I have an addiction (that I am overcoming).

It was a doozy of a Tuesday.  My husband was home sick and I took it upon myself to leave him the house for three hours while I went out with the kids.  We had a nice time at Target and picnicking at the park, but my boys are trouble and some parks with giant ravines and cliffs beyond the playground seem to beckon them to run away from Mommy and explore.  And that's fine enough except for when they're on opposite sides of the playground and I can't see if the 18 month old is about to go through a playground opening while the 2.5 year old is attempting to scale a 12' rock (seriously).  Stressful.

We got home and Josh was feeling better and more stable and agreed to watch J while E napped and I had some treadmill time.  I typically work out during naps now but the door is always open, only one earbud is ever in, and I'm racing the clock deciding if I should go longer or shower before my time is up.  I felt empowered by closing the doors and putting in both buds and opting for music instead of Netflix.

And in the empowerment I shifted the scales.  After a good 10 minutes of walking at a brisk pace I found my fingers sliding over to the increase button and I increased the pace to a 4.2.  I can't walk at a 4.2.  It was time to jog.

So I set about it.  One foot up, one foot down, and Matt Kearney singing, "Hey, Mama, don't want no drama..." into my brain as I figured the jogging thing out.  As it was happening, I began to breathe deeper.  I began to sweat.  Really sweat.  I began to feel my heart beat faster and my lungs both tighten and expand all at one time.  And it was liberating!

Friends, in my previous life before this life change I was 249lbs.  When I started Weight Watchers I walked BARELY at a 2.5 pace for 20-30 minutes and felt like I was dying.  As time went on I would burst out of the room when finished beaming with pride to my husband saying things like, "I just jogged for TWO minutes!"  And back then, that was something!  That mattered!  Those were my days 0 and 1 and 2 and 15 of a very, very long and hard journey.  And when I see that big 'ole girl on in my head jogging 2 minutes and beaming with pride I'm so very proud of her.

But now I see what's in front of me.  I see a 181lb woman who has worked and cried and wrestled with food addiction and weight and fought tooth and nail to get to this place.  And I thought about this as I ran.  I thought about being the person who hated sweat and exercise and was embarrassed about how my face turns beet red as I work  hard.  I thought about how I still feel like the fat 249lb woman when I'm out and about and then I see photos of myself and double take.

...I thought about the mental struggles and wars and darkness that comes from overcoming addiction.  I remembered the night all too recently where I was overcome with emotion and stress and wanted a burrito so badly I was crying and literally shutting down emotionally.  I thought about the long talk my husband and I had in post about where I said the deepest, darkest fears and truths in my soul regarding weightloss...

...I use food to cope with emotions.
...I always have.
...Is this normal?
...How can I learn to cope in other ways without food?
...Am I a depressed person who should look into counseling and medication since I've been self medicating all this time?
...I am in bondage to food and I am winning, but sometimes it haunts me and gets me and makes me feel so small and weak.
...I have an addiction.

And so I ran.  And ran.  For 21 minutes.  And I thought of all these thoughts initially and then like a music video my mind flipped a switch and I pictured myself not sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing because the day was bad and I didn't know how to cope without self-medicating on chips or chocolate or toast or anything I could get my hands on... I saw myself RUNNING.  Running for 15 minutes!  Longer than I ever had run!  I saw strong legs and a woman who had worked hard and made good decisions.  I saw bondage and chains of silence and fear and shame in the eating alone and in secret shattered by the truth I shared about my shortcomings and pain and addiction.

I felt like Samson.

I haven't reached my goal.  I need to weigh 155lbs to be a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers and being a Lifetime member is so important to me.  I'll always have the tools to track and I'll always NEED the tools to track.  I'll be able to go to meetings which are almost like AA meetings for this kind of addiction and that boost and comradary is invaluable. I also have more fitness goals.  Someday I'd like to run a half marathon but mostly I'd like to know I can jog a good 3 miles at any given point.  And I'd like to get faster and tighten up the tummy being pregnant for 18 months in 23 months gave me.  But I'm progressing.  Bit by piece, piece by piece.  I'm finding peace where I previously felt chaos.  I'm learning to cope without stuffing my face.  I'm finding the value in a healthy lifestyle and in choosing that.

If you're here reading it's maybe just because you support me and my journey and I thank you for that.  But you also might be reading because you're on a journey.  I don't know where you are.  Maybe you're jogging 2 minutes and doing a celebratory happy dance.  If so, keep on keeping on!  Two minutes is better than no minutes and I'm proud of you for trying!  Maybe you are here because you're addicted to food and binge eat to cope with your problems.  If so, I feel you, I really, truly do.  It's so hard to have an addiction that is both shamefully private and blatantly public since you wear your shame in your dress size.  If that is your struggle, I encourage you to help yourself in whatever way you can.  For me that's become writing and getting out of the house and talking to my husband.  Eventually I may need more.  Eventually I may need counseling or medication and that's ok!  Just take one step in helping yourself wether it's a letter to you about how you're hurting yourself or if it's telling your spouse or a friend the hard truths and the pain deep inside.  Whoever loves you will help you.  And you should love yourself and get help too.