Feelings on Running Almost a Year Later

Inhale. Exhale. Focus on the beat. Adjust pace to the beat. Inhale. Exhale.

It's been almost a year since I ran my first mile.  It took 16 minutes but that didn't matter. I was so proud.  So accomplished.  So elated.  In fact, I'd take the measure of that moment and put it in the top 10 most proud moments of my life.

And now, almost a year later, I'm chained to a running schedule.  I remember when I did my first 5k on the treadmill.  It took me something like 41 minutes or so, but again I just was so proud and couldn't believe I finished.  I did what any rational person shouldn't do upon finishing such a feat while being riddled with endorphins and took to social media declaring I decided to run the OKC Memorial Half Marathon.  I'm glad I did this because HELLO accountability.  And hello goal.  I knew I'd need a goal that would require pushing myself especially once the weightloss process was concluded (or stale) and I needed to keep pushing for fitness and health and weight maintenance.

So bit by bit I've trained.  In the summer I pushed myself with my distance.  I got comfortable running 3 miles and then when fall rolled around I started adding in some long run days and doing some distance. 4 miles. 5 miles. 6 miles.  I felt incredible.  Before Thanksgiving I set a record and ran 8 miles and then before Christmas I ran 10.  It felt awesome.  Then I spent the winter months attempting one long run every week but taking the rest of the week to cross train.  It was too cold or not light enough in my available hours to hit the pavement and run.  I fell in love with weight lifting and HIIT work outs and even doing intervals on the treadmill.  But I really, really started hating my running.  I hated that my only run day was long run day and I felt full of anxiety in the 12 hours before the run knowing I was setting out to do daunting work - 8 miles, 9 miles, 10 miles… inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. It's all mental. Don't stop.  But this is SO MUCH.

I started talking to runners about how I felt.  Runners like my father-in-law who'd done one half marathon himself (and not necessarily runners like my sister-in-law who does Iron Man and Ultra training).  Everyone I talked to said because I was at 10 I'd do fine!  Not to stress and not to let myself burn out.  Because I was burning out.  I was hating run.  So I took a few weeks off and just focused on diet.

Then I realized I was 6 weeks to the race.  Six weeks to this goal I had set for myself in regards to what I wanted to accomplish.  And I wanted to do it well and I wanted to do it right and more than speed or anything else I wanted to feel comfortable.  So, two weeks ago I woke up and Googled training schedules and settled into a plan.  I ran 7 miles that day and spent my first week ever focused only on running and not just running for the sake of release or exercise but running x amount of miles on certain days with certain intention and no wavering.  By my last run of the week (4 miles) before my big run I just really felt like I was hating running again.  I felt chained to the schedule and set out that evening for my run just wondering how it would feel to be done with this and not have all these miles to reach before race day.

This last weekend I ran 9 miles with  my sister-in-law.  It was our first time to run together and when my distance pace is more like 11 minute miles and she can run 16 miles at an 8 and a half mile pace you feel a little nervous going into it.  But the run turned out really great.  I didn't have to stop in all 9 miles to walk and my pace was 10:35 which was made sweeter by the fact my pace in mile 8 was 10:02 and in mile 9 was 9:49.  It was a good run.  And sometimes it takes a good run to make you remember why you love running.  Why you do this.

So while I do still feel overwhelmed with all the miles left to run... and how in the world can I get 5 miles in today and take an hour for myself for running 2 different days this week PLUS another hour and a half on Saturday, I know I can do it.  It helps to have a supportive husband and kids who think I'm so cool for running.  It helps knowing I am fulfilling a goal.  A BIG goal.  To know I'm pushing myself to do something most people don't.

But honestly, I won't race again (with the exception of one day hopefully running in a run disney half or full marathon).  I am looking forward to this race and finishing but the distance has been hard on my body and the schedule has taken a lot of pleasure out of the running and I don't want to burn out.  After this race I look forward to knowing I can go run 4 days a week for 2-4 miles no problem and still run 5-6 on days I have more time (like Saturday) and not have pain the next day.  It feels good to know I have this and after the race I can run what I want.  And I will keep running.  But the days of starting a Saturday attempting to run 8+ miles will be behind me (you know, unless there's like cake planned for the day or something ;).) for now.

I love stretching myself and fulfilling goals, but I also love knowing myself.  And I know myself now well enough to know that I do love running but I also love weight lifting and cross training and moving forward from this race I look forward to approaching life in a well-rounded way.  And I look forward to dieting a bit again.  With all this training I don't have energy to detox.  My body is adjusted to what kinds of foods I'm eating so if I were to cut carbs or sugar it would take my body at least a month to pull from fat stores instead of energy stores during the detox period and I've seen my pace really suffer from that.  So in May it'll be nice to still work out but also be able to focus on diet again and hopefully shake these last 10-15lbs.

I know it's been awhile since I've updated and that this update is really all about running and my feelings, but now you know!  This is where I am, this is life.