Messy Motherhood: Encouragement

I'm happy to take a break from writing about food or parties and essentially the things I've been doing to REALLY talk about the thing I live to do: Motherhood.

Did you read Kara's 31 days of Messy Motherhood (she actually stuck it out all 31 days in October unlike me!)?  If not, you should.  It won't take long, but you'll be encouraged.  I know I sure was (go here to read) and sometimes her words and encouragement hit the nail on the head for me.  I think the most encouraging thing in the world is finding out you are not alone in ____.  One day, that was reading that I was not alone in going days without a shower.  Another day, that was reading that what I was doing was important because it's so easy for it to feel unimportant.  Another day, it was a reminder everyone's house looks as terrible as mine.  See?  Encouragement.

So, at the end of her 31 days, I was excited to hear Kara was doing a link up each month to continue the encouragement.  I wanted to be a part of the series because like her, I feel so deeply for Moms in this season of life (or any season, really, this is just the season I know) at home each day with babies and toddlers and diaper changes and counting practice and beautiful monotony that is the shaping of little minds and hearts.

That being said, here's my answers to the questions Kara posted this month on encouragement.

1. What is the best way you've been encouraged as a Mom?

Having friends who are real with me and also in the trenches.  This season is hard and it was made harder when I spent most of last year having two under two.  I have plenty of friends I can chat with, but there are a few who I can really dive deep with in real life or on social media and those friendships are invaluable.  CS Lewis (who our first born is named for!) said that friendship is defined as, "What? You too?" and I totally agree.  The women who have blessed me so much are the ones who are open and honest about their dirty houses, their frustrations, their struggles with feeling lonely or isolated or anxious or angry or whatever!  Those friends who are real with me allow me to open up and express my slew of emotions and then when those emotions are uncovered, I'm a better Mom and wife.  If there were no conversations with loved ones who also KNOW what I'm going through on a certain day, it's likely I'd end that day feeling like an even worse Mom and wife for losing my temper and being disconnected.  I'm thankful for you, my friends, who do life in a real way side by side with these boys of mine and me and help keep me sane.  Thank you!

2. How can you encourage a Mom who's been through the ringer? (bed rest, sick kids, tough home life, etc)

Honestly?  I don't know.  I wish I did because I have people I wish I could be better at encouraging who are in these situations.  I never know what to do, if I'm doing enough or if I'm trying to do too much and am being overly involved and an unwelcome presence.  That being said, my go to way to help a Mom friend in need are...

- Make a meal or two (one to eat tonight, one to freeze for later).
- Send snail mail.  Who doesn't love pretty mail and it's amazing how a little card can lift someone's spirits!
- Offer to babysit their kids even if it's just for an hour so they can take a nap, meet their husband for lunch, or go to the grocery store alone.
- Get a small gift card for the Mom to treat herself.  Maybe you'd love to go for coffee but she's occupied with whatever.  Why not send her a $5 Starbucks gift card so she can pick up a cup when she's out and about and think of you.
- Prayers.  It seems the least effective outreach on paper, but it matters and I have had plenty of days where a text from a good friend saying she's praying for me has been such a blessing and I've known if not for her prayers, I wouldn't have made it through the day.  Recently I weaned my baby and I got a text from my Aunt saying she was praying for me and I responded to tell her how hard E was having it even in that moment.  She immediately responded that she was now praying for him and as soon as I read her text, he fell asleep for the first time all day.  Prayer is powerful and moments like that where you see it work you feel so very blessed that someone would take the time to pray for you.

3. Encouragement starts at home. How do you and your husband encourage one another?

My husband is great about reminding me that I'm a good Mom, wife, cook, etc.  Those words of affirmation are important to me and help keep me going.  He's also good about not complaining too much if the house is in disarray for several days when he knows we've had a tough week.  I personally like to have it clean because I feel better when it's clean and I feel like he deserves that after a hard day, but when I let myself down it's always good to know I haven't let him down.  Likewise, I try to thank my husband for working so hard so I can stay home and live my dream job.  It's all about perspective even on those rough days!  I talk to him about how good of a Dad he is and thank him for being such a wonderful husband.  We make time to spend together each night which is refreshing and fun and causing us to reconnect (we also frequently exchange shoulder rubs or back scratching - yay!).  And more recently, we've taken up not only praying for each other, but letting each other know we're praying for each other especially if we know the other has a particularly rough day ahead.  It means the world to get a text about how proud he is of me and how he's praying for me especially because I know he's SO busy at work and I appreciate him taking time out just to think of me and tell me these things on his mind and heart.

.......

And one more thing... Something I try to do (and don't always succeed at) is to not judge other Moms.  We all make different decisions about how we raise our kids and these decisions are usually always wrestled through and prayed over and they're what we believe are right for our families.  Some Moms cosleep.  Some Moms have their babies cry it out.  Some Moms let their kids do this or that or eat this or that and a slew of other things.  I get so sad and frustrated when I see the "Mommy Wars" because there is no way to tear another Mother down faster than offer your unsolicited opinion of something she has obviously thought out.  We're all different and it's because we were all raised differently.  Likewise, we are all raising our kids differently to see them become individual themselves as adults.  The best encouragement advice I can give is try, try, try not to judge and instead to love.  Feel free to talk about what you do but don't feel like talking about your differences means you need to comment on what your Mom friend is doing differently.  ;)