What's next?

My scale broke a few weeks ago.  I was addicted to weighing myself at home before that.  Every. Single. Morning. And often throughout the day.  It wasn't a lifelong addiction, but rather one that came from this 12 week diet.  So this last week when I went to my Doctor's office not knowing how the scale would read I was 10x more exhilarated with my number than I would have been otherwise.  Which is great because... it was 179lbs.

My first Weight Watchers weigh in of doom and destiny in December 2011 was 249lbs.  It stung, but it also had a ring of hope and "I can do this."  And my first weigh in on this diet in March 2013 was 223lbs.  I've come a long way.  70lbs.  Holy cow, 70lbs!

It's always hardest to start, you know?  Those first few days of limitation and rigidness and embracing a new lifestyle while standing in the shadow of an old one suck.  You start at -0 and that is tough because you want to see the fruit of your labor right now and know it'll all work out and be great.

(Parenting is that same way sometimes!)

But now, here I am with 9 days to go on this program.  Single digits.  82 days done, 9 to go.  Has it been 82 days?  82 days since I've had anything aside from lean protein, fresh veggies and fruit?  I guess that means I'm detoxed from the carbs and sugar...

But in 10 days, I get to have carbs and sugar.  In small quantities but it becomes allowed and recommended as I move from a rigid program to a stabilizing program that will help my body and metabolism adjust to being "normal" and then I transition back to Weight Watchers to lose these last 24lbs along the way.

And honestly, I'm very terrified.  When one goes from eating 800 calories to 1000 calories and then 1300 calories, the concern is, "Even though I'm eating less than a normal woman, I'm still eating more than my body is used to... how will I not gain weight or plateau?"

And all this learning along the way?  The learning about my addiction and inability to cope and finding new ways to cope and break addiction and not lean on food... that's all been easier because I'm boxed in.  I have these strict guidelines of "eat this, not that, no other options."  And that makes it easier.

But in 10 days, I can have a small piece of chocolate.  I can eat a piece of cheese.  And in 24 days, I can eat a slice of pizza or have a cupcake as long as I track it... How do I maintain control?

I know I can do it.  I know the will power and mentality I've developed in this process can last and take me through this new chapter in the journey to lose the last 20 or so pounds, but in a lot of ways, it feels like day 1, -0.  I feel like I'm standing in the shadow of a rigid lifestyle and I'm anxious because a whole new realm is opened to me and I don't know what it will all look like in another 12 weeks.  What mental battles will I engage in?  Will I be tempted and fail?  What will I have lost?

My feelings are unresolved which seems to make this post unresolved and very much fall into the "just write" category, but I guess I'm holding on to these lessons I've learned and clinging to a strong voice yelling inside of me, "YOU'VE CHANGED.  You're different now!  You run.  You like it.  You eat healthy.  You like it.  You say you don't ever want more than 1 slice of pizza with your veggies; embrace that!"  And I believe that voice can lead the way.

...And this is probably what it feels like to have any addiction and leave rehab.  Empowered, but terrified.