It's been awhile since I've been here talking about weight, dieting, my mentality in it all... It's been mostly Disney World this and Disney World that which is great, but I'm taking a break today to just talk about weightier things (hilarious, right?).
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Weightloss has been REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me since I stopped HCG. I regret (yes, REGRET) not tacking 4 more weeks onto my plan to lose the last 10lbs I needed to to reach my goal. I wanted to finish with Weight Watchers. I was ready to go at it on my own. I couldn't pay another chunk of money to keep going. The timing worked out to finish since I started the stabalizing plan the day after Josh's Grandpa passed away and we left for California and that was SIGNIFICANTLY easier to do than the HCG program would have been while traveling. SO I shouldn't regret it. The decision was right. But losing these 10, no, now 15lbs in post has been so hard!!!
The first few weeks I pretty much maintained and gained a little. I expected that because I immediately started eating more Weight Watchers and less clean. Then I lost. I started Weight Watchers at 170 and got down to 164 within a few months (just in time for our anniversary). 9lbs to go! And then at 16 weeks into Weight Watchers when I finished my first book, I was 170. So in the course of 16 weeks I basically lost and gained 6lbs thus becoming great at maintaining 170lbs. That sucked. And guess what? After 16 weeks I could have afforded that last 4 weeks of HCG. I was paying the same amount and not hitting lifetime as quickly as I thought I would. SUPER disappointing.
So last week I was more intentional in my workouts. I had done running and T25 until we bought a coffee table on our anniversary trip. Since stopping T25 I upped my running game a ton, but my arms and stomach are flabbier because they're not being faithfully worked. It felt good to work up a plan in my head to target these areas in addition to daily running. I also stopped eating carbs 2 days in the week to balance out 2 days I didn't track points in the week. It worked and I got back to 169lbs.
There's still SO many good and positive changes in my life because of what I did. I have to remember that. I'm a runner now. I'm running a 5k in 30 days with my sister and I'm running a half in the OKC Memorial marathon. I've learned I LOVE distance running and each week I look forward to a long Saturday run (I'm training for the half by adding a half mile each Saturday to my distance - I hit 7 this last week!). I used to hate running and couldn't do it and didn't try. Now I can run without stopping 1 hour and 17 minutes. That blows my mind!
I've learned to make healthier eating decisions. I've learned balance. If I spend a day eating junk, I need to spend the next two days eating well. I've learned how to maintain a weight for a long period of time. These are all good, good, good things! These are all things that indicate I've changed and even though I "held" 170lbs, I did HOLD 170lbs and then start going back down and I'm not on my way back to 250lbs.
And yet... I'm still 15lbs from my goal. I'd like to lose 20 more pounds. Then I will have lost 100lbs! I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my current mental hang ups are with all of this. Why am I content to maintain and not lose? Because I am really, really content. Except for feeling devastated when I hit 170 (my panic weight), I've been fine with the little gains and losses the last several months. I think there are a lot of reasons...
We're talking about if we should try for baby 3 this next year (my IUD "expires" next December) and at this point I know I could reach a goal and not have a long time to sit there before I get pregnant. The same applies to goals. If I reached mine I'd be a size 8/S and would need another new wardrobe again and I feel bad spending more money on clothes and then outgrowing them when pregnant... Just a lot of hypothetical mental talk. I also feel if I can master maintaining this weight, I'll do better gaining less weight while pregnant. My Mom pointed out though that if I gain 30lbs at 150, I'll end at 180, but if I gain 30lbs at 170 I'll end at 200. Well I NEVER want to see 200 again even when pregnant!!!
I'm also telling myself I'm enjoying this phase. And I am! I worked hard to get here! I feel pretty confident in my body (aside from my stomach flab) and am just enjoying shopping and that 10s fit and Mediums fit... I feel good! When you feel good about yourself and have peace in who you are and not in the number, it's hard to find motivation to keep going.
At this weight, I can maintain and pretty much still enjoy eating. I can have big meals or slurge and recover and just enjoy eating without thinking too much. I'm honestly not utilizing Weight Watchers AT ALL except to weigh in each week. I'm rarely tracking and I'm not going to meetings. That's the truth. So I know at this weight I just have it figured out. Losing requires being restrictive again and I'm just enjoying for once eating how I want to while still being "small."
And speaking of Weight Watchers... I've learned an important thing about my relationship with diets. When I'm on HCG or when I'm with a Nutritionist or doing something extremely rigid with strong accountability and financial commitment, I am great at thriving. My money is on the line. My options are few. I'm in this thing. Because I've been on Weight Watchers so many times and failed or because I know I can eat technically whatever I want as long as I track and the focus is more on points tracking than healthy choices (in my mind), I just don't succeed as much. ...Or those are my excuses to not succeed as much. I'd really like to try Advocare but don't have the money to shell out for that right now.
So where does that leave me? I DO want to lose. I want to achieve my goal. I've come SO far so why the mental hang ups? Why stop. I've lost EIGHTY POUNDS!!!! EIGHTY! But I'm only 20lbs away from losing ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. And that was the goal. So I'm doing my very best to mentally engage back into a losing mentality. I'm trying to make good decisions. I'm trying to balance out clean eating days number for number with bad eating days (3 for this week). I'm debating doing clean eating the next 30 days so I can detox and shrink and lose before the 5k/Thanksgiving/the holidays. And I'm working out. There was a short season I had a hard time finding any motivation (after vacation), but now I'm back at it. I've ran the last four days. Today I only had 15 minutes but I laced up and did it because I knew it would help me mentally as I worked through the rest of my day. I'm engaging. I'm trying. I WANT to do this. I want to want to do this.
Are you here? Have you lost weight, but you're stuck? Are you mentally content with maintaining a great weight, but know you have more to lose to reach your ultimate goal. My friend, we are selling ourselves short. We might be great and feel great, but we could be better. 20lbs on me will make a huge difference. It didn't from 250 to 230, but it will from 169 to 149. I hope you can find new motivation too! Especially now before the holidays since it's the American way to gain! Thanks for listening!
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