This isn't technically my first 5k...

I went for a very, very cold run on Saturday morning.  The wind chill made it 25* outside.  I knew I needed to do a practice run in preparation for my first 5k on Thanksgiving because the forecasted low is 24*.  Oy!  So I bundled up and hit the pavement and it went really well despite my muscles feeling tight the whole time.

On my run I thought about a simple truth.  This 5k?  It's not really, truly my first.

In the spring of 2009 right after Josh and I bought our first house (photo below of how big I was then… and how horrible our blue walls looked) my Mom was a runner.  She was the one hitting the pavement and loving the runner life while I was laying around and enjoying a life of eating all of the food and gaining weight rapidly (not really enjoying, let's be clear).  She had signed up for a 5k and asked my sister who was 11 at the time to join her in the run along with one of her little friends.  My Mom wanted to do her best in the run and not stay with the girls which I understood and Josh and I agreed to walk the 5k and follow my sister and her friend to make sure they'd be ok.  I assumed lots of people would be walking...

I assumed wrong.  NO ONE was walking.  Everyone was running.  Even my sister and her friend.  Josh and I started out with a little jog, but after just a few minutes and me drifting to the back of the pack I was out of breath and spent.  I walked, but slowly and tried to keep going.  The girls were SO FAR ahead of us we couldn't see them.  Josh decided to jog ahead to catch up with them while I just continued to walk.  I hadn't even made it to the first mile marker before I saw runners coming back.  COMING BACK.  I was mortified and felt horrible and so ashamed of not only how overweight I was but also how out of shape I was.  I couldn't even walk a mile in how long it took someone to run 3!  I couldn't keep up with my 11 year old sister!  I was so ashamed.  I turned around and walked back and my Mom, sister, and husband all passed me.  I still ended up walking through the finish line at the back of the pack and felt humiliated to even be a part of it all.

So, naturally, I helped myself to a bag of Chex Mix at the race and insisted we stop at McDonalds for a biscuit on the way home.  At that time I was about 215lbs.  Josh and I had gotten married LESS than a year before and on that day I was 185lbs.  I thought about all of this while eating my feelings and just feeling awful about where I was.

So that's the truth going into this 5k Thursday.  It is not technically my first.  My first ended with me eventually in tears, eating my feelings and throwing away the bib and the race shirt in a dramatic episode that came from a deeper place than just being annoyed with myself.  I swore I'd never run or do a 5k again.

Thursday I'm not only doing another 5k, I'm doing it with my sister.  Our Mom can't run anymore, but we can and we both enjoy it.  I'm so happy to be running along side her for my first 5k as the new Ashley who CAN do a 5k and who CAN reach her goal weight and who CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN do things.  I can't wait.  The other 5k is who I was.  It's history.  It's the epitome of failure.  It took 4 years to get to the place where I can "try again," but I'm here and I'm ready.  I'm not who I was.

What I want to tell Her

This is what I want to tell her.  [The her who is me, then.]

I know your heart because it's my heart.  I know that you are full of personality and confident socially.  I know you do well meeting new people and that you are not shy.  I know that you are funny and smart and capable of carrying a good conversation.  I know you want friends and community because you're a new Mom and you're lonely (and so is every other Mom, just so you know) and that if you really tried to get out there (and you did) and just be yourself, people would like you!  They'd enjoy a conversation with you.

….But you don't want to go out.  You don't want to socialize.  You can and you will because you have to.  It's polite to talk because with the Mom next to you at the Chick Fil A playground, but you are shy (even though you're not) because you've lost your confidence.  All you see in you is how you are 250lbs.  Sure you have two babies on your hip (literally, both practically BABIES since they're so close in age), but you know you just KNOW deep down that you're still being judged.  Your a bad person because you're fat.  You're a bad Mother because you're fat.  You were cruel to them in utero because you wanted to eat ice cream and jalepeno chips to your heart's content.  So you clam up and you isolate yourself and you're lonely and so you turn to that good old friend.  Food.

I know you're not happy with your inability to be active.  I know it embarrasses you when you come out from a walk on the treadmill for only 20 minutes at a 2.5 pace with no incline caked in sweat.  I know you don't want your husband (who's worked out as long as you've known him) watch you work out because you're jiggly and awkward and it's embarrassing.  It shouldn't be because he chose you, he loves you, but it is.  You think you HATE running.  You've tried it before and clam up and get so angry.  You hate being sweaty because your face turns bright red and kids in Elementary school (when you were kind of chubby) asked "ARE YOU DYING!?" because your wee bit of Irish blood is routed in the veins of your face and lights up when you work out.  So you don't.  You hate sweat, you hate your red face, you hate it all.  You HATE working out.

…But it will become your lifeline.  When you stop turning to food when you feel sad or lonely or depressed or bored, you will start turning to fitness.  One day when you are strong in your resolve in dieting you will decide to try to jog awhile on the treadmill.  And you'll jog more and more and more until you are BEAT RED and sweaty but you just ran your first full mile! Sure it took you 16 minutes, but you did and you are PROUD.  You run out to tell your husband who celebrates with you.  There's no more shame in being seen by him on the treadmill or doing burpees or lunges or planks or squats because this is FUN and the sweat feels good and your body is changing. And a good run?  A good run clears your head and turns around your attitude more than the numb, mindless eating that came with a binge ever did.  You love working out.  YOU ARE A RUNNER.  (You ran 8.5 miles just today!) And you run in public where everyone can see!  There's no more shame or embarrassment least of all over a little (LOT) of sweat and a red face.

I know you think you're pretty.  You have nice hair and a pretty face.  But you don't really think you're attractive.  You are intimidated by all the other women.  It shouldn't matter.  It should matter who you are on the inside not the outside, but you don't always feel pretty on the inside either.  You feel like a liar when you go on a binge and hide the secret shame of what you've eaten deep in the trash can and don't speak a word and then are "surprised" when you gain weight that week because "I just don't know what happened!"  You feel trapped in a war with yourself you can't win.  You have a problem.  A psychological problem.  You need help.  You know this and your husband knows this and your excuses don't matter anymore because even though "it's expensive" or "it's time away from the kids and my family" the reality is you are not healthy.  Mentally or physically.  You're under the false pretense that every other woman has it together.  Especially the skinny ones.  You never assume they lost copious amounts of weight and have their own battles.  You just want to be them, but you can't.  And you feel like you'll never get there.  You feel HOPELESS.

…You made it!  You got there!  You're 10lbs away from losing 100lbs.  You are confident in your appearance.  You are more than just a pretty hair and a nice face.  You enjoy shopping for clothes!  You love shopping and all the girly things you hated before because you worked hard to get here!

…And you feel good on the inside.  That's what's most important.  You don't feel like a liar.  You feel raw and honest and it hurts sometimes to say things like, "I can't run for 3 days because I'm in a bad head space and I know I'll have a break down emotionally that will probably lead to me eating all of the things," but the thing is that's ok!  You have succeeded so much just in that you know yourself.  You know your triggers.  You are HONEST with yourself and others.  You don't binge and when you do (because you will always struggle with this mental problem of needing food to cope) you don't hide and you bounce right back.  You've found other ways (healthy ways!) to deal with grief or depression or loneliness or boredom and you are not at war with yourself 95% of the time.  It took a lot of work.  It takes work almost every day and sometimes it requires you to leave your kids and family for an hour and a half so you can run or to let the kids play by themselves so you can clean every surface but you are BETTER FOR THEM.  You are a GOOD Mom.  You are a GOOD wife.  Because you take care of yourself.  That matters.  It matters a lot.

So to the Ashley who I know from Christmas 2011 post-baby and just getting started.  The Ashley overwhelmed at the daunting 100lbs she has to lose.  I know it seems daunting.  I know you know it'll take a while.  I know you're embarrassed to walk and you hate to sweat and you'll NEVER be a runner, but don't give up.  Keep going.  You are going to make it and you are going to love who you become.

And to the Ashley who I know from Christmas 2012.  Don't lose heart because you "only" lost 30lbs this year (and are starting to gain it back because you feel down).  Those 30lbs are very important.  They're you're start.  You worked hard to kiss those 30lbs away and learn important lessons about yourself.  Don't give up just because weight isn't coming off as quickly as you'd like.  It takes time to reach our goals and you WILL.  I know you will.  In just a few short months you'll make a decision to leave Weight Watchers and see a Nutrionist and it will change everything.  You'll become a runner.  I know you don't believe me, but it happens.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.

And Ashley of now, Christmas 2013.  Don't give up.  Don't give in.  You're so close.  SO CLOSE.  You know so much and you've come so far and you will make it.  You can taste it.  You're a runner and you're almost to a point of learning to MAINTAIN weight for the first time maybe ever instead of being someone trying to lose weight.  Don't go backwards.  Maintain and maintain well and keep challenging yourself and enjoying the physical outlet of exercise.  Keep being honest and raw and open even if it feels awkward and less pivotal now that you're not 250lbs confessing how you binge eat (because Lord knows and you know you can still put food away now like you did back then).

And to YOU.  To you, whoever you are reading this post.  Wether you're beginning or in your middle or almost to the end of whatever goal… don't give up.  Don't think you can't.  Don't underestimate yourself.  Don't limit yourself.  Be honest with yourself.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.  Keep working.  Take setbacks in stride and then pick up and start again.  Find friends or family to hold you accountable.  Journal privately your thoughts and feelings in regards to your relationship with food and try to figure out why you aren't who you want to be and how you got there.  That work -- the mental work -- it matters as much as all the eating and activity, I promise.  You can do this.  It may take 6 months or a year or two years or three years, and that may seem daunting; I understand that!  But you can do it.  You really can.  Just start.

Paleo: Week 2 - An Update on my Relationship with Binge Eating

Honestly, week 2 was fine.  Until Saturday.  Saturday is the marker for a continued "un-doing" for me if you will, so I suppose I should start this there!

I had spent all week looking forward to my Saturday run and that morning I decided to revamp my playlist.  I love Fun's first album and "The Gambler" is a favorite song.  It's not a good running song, but it holds heavy sentiment and I thought that'd be motivating while I ran.  EH, wrong.  The song came on shuffle in mile 2 and I got so emotional and misty and frustrating by ALL MY FEELINGS I had to stop and walk.  I never walk in my distance runs so I knew this was going to make things rough and unless I walked a lot more I wasn't going to hit my goal of 8 miles.

Listening to that song reminded me of Josh's aFib episode in February and it took me straight back to all those feelings I felt that night I found him unresponsive on the bathroom floor and didn't know if I'd be a widow come morning.  It was so terrifying and I felt it all over again in this run. I tried to push through the feelings and use them to motivate me.  After all, in hindsight I truly believe this scare with his health is what turned my own life around and pushed me to work harder to lose weight and get active, so I wanted desperately to channel that thinking.  But I couldn't.  I ran feeling fearful and feeling the heaviness of the situation and then I had to stop after 2 laps and at 5.6 miles because I just was spent physically and emotionally.  And then I was frustrated I didn't do my 8.

And honestly?  Honestly that bad run has left me crippled.  I cannot get motivated to work out this week since that run and I know that is why.  I know deep down I'm afraid a solid run or being pushed physically doing T25 is time I could become overly emotional and reflective again and I could walk away from the work out feeling discouraged or defeated instead of empowered.


But why does that matter?  Shouldn't I embrace emotion?  Shouldn't I embrace the avalanche of feelings, work through them, and push on?  The problem is I've worked through these feelings.  There's no more work to be done.  The remembering now is just remembering the fear and how it all felt.  It's reliving the emotions.

The truth is I don't struggle with binge eating very much right now.  I still had my days or moments between mid June and the beginning of November when I was maintaining weight and just doing my own thing, but it wasn't like before and if I did binge, I'd find control the next day (or days) and I'd "recover" calorically from the heavy load the day before.

When my diet is extremely rigid I don't binge at all.  I can't.  In this process of losing weight this year I've learned an important thing… I binge eat to cope with what I cannot control: feelings and emotional reactions to situations outside of my control.  When I am on a strict diet, I am in control.  When I feel myself slipping or I feel temptation, I've learned it helps to go clean something because that is controlling my environment.  And speaking of controlled environment, I've learned I'm not as easily triggered to binge when my environment is within my control and predictable: a schedule, a clean(ish) house, a menu, a plan… When things are "play it by ear" or the house is in chaos I struggle more.  It's all mental.

The problem with feeling so emotional on a run is that the emotion cannot be controlled.  I cannot stop feeling this way no matter how hard I try.  And that makes me feel really terrible.  And while it didn't make me want to binge Saturday, I worry about falling apart a different day.  What if I run during nap time tomorrow, for example, and the emotions are still raw and out of control and I lose my mind and go crazy and undo all the work I've put in this month?

The thing about any psychological disorder, binge eating or otherwise, is that once you've learned all your triggers it's easy to become fearful of going anywhere close to the gun when you know it's loaded.  Most days now it's empty and locked away in a drawer, but after Saturday… it's loaded, baby, and I feel that.  And the CONTROLLING part of me hate how it's dictating my life right now, but the victorious part of me is saying, "wait, just wait… wait until your mind tells you you're ready."

And I think that's what I'm taking away from this week.  The key to a healthy lifestyle is diet and exercise.  And that's often the key to weightloss too.  BUT weightloss can still be achieved by a change in your diet OR a change in your activity.  So going into this week I know I'm being less active and while that bothers me and I do miss working out, I know I can make right decisions in my eating and still feel great and have success next week.  I think it's easy to get caught up in how you HAVE to exercise to lose weight.  You don't.  I didn't really for the first year of my dieting and I lost SLOWLY but I did still lose.  If you struggle like I struggle and you are hitting the gym or the pavement and you just feel awful mentally or emotionally and psychologically after your work out my (non-expert) advice is to just stop.  Maybe just like your muscles need days to rest your brain needs time to rest because IF you are like me, every day is more choice after choice in a mental-type battle than it is anything else when it comes to diet.

So having said all that, I'll share the official result.  I was down 0lbs.  This ate me more than it probably should have Sunday morning.  I obsessed about it literally all morning.  I felt bad for my husband because we'd talk about other things awhile and then I'd start talking about my weight again like a crazy obsessed person.  So after giving it a lot of thought I decided to stop Paleo and switch to the slow-carb diet which is basically like Paleo but you don't get to eat fruit or nuts but you DO eat beans.  Yay, sweet beans!  I missed them!  You also get a full cheat day with the diet which I took Sunday before getting started since I'd been strict Paleo to that point.  It's not that I didn't like Paleo, but I wasn't in it for the lifestyle and it wasn't helping me lose anymore.  I probably would have lost this next week, but I needed something new.  I also needed beans back and although I am MISSING fruit a whole lot I feel like the carbs and mass amount of protein I'm getting from the beans is helping me a lot with energy levels.  I'm anxious to see if it improves the quality of my NEXT workout.

So there it is.  All my feelings is a giant-sized post.  It helps me to come here (or more often to a journal and type it all out because I work through it in ways I can't when I talk to people or just sit and think.  I also like to believe I'm somehow helping someone else out there who struggles with emotional eating or binge eating or the need to control or anything like what I mentioned.  There's definitely a need for privacy in the Internet, but there's also a need for those of us who like to share how we lost 90lbs to be honest and real and open to the people around us who are just starting or maybe right where we are but struggling with all the same things.  Talking helps.

Thanks for listening.

5 Minute Friday: Tree

Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker today for her 5-minute writing exercise (focused writing on one word for 5 minutes, no edits or concern for proper punctuation necessary, just honest raw, writing).  The theme this week is tree:

When we were dating we often found ourselves ending our time together at a local lake.  We'd finish up doing the fun things or the errands or being silly or having great conversations and then we'd stroll about the lake until we stopped strolling and parked ourselves under our tree.

It was under that tree we had our first snuggle.  I sat leaned into him and we shared our hopes and dreams.  We talked about family and life goals and what we wanted to feel about how we'd lived life when we were 80.

And then, after 9 months of dating and talking and sharing and living and being so swept up in the so-in-love-you-can-barely-breathe magic, he took me back to our tree and got down on one knee and asked me to live out our dreams with him forever.

Of course I said yes.  And I kissed him there under our tree.

We came back every now and then when we'd walk the lake early in our marriage, but then we moved to a new city.  We hardly go back now.  It's been years since we've seen that tree.

Although that is somewhat sad in certain ways… the not seeing something that was once so important… we now have more.  We have a living tree.  It's routed in us and in this marriage.  The roots twist and link and grow from our lives spent together these last 6 years.  From the fights and the stand offs and hurt feelings and the pain of loss or hurt and the best moments and the worst moments and the beauty in creating new life together and the compromise and the falling deeper in to love because you are unfolding the depths of the others soul and having a lot of fun in the through thick and through thin…

And the new tree has spouted and branches they are forming.  This son.  That son.  Our home.  Our life.  Our pain.  Our joy.  Our failures.  Our success.  Our family.  We are one at the roots of that tree (we are the seed) and coming from us isn't something so stoic and tangible like the tree by the lake we sat under that first time, but it is real and has soul and life and it is ours.

What I Wore Wednesday

It's been awhile since I linked up with The Pleated Poppy for "What I Wore Wednesday."  That's partly because I am lacking in the clothes department.  Extreme weightloss will do that to you.  You start a season and need all new clothes and then you have to slowly build.  Unless you're able to afford all new clothes every season in which case, I will take your old clothes.  ;)

I should clarify that these photos have been taken over the last month, but these are basically all of my fall outfits at the moment so …Welcome to my fall wardrobe!

This outfit is one of my favorites.  It's simple and I just am in love with this shirt!  I wore it with a different necklace for our family pictures.  And the best part is I've seen plenty of similar tops online at H&M or Francescas but this one was thrifted for $6! Score!

top - thrifted
necklace - thrifted
skinnies - American Eagle
boots - Basset Slouch (from Fancescas)

This outfit is a go to for when I want to be casual but still feel like I've dressed up a bit.  It's perfect for a play date or a trip to Target or going out to dinner as a family.  ;)

necklace - Groopdealz
top - Forever21(no longer available)
jeans - American Eagle
flats - (old) Pac Sun

I wore this outfit to a baby shower and it's a go to for Church.  This skirt is one that will always be a favorite because it was purchased when I was 223lbs as a "goal" skirt.  On Sunday I zipped it up and it had plenty of wiggle room and I did not have to suck in at all to zip! Glory, glory, hallelujah!

necklace - Groopdealz
top - thrifted
skirt - J Crew Factory (old)
flats - Pac Sun (old)

I wish I had a real photo of this outfit but I had mirror problems and no one to take my photo (even though I was at my Mom's house surrounded by people who could have…).  I was hesitant to do denim on denim but finally got brave with the dark jeans and lighter top when I found this old scary in my closet to make it pop! I wore it to the pumpkin patch with my boots and thought it was perfect!

scarf - Charolette Rousse (old)
top - Forever21(similar)
jeans - American Eagle

This is my ultimate casual outfit.  Same jeans (have you realized I only have one pair that fits me?) but rolled up with a pair of converse and an old concert t-shirt from one of my favorite bands.  This is my outfit I throw on when we are headed to the grocery store or the park or it's great for around the house.  I know it's a t-shirt and jeans, but something about the t-shirt being a band shirt and not a graphic t or a plain t makes me feel like it's more dressed up.  Band t-shirts and fitted athletic shirts give that vibe.  To me.  Maybe I'm crazy.

top - concert
jeans - American Eagle
shoes - grey Converse

 I have these pink skinny cords I bought last spring.  My jeans are size 10 but these are size 14.  They're skin tight on the legs though and belts just started fitting me so I've been able to put them back into my wardrobe.  They're kind of annoying because I never know how to style them.  This or with my chambray shirt is pretty much the only thing I do.

earrings - Etsy (gift, not sure of the shop)
top - thrifted
pants - Old Navy Rockstar Cords (similar?)
flats - Pac Sun (old)

This is the oldest photo in the bunch and I'm happy to report my stomach is looking much better these days even with having lost just 5-6lbs since this was snapped.  This is another casual outfit.

earrings - thrifted
sweater - Francescas (no longer available)
top - American Eagle (clearance rack)
jeans - American Eagle

And finally, my favorite dress up outfit!  My favorite $12 H&M dress with a sweater and slouchy boots.  I love it.  Also, I love that little guy doing the robot dance beside me.  He's a big robot fan and he's pretty darn cute.  :)

necklace - H&M
sweater - Forever21 (similar)
dress - H&M
boots - Basset Slouchy (Francescas)

More than anything I'm just happy that THIS Fall I look like I do and not like I did last Fall.  Hard work, baby, and dedication got me here.  I love that I feel confident, can shop anywhere and enjoy getting dressed!  That Ashley in the old picture HATED shopping because nothing fit.  Size 16? Size 18?  Size XL?  I never knew and things would not fit me like I wanted them to and I'd get so frustrated, feel defeated and then eat some cookies.  NOW I love shopping, know I am always going to fit into a 10/M and feel really confident!  Thankful to be here after 2 years of work!

Have a happy hump day!

Week 1 of Paleo - Results!

Well, I sat down to crank out a few blog posts for this week 2 hours ago and have ended up with no posts so far, but the beginnings of a new blog layout.  I'm pretty happy with everything so far.  I'm lacking a button, but that's no big deal.  What do y'all think? I felt like the old design didn't fit who I am as a Blogger anymore...

ANYWAY…

I wanted to swing in today to let you all know how I did during week 1 of Paleo!  Drumroll, please…

I lost… 4lbs!  I'm insanely happy with that number.  Do you want to know why?  It means I went from 164lbs to 160lbs which means I've officially lost 90lbs.  NINETY POUNDS!!!

I weighed Friday morning and was happy to see 160, but didn't think much about it except, "YAY, I'm almost into the 50s!"  It wasn't until that night it dawned on me "OH HEY GIRL, YOU'VE LOST 90lbs!!!"  Then I was just elated and smiling and sharing with every form of social media and so proud of myself!

Paleo was really hard at first.  I wrote about that last week.  It's just always hard to start ANYTHING and feel like you're closer to -0 than -goal, but that first taste of success is truly motivating!  I didn't lose any more over the next two days, but I'm so happy with that first loss.  I realized if I stay focused and my metabolism MAYBE lets me lose 2lbs a week, I could be down 100lbs by Christmas.  ONE HUNDRED.  That means I'd be 5 from goal going into 2014.  YAY.

I also just wanted to share again that Paleo for me has been about dieting and not about lifestyle.  I'm a big fan of the clean eating lifestyle or "all bad things in moderation."  Going forward after hitting goal weight I'd like to continue to eat 90% healthfully every day, but I also know I love a good sandwich or will go out for a burger and indulge in a bun now and then.  I just wanted to clarify all that because some people are 100% Paleo and even their whole family eats Paleo, but it's just not for me in the long term.  I miss beans and that 100% whole grain bread.  ;)

I've also modified my Paleo to allow for one cheat meal per week.  I had mine Sunday.  I still haven't recovered from it in my daily weighing, but expect to in the next day or so and then see more loss.  If it backfires on me I'll cut it out.  I did it because I've read so much about how a cheat meal (or day) can help boost metabolism when you're eating so much of the same thing.  Your body has to fire up to process a carb when it hasn't been used to doing that in a week.  I'm also doing it because my Paleo was originally a 26 day diet, but is now a 7 week diet because I believe and HOPE I can be down 100lbs by Christmas and if so, I'll keep going until I lose those last 5!

Hope you all had a lovely weekend!  Aside from all the dieting I enjoyed a fantastic Saturday of laziness and fun with my family, Church and a special lunch out with our boys Sunday, beginning my Christmas shopping, and relaxing!  I also ran my first 5k training with my little sister.  We're doing a 5k on Thanksgiving together and I was dying to see how we paced together!  It went well and we were pumped to finish!  Our together time was 32:21.  Sunday night I raced sunset and cranked out my own 5k and finished mile 1 in my fastest time and finished the whole thing in my fastest time!  Pretty awesome!

How We Helped Our Tot Overcome His Fear of Characters at Walt Disney World

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J is my oldest.  He had just turned 3 a month before we left for Disney World.  This last trip was his 4th and aside from chewing on Minnie Mouse's nose when he was 5 months old and loving it, he HATED characters at Disney World.

Our goal was never to be pushy, but to always try.  We have two kiddos so while J was fearful of characters, our younger son E really enjoyed them (our last trip in 2012 E was 10 months and J was 2). There's just that balance in parenting.  We'd approach characters with J and talk them up, but when he showed fear we held him and didn't push him to go stand with them anyway screaming like a baby in a Santa Claus picture.  We wanted to nurture the fear and work him through it in his own time.

Going into this trip we did our best prepare him again for meeting characters.  We showed him old pictures of our family with characters, pictures of kids hugging characters in promo material, and we just discussed it a lot.  Conversations sounded something like this…

Me: "Are you going to meet Mickey Mouse at Disney World?!"
J: "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh! I meet him!"
Me: "I'm going to give him a big hug! Do you think you want to give him a hug?"

The answer for this was often no, but one day he said he wanted to hug Mickey too and then he'd always reply…

J: "Uh huh! When I see Mickey I give him a BIIIIIIG HUG!"

Then I'd go on to explain Mickey Mouse was extra special and extra big!  He had to grow to be able to meet J and give him that special hug but because he was big, he couldn't talk.  I think the SIZE of the characters and their SILENCE is what gets toddlers the most.  It's confusing.  Their tiny in the TV and their tiny in toy form.  So when you meet Mickey and he's almost as tall as Mommy or you meet Buzz and he's taller than Daddy it's overwhelming!  My speech was a total lie, but I felt like it was a way I could translate to him the size and silence so it would make sense and so most important: HE WOULD EXPECT IT.

So we got to Disney World and didn't rush straight for the characters.  We did some of their favorite rides from the previous year and then when we saw there was a 5 minute wait to meet Goofy and Donald, we headed that way.  Meeting Goofy was first.  I decided I would approach Goofy (who is HUGE) first and give him a big hug and signal to the kids to come get a great hug too.  It kind of worked.  I think the kids saw I was conformable with Goofy but they still wanted us to each hold them to meet him and then Donald (my baby who was now almost 2 had also become nervous about characters at this point).  We all smiled, they high-fived Donald and Goofy and we moved along.  And then we didn't really seek characters out for the rest of the day.

The next morning we had a breakfast scheduled at Chef Mickey's in the Contemporary Resort.  We knew this could either go horribly if they hated the characters or help break the ice.  For J, it broke the ice.  He didn't eat his food at all because he was so excited waiting for the next friend to come by.  E was KIND of okay with the character thing until Goofy stole his Buzz Lightyear toy.  It was all in fun, but I think it may have scared him away from the characters for good for the rest of the trip.  By the time Minnie and Mickey came around J was ready for BIG hugs.  I still held him because that made him feel most comfortable, but he was willing to extend himself for the hug.

We went on to meet Mickey and Buzz in Magic Kingdom later on.  J did a good job of hugging and high-fiving those guys while we held him.  E would only give high fives and then he hid in our chests.  And that's ok!  We put him on the hip further away from the characters for pics and that was ok!  We didn't push him.

Later that day, we were in line to meet Woody and Jessie.  They ended up taking a break right before our turn so we had 5 minutes of waiting before they came back out.  This actually ended up working PERFECTLY and was like the Disney magic in commercials because when they came out my kids could run right up to them and they went straight to our kids.  To this point it had been all holding J to meet characters, but not this time!  This time he RAN to Woody and gave him the world's LONGEST hug.  Literally.  Everyone in line was laughing and awww-ing and we were too because he just never wanted to let go.  I think seeing an all time favorite in real life broke the eyes and blew his mind wide open.  E did better here too.  He gave hugs by himself and then got back into my arms.  J took our family pic here on his own standing next to Jessie.  It was a big moment!

Going forward we encouraged him to approach all characters on his own for hugs.  We carried E up but also asked him if he wanted to meet whoever.  Usually he said yes, but sometimes he said no.  For example, when we were at Hollywood Studios and had the chance to meet both Buzz and Woody in "Andy's room" J was on cloud 9 but E wanted nothing to do with it.  So my husband took him and they strolled around HS while J and I stood in line.  I hoped this visit would be exclusively J without me involved or in the pics and that's just what happened!  When he turned the corner for his turn, he bolted to Buzz and Woody.  They engaged him right away and played with him and he had SO MUCH fun!!!  He was just beaming and still talks about it months later.  I was definitely teary eyed watching the whole thing.

The last characters we met were real people… the princesses and then Peter Pan and Wendy.  J gave "Tangled" the biggest hug and got to spend about 5 minutes with her.  She just hugged him the whole time and talked about Maximus and Flynn Rider.  She was FANTASTIC.  It was fun to see him interacting with real people acting like characters.  Peter Pan was also AMAZING.  He was showing J the map of Neverland and discussing Captain Hook with him.  J loved it!  Wendy asked to rock him to sleep and he obliged.  I didn't think he'd ever want to leave her lap.  E met Wendy and Peter too but wanted nothing to do with the princesses which really surprised me!  I thought they'd be less frightening but he was just not their fan!  He was pretty terrified of them so he stayed away.  Wendy was SO sweet with him and he did a little better with her.

So at the end of the day, my advice for approaching characters with scared kids is to try.

-- Just because they were scared last time doesn't mean they won't work past the fear this time.
-- Don't force them to the characters, but go with them and hold them and let them ease their way in.
-- Be as excited and as enthusiastic about it all as a Disney cast member.  If you feel confident, they will too.
-- Take them to their hero because meeting their favorite person ever might really break the ice!
-- Ask.  If they're nervous, ask if they want to try while you hold them.  Then as they ease up ask if they want to get down.  Stay low with them so they know you're there.  Work it up slowly and easily.  Eventually it'll happen and it'll be great!  I know in January or maybe when E is 3 I might have two boys who just take off and do it all by themselves!

26 Days: A Fresh Start

So here I am on the heels of my last post (where I talked about how much I was struggling to move forward in my weightless journey) to tell you: I've moved forward!

I decided to challenge myself and to re-detox my body after acclimating to junk as I came back into "real-life eating" after my HCG/Nutritionist diet.  Honestly the re-detox has been needed since Disney World.  Up until that vacation I needed and craved mostly whole foods and if I went more than 4-6 hours without consuming produce, I'd get an itch and craving for THAT.  That's what happens when you're healthy.  At Disney World I did GREAT the first day and had the best Greek salad at Magic Kingdom and munched on fruit in our hotel room… and then I stopped and indulged away and even though it took me weeks of clean eating to crave clean foods, it only took a few days for my body to decide it didn't miss them anymore.  Funny how that works, huh?

So I planned on doing a 28 day detox from November 1st through the day before Thanksgiving.  Then I got food poisoning!  That was awful and lasted 2 days and then another day of recovery after that.  So I officially started my detox on November 3rd and it will be a 26 day plan now.

I've been saying I'm doing Paleo.  Technically I am.  I'm eating natural meats (fish, chicken, quality beef, bacon and some other pork), a ton of veggies, 2-4 servings of fruit a day and some avocado and almonds.  I can have a Larabar (without peanuts) with Paleo and I can cook with good oils like olive oil.  This is all similar to my diet with the nutritionist except I couldn't have any oil, avocado, or nuts.  I'm also not really measuring meats and veggies but rather eating until I'm full.  By all definitions this is Paleo in a rigid form (no Paleo pancakes, etc), but I'm not doing Paleo as a forever change in my lifestyle.  I want to clarify that because there are purists who are very, very serious about doing Paleo forever and even having their families do Paleo.  While I think that's fine and great, my ultimate goal is to be a clean eater who has the occasional cheat meal or cheat day when I reach my goal weight.  Clean eating is most important to me.  I know, however, that weightloss success comes quicker and the body slims up faster and better when you cut out carbs and sugars.  So Paleo it is.

This post isn't just to talk about that… it's mostly to talk about how hard the last 2.5 days have been because I think that's what you can probably identify with if you're here reading.

Day 1 I was pretty pumped and determined because that's how day 1 is for everyone.

Day 2 is hard.  Day 2 you are bored and your jealous of your kids Halloween candy treat and you realize THIS IS THE BEGINNING.

…I've always said to everyone that starting is the hardest part because you start at 0.  When I started Weight Watchers at 250lbs with a goal of 155lbs, that felt SO FAR AWAY.  225 felt so far away.  Day 1 I was all about it, but day 2 I felt overwhelmed.  This, for me, is because when you are on day 1, 2, 3, whatever, you are closer to -0 than you are to minus goal.  And that's hard!  It's hard to move forward and take the next step when you're at the beginning.  It is 1000% mental.

All this hit me the evening of day 2 and the morning of …

Day 3 I felt finished.  Discouraged.  Cranky.  I glared at my husband while he drank a creamy cup of coffee goodness and I sipped at mine that was bitter and black (I bought a better bag of coffee today - horray!).  I was jealous of the biscuits my husband made for him in the kids even though I had the most incredible western omelet with avocado on my plate.  I felt discouraged and I was completely without any progress.  I felt bloated and tired and definitely like I was detoxing from sugar (this is usually a 1 full day process and you KNOW it when you go through it - it's like Jekyl and Hyde). I packed a lunch of green beans, almonds and an apple knowing I'd pick up a Larabar at the grocery store and that would be what I ate while the kids played on the McDonalds playground after our grocery shopping trip (TOTALLY realize how ironic it is that I ate that while they ate Happy Meals…).

BUT I walked away from lunch feeling a little better.  We got home, I got the kids down for a nap and I did T25.  I haven't done T25 since before Disney World.  It hurt so good.  Feeling extra motivated and knowing I hadn't run since Wednesday and OH HEY I have my first 5k in 24 days, I decided to hop on the treadmill and run through my quick work out playlist while pushing myself on time.  Working out cleared my head.  It got me remembering ALL of these things about day 1-3 and being -0 and how HARD it is to start.  It's HARD.  That's why most people don't make it to their goals.  That's why most people lose in January and have quit their diets by Valentine's day.  It's a human problem!

I have to remind myself this challenge is for 24 more days.  I am detoxing my body.  I am forcing myself into a time out for bad choices made in the last few months.  I'm kick starting my weightloss so I can reach my goal.  And my new goal isn't 155lbs, it's 145lbs.  I want to push myself and succeed.  I am happy and confident with my body right now, but I have worked too hard to quit and even though I'm proud, I can be prouder.  I can picture my stomach 20lbs lighter; still battered and misshapen from babies, but that's my mark as a Mom and I have no hate for that, but flatter.  No more muffin top.  MORE confident.  Full of pride in my SUCCESS and the fact that I didn't quit just because I was ok with where I was and content with how easy things were.

So that's where I am.  Day 3, -0.  It's hard mentally.  I'm cranky.  I miss coffee creamer.  I want a sandwich.  Or popcorn.  Or dadgum Halloween candy.  But this is short.  And the day it's over I'll run my first 5k which is something I NEVER WOULD HAVE DREAMT OF DOING last Thanksgiving when I was 220+ pounds.

STARTING STATS:

Weight: 164lbs (goal, 155)
Clothes: size 10 pants (with muffin top), size M top

DAILY PLAN:
Eat Paleo, work out at least 20 minutes (except 2 rest days a week)

WEEKLY GOAL:
Run at least 10 miles, do at least 3 T25 days

I'm in the process of making an Instragram account for this blog (and kind of considering rebranding my whole blog) and it will hopefully be up soon.  You can follow me @mynestinginstincts.

You can also follow me on My Fitness Pal @mynestinginstincts but since I'm TECHNICALLY not supposed to count calories on Paleo, I may not update much.

Weightloss Update: Where I Am

It's been awhile since I've been here talking about weight, dieting, my mentality in it all... It's been mostly Disney World this and Disney World that which is great, but I'm taking a break today to just talk about weightier things (hilarious, right?).

found on interest

Weightloss has been REALLY REALLY REALLY hard for me since I stopped HCG.  I regret (yes, REGRET) not tacking 4 more weeks onto my plan to lose the last 10lbs I needed to to reach my goal.  I wanted to finish with Weight Watchers.  I was ready to go at it on my own.  I couldn't pay another chunk of money to keep going.  The timing worked out to finish since I started the stabalizing plan the day after Josh's Grandpa passed away and we left for California and that was SIGNIFICANTLY easier to do than the HCG program would have been while traveling.  SO I shouldn't regret it.  The decision was right.  But losing these 10, no, now 15lbs in post has been so hard!!!

The first few weeks I pretty much maintained and gained a little.  I expected that because I immediately started eating more Weight Watchers and less clean.  Then I lost.  I started Weight Watchers at 170 and got down to 164 within a few months (just in time for our anniversary).  9lbs to go!  And then at 16 weeks into Weight Watchers when I finished my first book, I was 170.  So in the course of 16 weeks I basically lost and gained 6lbs thus becoming great at maintaining 170lbs.  That sucked.  And guess what?  After 16 weeks I could have afforded that last 4 weeks of HCG.  I was paying the same amount and not hitting lifetime as quickly as I thought I would.  SUPER disappointing. 

 So last week I was more intentional in my workouts.  I had done running and T25 until we bought a coffee table on our anniversary trip.  Since stopping T25 I upped my running game a ton, but my arms and stomach are flabbier because they're not being faithfully worked.  It felt good to work up a plan in my head to target these areas in addition to daily running.  I also stopped eating carbs 2 days in the week to balance out 2 days I didn't track points in the week.  It worked and I got back to 169lbs.

There's still SO many good and positive changes in my life because of what I did.  I have to remember that.  I'm a runner now.  I'm running a 5k in 30 days with my sister and I'm running a half in the OKC Memorial marathon.  I've learned I LOVE distance running and each week I look forward to a long Saturday run (I'm training for the half by adding a half mile each Saturday to my distance - I hit 7 this last week!).  I used to hate running and couldn't do it and didn't try.  Now I can run without stopping 1 hour and 17 minutes.  That blows my mind!

I've learned to make healthier eating decisions.  I've learned balance.  If I spend a day eating junk, I need to spend the next two days eating well.  I've learned how to maintain a weight for a long period of time.  These are all good, good, good things!  These are all things that indicate I've changed and even though I "held" 170lbs, I did HOLD 170lbs and then start going back down and I'm not on my way back to 250lbs.

And yet... I'm still 15lbs from my goal.  I'd like to lose 20 more pounds.  Then I will have lost 100lbs!  I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what my current mental hang ups are with all of this.  Why am I content to maintain and not lose?  Because I am really, really content.  Except for feeling devastated when I hit 170 (my panic weight), I've been fine with the little gains and losses the last several months.  I think there are a lot of reasons...

We're talking about if we should try for baby 3 this next year (my IUD "expires" next December) and at this point I know I could reach a goal and not have a long time to sit there before I get pregnant.  The same applies to goals.  If I reached mine I'd be a size 8/S and would need another new wardrobe again and I feel bad spending more money on clothes and then outgrowing them when pregnant... Just a lot of hypothetical mental talk.  I also feel if I can master maintaining this weight, I'll do better gaining less weight while pregnant.  My Mom pointed out though that if I gain 30lbs at 150, I'll end at 180, but if I gain 30lbs at 170 I'll end at 200.  Well I NEVER want to see 200 again even when pregnant!!!

I'm also telling myself I'm enjoying this phase.  And I am! I worked hard to get here!  I feel pretty confident in my body (aside from my stomach flab) and am just enjoying shopping and that 10s fit and Mediums fit... I feel good!  When you feel good about yourself and have peace in who you are and not in the number, it's hard to find motivation to keep going.

At this weight, I can maintain and pretty much still enjoy eating.  I can have big meals or slurge and recover and just enjoy eating without thinking too much.  I'm honestly not utilizing Weight Watchers AT ALL except to weigh in each week.  I'm rarely tracking and I'm not going to meetings.  That's the truth.  So I know at this weight I just have it figured out.  Losing requires being restrictive again and I'm just enjoying for once eating how I want to while still being "small."

And speaking of Weight Watchers... I've learned an important thing about my relationship with diets.  When I'm on HCG or when I'm with a Nutritionist or doing something extremely rigid with strong accountability and financial commitment, I am great at thriving.  My money is on the line.  My options are few.  I'm in this thing.  Because I've been on Weight Watchers so many times and failed or because I know I can eat technically whatever I want as long as I track and the focus is more on points tracking than healthy choices (in my mind), I just don't succeed as much. ...Or those are my excuses to not succeed as much.  I'd really like to try Advocare but don't have the money to shell out for that right now.

So where does that leave me?  I DO want to lose.  I want to achieve my goal.  I've come SO far so why the mental hang ups?  Why stop.  I've lost EIGHTY POUNDS!!!! EIGHTY!  But I'm only 20lbs away from losing ONE HUNDRED POUNDS.  And that was the goal.  So I'm doing my very best to mentally engage back into a losing mentality.  I'm trying to make good decisions.  I'm trying to balance out clean eating days number for number with bad eating days (3 for this week).  I'm debating doing clean eating the next 30 days so I can detox and shrink and lose before the 5k/Thanksgiving/the holidays.  And I'm working out.  There was a short season I had a hard time finding any motivation (after vacation), but now I'm back at it.  I've ran the last four days.  Today I only had 15 minutes but I laced up and did it because I knew it would help me mentally as I worked through the rest of my day.  I'm engaging.  I'm trying.  I WANT to do this.  I want to want to do this.

Are you here?  Have you lost weight, but you're stuck?  Are you mentally content with maintaining a great weight, but know you have more to lose to reach your ultimate goal.  My friend, we are selling ourselves short.  We might be great and feel great, but we could be better.  20lbs on me will make a huge difference.  It didn't from 250 to 230, but it will from 169 to 149.  I hope you can find new motivation too!  Especially now before the holidays since it's the American way to gain!  Thanks for listening!