A Continual Pursuit of Mental Wellness

Just earlier this year I was a 223lb woman who took to nap time like a bear preparing for a long hibernation.  My cubs were down, I was alone and I shoveled everything I could find in our pantry, fridge and freezer into my mouth.  I was numb in these moments.  I sometimes consumed an easy 1000 calories without ever achieving a feeling of full and I was honestly not even fully present and aware of what I was doing until it was done.  And then, when my sense returned to me, there was deep, deep shame.  I didn't plug what I had done into my Weight Watchers app and I buried wrappers deep in the trash so no one would see my shame.  Then I'd gain weight at a weigh in and 'fess up in a round about way, "Well, there was this one time I didn't track, but I didn't think my weigh in would be this bad..." I was sitting on the couch eating all the things, crying and begging to be changed.  Begging to be thin.

And then, as y'all know, I turned my life around.  I spent 100+ days doing a rigid diet and a lot of soul searching.  I changed.  I was made new.  I felt different.  I forgave myself (and others) for things I felt had an iron grip on my soul before this new me and felt release from having to cope with those feelings with food in my future.  But I knew I'd always struggle.  I knew I was addicted to food and I was terrified of leaving the rigidness of my program to go back to Weight Watchers where I could eat anything as long as I tracked.  Suddenly the chips I kept in the pantry to pack in Josh's lunches no longer seemed off limits and like something deliciously able to help me out of a dark, sad day. (Read more about this here.)

Today hasn't been bad, but there have been moments.  I found a family of black widows nesting outside our dining room window, my kids broke my favorite mug, and although it looks pretty cute they colored all over themselves with markers while I was on the phone with pest control.  By the time they went down for naps I knew I had two choices: 1) eat my feelings or 2) work out.  I had already worked out today, but I knew I could do it again and get positive endorphins and have time to think, be alone and decompress without shame and regret.

So onto the treadmill I went for 2 miles.  And in my 2 mile run I thought about this whole addiction thing.  I thought about how really, I still struggled and mostly what I was doing in that very moment was replacing addiction with another addiction.  I wasn't a fat woman sitting on her couch wishing to be thin, I was a healthy woman crying on her treadmill to not struggle with this anymore.  I thought back to sick days and how I sought comfort in things like a bowl of cereal (ok, two bowls) when I was out of points and asked Josh to bring me a burrito the size of my face.  I thought about how I'd pay for those decisions and the 6 days I couldn't exercise (not my choice) on the treadmill tomorrow and how much that sucked.

And it SEEMS like there are women in the world who just have it together in this.  They know what to eat, how to cope with things, how to exercise and they are happy and confident in their bodies.  And maybe I'll be there someday and I HOPE I can be, but right now I can be quite insecure in this body of mine because there's still all this struggle and the devil on my shoulder telling me "eat this, it will help!" and I feel the pull in my soul to the comfort of food.  And now, on my other shoulder, there's an advocate for a new addiction; a healthier addiction, but addiction no less.  They're saying "Work out! Obsess with your weight!  Weigh multiple times every day!"  And although I'm healthier in every way, I haven't achieved full mental health.

Knowing I haven't achieved full mental health is made clearer when I look in the mirror and still see 250lb Ashley.  Those days I often request people to take photos of me because it takes a photo to see I am not that person.

I'm at the point in my journey where I know it would behoove me greatly to see a Psychologist but that just isn't in our budget.  And I know for many of you who have the same struggles and have followed mine -- it's not in your budget either.

So, here I am.  Just working through things as always.  And always I know the route of all the things is to seek solace in Christ.  I know that I can turn to food or exercise or taking a photo of my body at every angle or yelling at my kids because I'm frustrated or a large Diet Coke from Sonic as a treat, but no matter what I turn to, if it's not Christ it's temporary.  A temporary runner's high.  A temporary satisfaction on my taste buds.  A VERY temporary solution to my kids fighting that just leads to deep regret and hurt feelings.  A temporary chemical treatment that is terrible for my body.  A temporary fix that just leads to more obsession and self absorption... None of it is eternal or lasting help.

So this is where I am.  I'm still working hard in what I eat and how active I am, but more than anything I'm still working VERY VERY VERY hard on the mental struggle.

As always, I'd love your thoughts and appreciate how supportive all of my online friends, real life friends and family has been.  I pray this isn't your struggle, but if it is, I hope I can help.