What I want to tell Her

This is what I want to tell her.  [The her who is me, then.]

I know your heart because it's my heart.  I know that you are full of personality and confident socially.  I know you do well meeting new people and that you are not shy.  I know that you are funny and smart and capable of carrying a good conversation.  I know you want friends and community because you're a new Mom and you're lonely (and so is every other Mom, just so you know) and that if you really tried to get out there (and you did) and just be yourself, people would like you!  They'd enjoy a conversation with you.

….But you don't want to go out.  You don't want to socialize.  You can and you will because you have to.  It's polite to talk because with the Mom next to you at the Chick Fil A playground, but you are shy (even though you're not) because you've lost your confidence.  All you see in you is how you are 250lbs.  Sure you have two babies on your hip (literally, both practically BABIES since they're so close in age), but you know you just KNOW deep down that you're still being judged.  Your a bad person because you're fat.  You're a bad Mother because you're fat.  You were cruel to them in utero because you wanted to eat ice cream and jalepeno chips to your heart's content.  So you clam up and you isolate yourself and you're lonely and so you turn to that good old friend.  Food.

I know you're not happy with your inability to be active.  I know it embarrasses you when you come out from a walk on the treadmill for only 20 minutes at a 2.5 pace with no incline caked in sweat.  I know you don't want your husband (who's worked out as long as you've known him) watch you work out because you're jiggly and awkward and it's embarrassing.  It shouldn't be because he chose you, he loves you, but it is.  You think you HATE running.  You've tried it before and clam up and get so angry.  You hate being sweaty because your face turns bright red and kids in Elementary school (when you were kind of chubby) asked "ARE YOU DYING!?" because your wee bit of Irish blood is routed in the veins of your face and lights up when you work out.  So you don't.  You hate sweat, you hate your red face, you hate it all.  You HATE working out.

…But it will become your lifeline.  When you stop turning to food when you feel sad or lonely or depressed or bored, you will start turning to fitness.  One day when you are strong in your resolve in dieting you will decide to try to jog awhile on the treadmill.  And you'll jog more and more and more until you are BEAT RED and sweaty but you just ran your first full mile! Sure it took you 16 minutes, but you did and you are PROUD.  You run out to tell your husband who celebrates with you.  There's no more shame in being seen by him on the treadmill or doing burpees or lunges or planks or squats because this is FUN and the sweat feels good and your body is changing. And a good run?  A good run clears your head and turns around your attitude more than the numb, mindless eating that came with a binge ever did.  You love working out.  YOU ARE A RUNNER.  (You ran 8.5 miles just today!) And you run in public where everyone can see!  There's no more shame or embarrassment least of all over a little (LOT) of sweat and a red face.

I know you think you're pretty.  You have nice hair and a pretty face.  But you don't really think you're attractive.  You are intimidated by all the other women.  It shouldn't matter.  It should matter who you are on the inside not the outside, but you don't always feel pretty on the inside either.  You feel like a liar when you go on a binge and hide the secret shame of what you've eaten deep in the trash can and don't speak a word and then are "surprised" when you gain weight that week because "I just don't know what happened!"  You feel trapped in a war with yourself you can't win.  You have a problem.  A psychological problem.  You need help.  You know this and your husband knows this and your excuses don't matter anymore because even though "it's expensive" or "it's time away from the kids and my family" the reality is you are not healthy.  Mentally or physically.  You're under the false pretense that every other woman has it together.  Especially the skinny ones.  You never assume they lost copious amounts of weight and have their own battles.  You just want to be them, but you can't.  And you feel like you'll never get there.  You feel HOPELESS.

…You made it!  You got there!  You're 10lbs away from losing 100lbs.  You are confident in your appearance.  You are more than just a pretty hair and a nice face.  You enjoy shopping for clothes!  You love shopping and all the girly things you hated before because you worked hard to get here!

…And you feel good on the inside.  That's what's most important.  You don't feel like a liar.  You feel raw and honest and it hurts sometimes to say things like, "I can't run for 3 days because I'm in a bad head space and I know I'll have a break down emotionally that will probably lead to me eating all of the things," but the thing is that's ok!  You have succeeded so much just in that you know yourself.  You know your triggers.  You are HONEST with yourself and others.  You don't binge and when you do (because you will always struggle with this mental problem of needing food to cope) you don't hide and you bounce right back.  You've found other ways (healthy ways!) to deal with grief or depression or loneliness or boredom and you are not at war with yourself 95% of the time.  It took a lot of work.  It takes work almost every day and sometimes it requires you to leave your kids and family for an hour and a half so you can run or to let the kids play by themselves so you can clean every surface but you are BETTER FOR THEM.  You are a GOOD Mom.  You are a GOOD wife.  Because you take care of yourself.  That matters.  It matters a lot.

So to the Ashley who I know from Christmas 2011 post-baby and just getting started.  The Ashley overwhelmed at the daunting 100lbs she has to lose.  I know it seems daunting.  I know you know it'll take a while.  I know you're embarrassed to walk and you hate to sweat and you'll NEVER be a runner, but don't give up.  Keep going.  You are going to make it and you are going to love who you become.

And to the Ashley who I know from Christmas 2012.  Don't lose heart because you "only" lost 30lbs this year (and are starting to gain it back because you feel down).  Those 30lbs are very important.  They're you're start.  You worked hard to kiss those 30lbs away and learn important lessons about yourself.  Don't give up just because weight isn't coming off as quickly as you'd like.  It takes time to reach our goals and you WILL.  I know you will.  In just a few short months you'll make a decision to leave Weight Watchers and see a Nutrionist and it will change everything.  You'll become a runner.  I know you don't believe me, but it happens.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.

And Ashley of now, Christmas 2013.  Don't give up.  Don't give in.  You're so close.  SO CLOSE.  You know so much and you've come so far and you will make it.  You can taste it.  You're a runner and you're almost to a point of learning to MAINTAIN weight for the first time maybe ever instead of being someone trying to lose weight.  Don't go backwards.  Maintain and maintain well and keep challenging yourself and enjoying the physical outlet of exercise.  Keep being honest and raw and open even if it feels awkward and less pivotal now that you're not 250lbs confessing how you binge eat (because Lord knows and you know you can still put food away now like you did back then).

And to YOU.  To you, whoever you are reading this post.  Wether you're beginning or in your middle or almost to the end of whatever goal… don't give up.  Don't think you can't.  Don't underestimate yourself.  Don't limit yourself.  Be honest with yourself.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.  Keep working.  Take setbacks in stride and then pick up and start again.  Find friends or family to hold you accountable.  Journal privately your thoughts and feelings in regards to your relationship with food and try to figure out why you aren't who you want to be and how you got there.  That work -- the mental work -- it matters as much as all the eating and activity, I promise.  You can do this.  It may take 6 months or a year or two years or three years, and that may seem daunting; I understand that!  But you can do it.  You really can.  Just start.