Why did I yell?

Yesterday was a Monday going well.  The boys and I had a quiet morning playing and accomplishing chores.  We even tried hot chocolate (they hated it!) and tried to watch Elf (they hated it!) and eventually ventured out to our backyard where they discovered dirt and played in it as long as they could before they had to come in for baths.  They got so, so dirty.  They were the epitome of little boys.  And then there were naps and finally it was time to cook dinner and that's when things went south...

J (who is 2 and 4 months) wanted attention I couldn't give him the moment he wanted it and had been feeling a little defiant since he woke up any way (testing me here, pushing his brother there, coloring chairs... 2-year-old stuff).  So, unbeknownst to me he climbed onto the table and threw all the apples out of a fruit bowl I love and recently bought myself (I had even waited until it was on clearance) and then dropped it on the floor either accidentally or on purpose.  I heard the shatter and ran the 10 feet from the kitchen sink to where he was to see what happened.

You know when you know your kid has done something wrong and has no remorse or awareness?  And you know that moment where you have to decide how to punish and your reaction?  And do you know or remember when you had your first child and it was all testing what works and learning how patient you could be?  Well, I had that moment.  I weighed out that J seems unaffected by spanking and even time outs most of the time and I decided to just unleash my inner frustration and yell because it seemed logic and I knew if I yelled he'd at least hear me (so logical, right?).  So I yelled because I was mad and hurt and mad and I yelled a lot and loudly about WHY did he do that and Mommy LOVED that and how he HURT my feelings and with every word he shrunk lower and lower.  I was only a few seconds into the yelling when his face dropped, he buried his head and he started sobbing.  And consequently so did I.  I felt horrible and was laced with regret and remorse and WHY did I do that? I loved him more than that stupid bowl and I just hurt him.

And so I held him and he cried and I told him I was sorry for yelling and that I loved him and I asked him why he broke the bowl and he didn't answer because he still is too young to understand these things probably and finally I asked him to help me make the salad because I knew that would make him happy.

I texted my Mom and talked to Josh about it that night.  They both agreed I was right to discipline and while maybe I overreacted, he needed to know Mommy is a human too and you can't hurt people because you're mad.  And they're right, but I'm right too in that I did it all wrong.

So now here I am.  I have a 2-year-old boy who's in the thick of wanting his way and learning defiance and developing his own will and I have to figure out how to navigate through these waters without losing my head.

I went to breakfast with my Dad today and we talked about parenting.  We talked about how the toddler years are hard but how it gets harder because new challenges come up.  Sure, you get through the diaper stage and the not knowing how to puke in the toilet phase and the bed wetting, but you move into new challenges and that's just how it is.  Parenting is hard and it takes 18 years and sometimes it takes until the 17th or 18th year to feel like you've even done anything right.  Raising a human is hard.

So I shared this today because maybe raising a human was hard for you too today or it will be tomorrow or next week.  And maybe you'll yell.  And maybe you'll make your toddler cry and feel guilty and feel like you shouldn't feel guilty and this will encourage you because you're not alone.  And someone else doesn't have it figured it out either, but hey, we're all in this together and going through it right now.  This is a season.