of mine while running... the seasons of weight.
...The frustration with having to learn weightloss early on. And I let it go.
...The desire for attention I had when younger. And I let it go.
...The shame and dirtiness that came from a bad relationship and weight put on as a defense. And I let that go (and that one was hard to let go).
...The telling myself I was happy being fat because Jesus loved me and so would someone else if they really got to know me. The lies I believed to stay fat because even if I was happy in what I ate and in my soul, I wasn't confident and I wasn't my best self. And I let that go.
...The frustration I felt toward 18 year old Ashley who worked hard to lose a lot of weight and then did NOTHING to keep it off and inside climbed and climbed and climbed up the scales. And I forgave myself and let that go.
...The weight gain in pregnancy. All my doing. You don't HAVE to gain 55lbs in your first pregnancy unless you eat all the chips. And I forgave myself and let that go (and felt excited about a healthier pregnancy someday later).
...The way weight hindered my marriage. I forgave myself (& Josh) for that and let it go.
And I felt fresh and new because this emotional weight we hold onto holds us down, man. When we peel back all the layers we see an iron fist gripping our hearts and all I see when I look through the fingers is the me who I want to be choking and flailing and trying to get free of that grip and start anew. And when you can work through it all... when you can delve into your past and think about "why am I this way" and answer the hard questions and do the emotional work you can get to that point and you can forgive yourself and others for why you are the way you are and then you can JUST. LET. GO.
Just like that I felt new. I felt released. I felt the chains and the bondage of someone who was addicted to food and who binge ate to cope with excess emotion dropped. I felt free and healed and whole which I didn't think was possible even 4 weeks ago when I told people, "I'll always struggle with food!"
With a half mile left on that 3.1 mile run and with the chains under my feet mentally I struggled to push and make it to my goal. I yelled encouragement at myself and finally, in that last 10th of a mile, for whatever reason I started yelling, "250! 80lbs gone! You were 250lbs!!! 80lbs are gone! She is not you! You are new! 250! 80!" and then I hit 3.1 and stopped the treadmill and sobbed uncontrollably until my husband came in to find me a mess on the treadmill standing there weeping.
People ask me if I'm nervous about these last 14lbs and transitioning off the HCG plan back to Weight Watchers. The answer is still yes. I worry about the science of food and eating new things like 1 starch a day and poly and mono saturated fats... I worry about a slight caloric increase and try to make sense of how I could still lose when increasing my calories... BUT I used to worry that I'd go backwards. That I'd have a bad day and eat all the things or I'd be at the grocery store with my kids and they'd be done with their cookie and I'd without thinking shove it in my mouth... I'm not worried about that stuff anymore. I know my struggle will always be real and will always haunt me but mostly I know I've overcome. I believe now 1000% I will never be back there. Sure, I'll get pregnant again (and again maybe) and have to lose weight, but I'll never be back there. This will never be self-imposed again. I'm committed to being healthy my whole life. And when I say I'm committed to health I mean mentally JUST as much as physically because the mental wellness is the most important of all.
And I share ALL of this with you because if you're about to diet and especially if you're about to lose a lot of weight, please, get to the heart of it. Get inside your head. See someone, have a friend you can be open with, journal extensively (I did this) or do all of the above! Find a way to figure it out. Because if you can't figure out why or how you got here or what is keeping you there, you're going to have a hard time making a lasting change. And the same can be said for any dieter... if you're begrudgingly starting a diet and aren't excited and ready to change your life, wait or seek more motivation. I'm seriousness. I've gone into diets SO many times half-heartedly and have lost a bit, flounder, failed, and gained it all back. And failure feels awful. It feels more awful than your current weight. So if you're going to do it, try to really do it. Try to get to that headspace where you believe and understand and know that this is for you inside and out and your complete wellness is worth it.
And can I just say I hope you'll try? I feel alive. I feel like a new person. Physically I am wearing 10s and Mediums and I used to squeeze in 18s and XLs. Physically I can run 3 miles and enjoy it. Physically I can keep up with my kids and play outside in the heat of the day. Physically I'm enjoying summer for the first time despite the heat. And inside I'm enjoying life. I'm more vibrant. I'm more engaged. I'm more active. I'm more aware. I'm more fun. There is so much to gain by losing. Your weight or food addiction or binge eating do not have to hold you back. You can overcome.
