victorious moments

With only two weeks left to go on my 84 days of 800 calories and extremely limited eating options, I've to a place of reflection on the journey.

My greatest hope and desire in this was to do more than lose weight and help push myself closer to my goal at an accelerated and more intense "you-are-doing-this!" rate.  My hope was to overcome and breakdown myself and my psychological problems in relation to food.  The binge eating.  The using food to cope.  The addiction...

And I've been happy to chronicle bits and pieces here.  It's refreshing to be honest and admitting to my demons actually makes the whole thing less shameful and more liberating and elevates me to a place that makes me feel in control and powerful to stand up against myself and my weaknesses.

So in light of sharing, I want to share a victory.

I had a very bad weekend a few weeks ago. I wrote about it a bit.  It was when I realized I couldn't cope without using food to self-medicate.  I was left in a fit of tears and frustration and confusion wondering where I needed to go from here.  Did I need to see someone?  Take something?  Was I forever chained to this way of life?  To being overweight?

It had been weeks since I really had a bad, bad moment where I would need to breakdown (which is something in and of itself), but Monday night was difficult.  It had been a great, fantastic day with the kids but the bedtime routine took two hours and toward the end the frustration and the ending a great day with yelling and unpleasantries and frustration on everyone's part instead of on the high note of a good day got to me.  I told Josh I needed to walk away and went to our bathroom and cried.  It was a good 10 minute cry and time spent alone that I desperately needed in the moment.  When I was collected, I rejoined my husband and we finally got our youngest to sleep.  When we left the room I let myself get lost in a great book until I finished.

The next day I realized I had coped on my own and I had never once thought about food.  My escape route was solitude and tears and then I powered through until I could be in solitude once again and then unplug and check out.  I don't believe that was the end all moment of the struggle but it was a very defining moment in my life.  I coped like a normal person without addiction and I was ok and better because of it.  And I DID NOT THINK OF USING FOOD.  Huge.

Also in the last several weeks I've started running.  I always said I'd never run.  I hated it.  Hated sweating.  Hated being beat red.  Felt bored during the process and always had the opposite of endorphins and got extremely angry and irritable when hitting the pavement.  But not now.  Now I feel empowered by how I can stretch myself and what I can do and that time of solitude to think and pray and resolve how to be the best Mom and wife I can be that day is invaluable.  I look forward to my 5 days a week I run and the 2 days I do a long, full body work out.  I mentioned above it had been many weeks since I'd had an emotional meltdown and I think running is largely contributed.  In fact, between break downs we got some potentially terrible news that was extremely worrisome (all is fine now) and instead of it breaking me, I just ran and thought and prayed.

14 days isn't long, but 14 days doesn't signify the end of this.  It really just marks the beginning.  As foods are slowly reintroduced and calories are increased so is temptation and old demons on my shoulder whispering temptation into my ear.  My prayer is that all this work and soul searching and leaning on God to heal me of this addiction and brokenness will last and last and He will sustain me through it all, forevermore.