What's next?

My scale broke a few weeks ago.  I was addicted to weighing myself at home before that.  Every. Single. Morning. And often throughout the day.  It wasn't a lifelong addiction, but rather one that came from this 12 week diet.  So this last week when I went to my Doctor's office not knowing how the scale would read I was 10x more exhilarated with my number than I would have been otherwise.  Which is great because... it was 179lbs.

My first Weight Watchers weigh in of doom and destiny in December 2011 was 249lbs.  It stung, but it also had a ring of hope and "I can do this."  And my first weigh in on this diet in March 2013 was 223lbs.  I've come a long way.  70lbs.  Holy cow, 70lbs!

It's always hardest to start, you know?  Those first few days of limitation and rigidness and embracing a new lifestyle while standing in the shadow of an old one suck.  You start at -0 and that is tough because you want to see the fruit of your labor right now and know it'll all work out and be great.

(Parenting is that same way sometimes!)

But now, here I am with 9 days to go on this program.  Single digits.  82 days done, 9 to go.  Has it been 82 days?  82 days since I've had anything aside from lean protein, fresh veggies and fruit?  I guess that means I'm detoxed from the carbs and sugar...

But in 10 days, I get to have carbs and sugar.  In small quantities but it becomes allowed and recommended as I move from a rigid program to a stabilizing program that will help my body and metabolism adjust to being "normal" and then I transition back to Weight Watchers to lose these last 24lbs along the way.

And honestly, I'm very terrified.  When one goes from eating 800 calories to 1000 calories and then 1300 calories, the concern is, "Even though I'm eating less than a normal woman, I'm still eating more than my body is used to... how will I not gain weight or plateau?"

And all this learning along the way?  The learning about my addiction and inability to cope and finding new ways to cope and break addiction and not lean on food... that's all been easier because I'm boxed in.  I have these strict guidelines of "eat this, not that, no other options."  And that makes it easier.

But in 10 days, I can have a small piece of chocolate.  I can eat a piece of cheese.  And in 24 days, I can eat a slice of pizza or have a cupcake as long as I track it... How do I maintain control?

I know I can do it.  I know the will power and mentality I've developed in this process can last and take me through this new chapter in the journey to lose the last 20 or so pounds, but in a lot of ways, it feels like day 1, -0.  I feel like I'm standing in the shadow of a rigid lifestyle and I'm anxious because a whole new realm is opened to me and I don't know what it will all look like in another 12 weeks.  What mental battles will I engage in?  Will I be tempted and fail?  What will I have lost?

My feelings are unresolved which seems to make this post unresolved and very much fall into the "just write" category, but I guess I'm holding on to these lessons I've learned and clinging to a strong voice yelling inside of me, "YOU'VE CHANGED.  You're different now!  You run.  You like it.  You eat healthy.  You like it.  You say you don't ever want more than 1 slice of pizza with your veggies; embrace that!"  And I believe that voice can lead the way.

...And this is probably what it feels like to have any addiction and leave rehab.  Empowered, but terrified.

victorious moments

With only two weeks left to go on my 84 days of 800 calories and extremely limited eating options, I've to a place of reflection on the journey.

My greatest hope and desire in this was to do more than lose weight and help push myself closer to my goal at an accelerated and more intense "you-are-doing-this!" rate.  My hope was to overcome and breakdown myself and my psychological problems in relation to food.  The binge eating.  The using food to cope.  The addiction...

And I've been happy to chronicle bits and pieces here.  It's refreshing to be honest and admitting to my demons actually makes the whole thing less shameful and more liberating and elevates me to a place that makes me feel in control and powerful to stand up against myself and my weaknesses.

So in light of sharing, I want to share a victory.

I had a very bad weekend a few weeks ago. I wrote about it a bit.  It was when I realized I couldn't cope without using food to self-medicate.  I was left in a fit of tears and frustration and confusion wondering where I needed to go from here.  Did I need to see someone?  Take something?  Was I forever chained to this way of life?  To being overweight?

It had been weeks since I really had a bad, bad moment where I would need to breakdown (which is something in and of itself), but Monday night was difficult.  It had been a great, fantastic day with the kids but the bedtime routine took two hours and toward the end the frustration and the ending a great day with yelling and unpleasantries and frustration on everyone's part instead of on the high note of a good day got to me.  I told Josh I needed to walk away and went to our bathroom and cried.  It was a good 10 minute cry and time spent alone that I desperately needed in the moment.  When I was collected, I rejoined my husband and we finally got our youngest to sleep.  When we left the room I let myself get lost in a great book until I finished.

The next day I realized I had coped on my own and I had never once thought about food.  My escape route was solitude and tears and then I powered through until I could be in solitude once again and then unplug and check out.  I don't believe that was the end all moment of the struggle but it was a very defining moment in my life.  I coped like a normal person without addiction and I was ok and better because of it.  And I DID NOT THINK OF USING FOOD.  Huge.

Also in the last several weeks I've started running.  I always said I'd never run.  I hated it.  Hated sweating.  Hated being beat red.  Felt bored during the process and always had the opposite of endorphins and got extremely angry and irritable when hitting the pavement.  But not now.  Now I feel empowered by how I can stretch myself and what I can do and that time of solitude to think and pray and resolve how to be the best Mom and wife I can be that day is invaluable.  I look forward to my 5 days a week I run and the 2 days I do a long, full body work out.  I mentioned above it had been many weeks since I'd had an emotional meltdown and I think running is largely contributed.  In fact, between break downs we got some potentially terrible news that was extremely worrisome (all is fine now) and instead of it breaking me, I just ran and thought and prayed.

14 days isn't long, but 14 days doesn't signify the end of this.  It really just marks the beginning.  As foods are slowly reintroduced and calories are increased so is temptation and old demons on my shoulder whispering temptation into my ear.  My prayer is that all this work and soul searching and leaning on God to heal me of this addiction and brokenness will last and last and He will sustain me through it all, forevermore.

Week 1: Weight Results & Lessons Learned

So a few weeks ago I posted about how I was changing my diet plan from Weight Watchers to a Doctor/Nutrionist supervised HCG/B12 combined with an 800 calorie day eating plan.  In that post I discussed how I would have to work hard for 3-4 months to achieve my ultimate weight goal and while reaching my goal so quickly feels a little like bucking the system, I know from experience it will take hard work to get there and even harder work to maintain the weight.

(what a day of eating looks like for me)

In light of that, I discussed how this journey is just as much about me finding freedom from addiction to food, struggle with seeking it for comfort, and a history of binge eating.  I began my diet last Thursday and had my first weigh in yesterday.  I am SO thrilled to be down 6.2lbs for my first week (which only included 4 days of eating 800 calories so I'm anxious to see next week's numbers!).

As excited as I am about the weightloss, I'm also very excited about the change working in me.  I bought a journal last Thursday and have been writing at least every other day about what I'm learning - mostly about myself - as I wage war internally to overcome and win this addiction to food and binge eating.  Ultimately I know I could seek therapy and get professional help, but I've really come to believe the issue is deeply rooted between me and God.

a sweaty mess after 13 minutes walking/7 minutes jogging (at a 4.5 - the pacest pace I've ever ran!)

I know the binge eating started when I was in High School and went through a semi-traumatic experience and that my weight has just yo-yoed since even to the point of self-sabatoge when I get to my goal weight.  I know facing my demons and getting to the root of my problems will be so vital and important in overcoming and I believe I can overcome.  I believe I'm stronger than my past and I don't want it to define me years later and keep me in bondage to this struggle with weight and food.

This week I've already learned so much about how I seek food when my environment is chaotic or when I go into a day without a plan.  I've learned that although I'm not a person who minds a good pajama day, not getting ready and investing time in myself in the morning is vital to my outlook, mood and success for the day.  I've learned little things like getting outside or exercising does better my mood and my resolve and my outlook on life.

And I've impressed myself.  When given the chance to slum or work, I chose work.  I chose to work out and I've been making it a priority every day since.  Even if the work is a 20 minute walk when I can  and then 15 minutes with arm weights later and 10 minutes working my core even later, it's something and it's time invested little by little in making myself better and feeling proud of myself for deciding to just do.

It's early in my diet and things like choosing to exercise may not come so easily in the coming weeks, but my resolve is to change myself and maybe in the situations where my world feels chaotic instead of seeking to find control in eating, I can find control in NOT eating or getting outside or picking up my weights and keeping good form.

And there's been lots of praying.  Lots of soul searching.  I was just talking to my Mom today about sin and over eating and weight problems as sin.  We discussed wether or not like any other sin we believed you could be made free.  I believe I can be made free.  I don't believe the struggle will ever end because I think this is it, this is my struggle, this is what will plague me my whole life.  But I do think I can be the victor day after day and even if I'm not for one day, I can be the next meal or the next day.  I don't have to spiral downward and I don't have to make that choice.  I believe I can be healed and whole and free from this.

I don't know how many will care about the emotional parts of this journey, but I want to keep sharing bits and pieces of the not-too-personal-just-between-me/God/husband-stuff with you because I believe there are tons of women (and men!) who struggle with this same plight and maybe my openness can help you.

a skirt i bought at j crew factory (for $20) 2 sizes smaller as motivation through the journey.